EWolfe Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 Climb: Joshua Tree-Hands Off Date of Climb: 12/13/2005 Trip Report: Intrepid Chappists Alpinfox and MisterE set a formidable task for ourselves this day: Climb the sustained crack towering in the distant horizon of our shiver-bivvy, seen to the left and up: Upon awakening at the ungodly hour of 10:30 A.M, we decided after imbibing a few choice beverages, that a seige was out of the question. We would be much better off setting up yet another advanced camp, pictured here in the distance: Exhausted from the approach, we decided some snifters of brandy were in order. Things were getting ugly as we had run out of snuff and scrips by this point. Nonetheless, we pushed on, and after much punishment we reached the base of our visionary line. here, Pax is loading the horrendous amount of gear required (notice how thin he is from the days of wasting work): Pax set out on lead, plugging gear into the crumbling alpine kitty litter with heroic fortitude, and after almostinsurmountable bodily strain, reaches the summit with a desperate flop: I followed, barely able to hang on to my senses, truly impressed with the intestinal integrity it took to lead this horrorshow. Sadly, our summit cache of opiates had been filched by some previous sicko masochists that dared this monster. So, there we were, faced with a vertiginous descent without stimulants, and frightening it was, as I gaped down over the three distant ridges of doom, our basecamp seemed far away indeed: After much arduous traversing we finally reached the warmth of our site, and imbibed heavily in celebration of surviving this epic with all of our digits and wits intact. Gear Notes: portable pharmacy dancing girls red shark lawyers, guns 10 foot pitches make it more memorable Approach Notes: Trail from hell, expect multiple bat encounters, as well as cache-stealing robbers Quote
nalo Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 Suddenly, there was a terrible roar all around us, and the sky was full with what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, and a voice was screaming: Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?! Quote
Greta Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 ...no thanks....Ive got asthma. Yessssssss. Whoo. I didnt think you guys were gonna make it. That, my friends, was a rare display crack-mastery. Im truly impressed as well as delighted that you made it back without having your asses handed to you. Nice work gentlemen . Its tr's like that that inspire me drag my worthless ass out of bed in the morning . Quote
Dru Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 Have you sent in a report of this landmark ascent to alpinist, climbing mag, and mountainspeedclimbing.org? Quote
nalo Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 Also, opiates are not technically stimulants. ...my smartassness is a pitiful attemp to hide my jealousy cause im not there Quote
olyclimber Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 How does the Honda handle? Does it seat 5 comfortably? On the 5th pitch, did you use a #3 Camalot? Is that a tomato in the second picture? Sorry about all the questions, I'm working on an article for my 'zine. Quote
Alpinfox Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 How does the Honda handle? Does it seat 5 comfortably? On the 5th pitch, did you use a #3 Camalot? Is that a tomato in the second picture? Sorry about all the questions, I'm working on an article for my 'zine. The honda has multiple handles, but no "OH SHIT" handle on the passenger side for some reason? WTF? It seats two sunburned climbers and three dancing girls very VERY comfortably. Not much room left for the portable phamacy though. The pro for the 5th pitch of that climb is offset brassies and seven #5 camalots. That's not a tomato, it's a roll of paper towels. Maybe time for an eye exam? What's a zine? Oh, and Dru, yes R&I, Climbing, Alpinist, and GORY (polish climbing mag) are all clamoring to publish details on our standard setting climb, but we are negotiating with Ascensionist.com to give them exclusive rights to the story in exchange for giving us the power to ban people there. Quote
Alpinfox Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 Also, opiates are not technically stimulants. PFFFTTTT!!! Obviously you don't have a degree in GONZO PHARMACOLOGY! Quote
lancegranite Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 I remember smoking a oz or two while staying at your bivy. Quote
Off_White Posted January 14, 2005 Posted January 14, 2005 In 1974 this was the hardest route I'd ever done, and my first 5.9 -- Too bad it's only 5.8 Quote
bvb Posted January 20, 2005 Posted January 20, 2005 In 1974 this was the hardest route I'd ever done, and my first 5.9 -- Too bad it's only 5.8 dude, i did it thanksgiving. it's still 5.9. randy is just up to his old tricks. like: "baby apes, 5.12b" uh-huh. that's why when wason took a bunch of patagonia's sponsored climbers to it, nobody sent -- not even on a tr. Quote
Off_White Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 I figured something like that, that's why I enjoy trotting out that old fart back-in-the-day bullshit, just about my only claim to fame. I'm looking forward to when I can achieve the status of "Oh look, it's so cute, he's so old but he still tries to climb!" Fred tells me the chicks really dig that jive. Quote
EWolfe Posted January 27, 2005 Author Posted January 27, 2005 In 1974 this was the hardest route I'd ever done, and my first 5.9 -- Too bad it's only 5.8 dude, i did it thanksgiving. it's still 5.9. randy is just up to his old tricks. 5.8 Quote
Alpinfox Posted January 28, 2005 Posted January 28, 2005 5.7c, A1 or 5.8b or 5.6-, M4 I did a V0-, A5 boulder problem in our campground. It is unrepeated and involved jamming one lobe of a green alien into a flaring pocket, standing in a sling attached to it, and then mantling onto the top of the boulder. I am sooooo Quote
EWolfe Posted January 28, 2005 Author Posted January 28, 2005 It was just after the epic wasting ascent. Starvation is aid, but dammit! He was the only one that could do it. I even tried the classic late evening purge in desperation for an ascent. Quote
Off_White Posted January 28, 2005 Posted January 28, 2005 Actually Dru, wouldn't that be Culbert 4th class? Quote
Roger Posted January 29, 2005 Posted January 29, 2005 or "extremely hard very severe" in the UK. Quote
EWolfe Posted September 30, 2005 Author Posted September 30, 2005 bump - time for J-Tree again soon... Quote
Dr_Flush_Amazing Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 bump - time for J-Tree again soon... BUMP! Quote
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