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EWolfe

[TR] Joshua Tree- Hands Off 12/13/2005

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Climb: Joshua Tree-Hands Off

 

Date of Climb: 12/13/2005

 

Trip Report:

Intrepid Chappists Alpinfox and MisterE set a formidable task for ourselves this day:

 

Climb the sustained crack towering in the distant horizon of our shiver-bivvy, seen to the left and up:

3712JTree12-04_046-med.jpg

 

Upon awakening at the ungodly hour of 10:30 A.M, we decided after imbibing a few choice beverages, that a seige was out of the question.

We would be much better off setting up yet another advanced camp, pictured here in the distance:

3712JTree12-04_044-med.jpg

 

Exhausted from the approach, we decided some snifters of brandy were in order. Things were getting ugly as we had run out of snuff and scrips by this point.

 

Nonetheless, we pushed on, and after much punishment we reached the base of our visionary line. here, Pax is loading the horrendous amount of gear required (notice how thin he is from the days of wasting work):

3712JTree12-04_042-med.jpg

 

Pax set out on lead, plugging gear into the crumbling alpine kitty litter with heroic fortitude, and after almostinsurmountable bodily strain, reaches the summit with a desperate flop:

3712Joshua_Tree_trip_017-med.jpg

 

I followed, barely able to hang on to my senses, truly impressed with the intestinal integrity it took to lead this horrorshow.

 

Sadly, our summit cache of opiates had been filched by some previous sicko masochists that dared this monster.

 

So, there we were, faced with a vertiginous descent without stimulants, and frightening it was, as I gaped down over the three distant ridges of doom, our basecamp seemed far away indeed:

3712Joshua_Tree_trip_018-med.jpg

 

After much arduous traversing we finally reached the warmth of our site, and imbibed heavily in celebration of surviving this epic with all of our digits and wits intact.

 

Gear Notes:

portable pharmacy

dancing girls

red shark

lawyers, guns

10 foot pitches make it more memorable

 

 

Approach Notes:

Trail from hell, expect multiple bat encounters,

as well as cache-stealing robbers

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Suddenly, there was a terrible roar all around us, and the sky was full with what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, and a voice was screaming: Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?!

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...no thanks....Ive got asthma.

 

Yessssssss. Whoo. I didnt think you guys were gonna make it. That, my friends, was a rare display crack-mastery. Im truly impressed as well as delighted that you made it back without having your asses handed to you. Nice work gentlemen bigdrink.gif. Its tr's like that that inspire me drag my worthless ass out of bed in the morning yellowsleep.gif.

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Have you sent in a report of this landmark ascent to alpinist, climbing mag, and mountainspeedclimbing.org?

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Also, opiates are not technically stimulants.

 

...my smartassness is a pitiful attemp to hide my jealousy cause im not there

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How does the Honda handle? Does it seat 5 comfortably? On the 5th pitch, did you use a #3 Camalot? Is that a tomato in the second picture? Sorry about all the questions, I'm working on an article for my 'zine.

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How does the Honda handle? Does it seat 5 comfortably? On the 5th pitch, did you use a #3 Camalot? Is that a tomato in the second picture? Sorry about all the questions, I'm working on an article for my 'zine.

 

The honda has multiple handles, but no "OH SHIT" handle on the passenger side for some reason? WTF?

 

It seats two sunburned climbers and three dancing girls very VERY comfortably. Not much room left for the portable phamacy though. thumbs_down.gif

 

The pro for the 5th pitch of that climb is offset brassies and seven #5 camalots.

 

 

That's not a tomato, it's a roll of paper towels. Maybe time for an eye exam?

 

What's a zine?

 

Oh, and Dru, yes R&I, Climbing, Alpinist, and GORY (polish climbing mag) are all clamoring to publish details on our standard setting climb, but we are negotiating with Ascensionist.com to give them exclusive rights to the story in exchange for giving us the power to ban people there.

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Also, opiates are not technically stimulants.

 

 

PFFFTTTT!!! Obviously you don't have a degree in GONZO PHARMACOLOGY! rolleyes.gif

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In 1974 this was the hardest route I'd ever done, and my first 5.9 -- Too bad it's only 5.8 cry.gif

 

dude, i did it thanksgiving. it's still 5.9. randy is just up to his old tricks.

 

like: "baby apes, 5.12b" uh-huh. that's why when wason took a bunch of patagonia's sponsored climbers to it, nobody sent -- not even on a tr.

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yellaf.gif I figured something like that, that's why I enjoy trotting out that old fart back-in-the-day bullshit, just about my only claim to fame. yelrotflmao.gif I'm looking forward to when I can achieve the status of "Oh look, it's so cute, he's so old but he still tries to climb!" Fred tells me the chicks really dig that jive.

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In 1974 this was the hardest route I'd ever done, and my first 5.9 -- Too bad it's only 5.8 cry.gif

 

dude, i did it thanksgiving. it's still 5.9. randy is just up to his old tricks.

 

5.8 boxing_smiley.gif

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5.7c, A1 or 5.8b or 5.6-, M4 rolleyes.gif

 

 

I did a V0-, A5 boulder problem in our campground. It is unrepeated and involved jamming one lobe of a green alien into a flaring pocket, standing in a sling attached to it, and then mantling onto the top of the boulder. I am sooooo rockband.gif

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It was just after the epic wasting ascent.

 

Starvation is aid, but dammit! He was the only one that could do it. madgo_ron.gif

 

I even tried the classic late evening purge in desperation for an ascent. bigdrink.gifcantfocus.gif

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