fwd: "Dear Red States"

[layton]

I got this forewarded from Mr. Limage in Vegas. thanks Mark.

Dear Red States:

 

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided

we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the

other Blue States with us.

 

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington,

Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, Iowa and all the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially

to the people of the new country of New California.

 

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches. You get "intelligent

design" and alligators. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

 

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get Intel and

Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

 

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You

get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the

red states pay their fair share.

 

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian

Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single

moms. Since our high school sex ed is based on science and acknowledges

human nature, we get high rates of teens going off to college. Since

most of your school districts insist abstinence until marriage is the

only legitimate curriculum, you get higher rates of STD's and a bunch of

teenage single moms.

 

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war,

and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you

need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're

apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they

don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming

home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up,

but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

 

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of

the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and

lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's

quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90 percent

of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S.

low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy

and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, the University of

California, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

 

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88

percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs),

92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes,

90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists,

virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones

University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

 

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

 

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was

actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless

we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that

evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11

and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher

morals then we lefties.

 

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed

they grow in Mexico.

 

Sincerely, Author Unknown in New California<<

 

 

 

Edited July 22, 2005 by michael_layton

[Dechristo]

An entertaining, though escapist and short-sighted, farce.

[jordop]

BUT THERE WOULD BE NO JD UNDER THIS PLAN

[Kitergal]

I LOVE THIS!!!

[assmonkey]

What about NASCAR?

 

- a s s m n k e y

[catbirdseat]

An entertaining, though escapist and short-sighted, farce.

You have a knack for stating the obvious.

[Gidget]

[Dechristo]

What is obviously short-sighted about this to you?

[TheJiggler]

What is obviously short-sighted about this to you?

 

Duh! They will pre-emptively invade us for being a heathen state harboring terrorists (Michael Moore) and nuculer weapons!

[Dechristo]

What is obviously short-sighted about this to you?

 

Duh! They will pre-emptively invade us for being a heathen state harboring terrorists (Michael Moore) and nuculer weapons!

I hate it when that happens.

[bunglehead]

On a slightly related note, I've been trying to sell the idea of Oregon seceding to my friends. Here's how it would go down...

 

Oregon declares itself an independent nation. We then say that we have weapons of mass destruction, (which we do, in Umatilla, the chemical weapons depot) refuse to allow inspectors in, then BOOM! the US military invades, and begins to rebuild our bridges, schools, and roads.

It might work..

[layton]

i wish most of oregon, idaho, and southern washington would physically seced? from the union making the drive to other climbing areas way less boring.

[specialed]

Yeah sweet. Border crossing everytime you leave the region. Bitchin .

[layton]

i said physically...like they would actually leave the country.

[olyclimber]

imagine climbekizstan

[Dechristo]

or Redstatescan'tstan

[faster_than_you]

i said physically...like they would actually leave the country.

 

Maybe it could be monorail over the new boarders...