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Cpt.Caveman

uncle tricky Smelliest Car

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No officer, my car doesn't smell like herb....it's the pine tree air freshener....yes, I understand I have the right to remain silent....

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DECLARATION OF TRIUMPH: After having owned my new car for a week (by new I mean a 1980 volvo) I have put 1053 miles on it! ROOOAAARRRR!!!!!!

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One time, in band camp......I was working for the DNR near Colville and living in my van at a campground for the summer. Nice hot summer weather. Nice shag carpet floor in the van. A quart of milk was breifly misplaced under a few other items (dirty clothes if you must know) and subsequently forgotten for several days after having been relieved of its structural integrity. Eventually I found it.........

Oh yeah, not exactly a car but...I was kayaking North of Port Hardy BC when a kindly fisherman gave me a couple dozen fresh herring (fry 'em up, they are awsome!!) I had no container so I had him just dump them in my lap for the time being. A few days later I began to get little nose hits while I was paddling but kayaking is usually a damp smelly affair anyway so.....It was a few days after that a stray wave dumped a bit of water in my boat. Much to my delight, the water swished a bunch of maggots out from under my seat. Best part was my being about a half hour from shore. Friendly little fellows they are.

Lesson: Always count free herring.

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My truck was stolen a few years back, and it was soon abandoned in an alley on Capitol Hill. It was then use as a homeless shelter for over three weeks. Talk about smelly! Meanwhile, I got three parking tickets because I guess it was in somebody's way and they kept calling parking enforcement, but nobody bothered to run the plates and the person putting the tickets on my windshield failed to notice that the door lock was punched out and the steering column was broken.

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quote:

Originally posted by trask:
my car smells like pussy

no that's you trask cause it is whatchoo are! tongue.gif" border="0

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quote:

Originally posted by Dru:

no that's you trask cause it is whatchoo are!
tongue.gif" border="0

That's not what your Scandehoovian women said when I had em' both in the parking lot at Mugs-n-Jugs.

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quote:

Originally posted by Cpt.Caveman:
I think I own it!

Heh Cavey, isn't this your rig? What's that shit hanging from the bumper?

rearview.jpg

[ 01-18-2002: Message edited by: trask ]

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I dunno, Captain, I got two smelly car stories.

A year or so ago, I'd just finished installing wood panelling, carpet, and a futon in my Van of Sin. In the process, I drilled through my wiring, so my overhead lights didn't work. That week I went out and had a few beers with some friends. It was dark when I returned to my van, and hopped into the front seat. Although I couldn't see anything, I immediately sensed something was wrong. The smell was overwhelming, and I realized I was sitting in a deep pool of something nasty. Turns out my dog had chewed into and drank an entire quart of chainsaw bar oil, and then proceeded to spray (from both ends) the oily-puke-slime-shit mix all over my van: seats, walls, carpet, futon, etc. Luckily my dog was fine, but that oily shit slime don't come out too easy. I tossed the futon and cut out the worst parts of the carpet. A year later, my van still has a distinctly unique aroma. Anyone need a ride to the next pub club? wink.gif" border="0 ----------But by far the smelliest car I've ever ridden in was down in a town called Brilliant, Alabama (pop. 500). I was travelling around on my bike, and I ended up spending a couple rainy days there, during which time I got to know a few of the local characters. Being a dry town in a dry county (yes, those still exist!), social life in Brilliant revolved around three places: the domino hall, the gas station, and the taxidermy shop. People just kinda mixed and mingled between the three places all day long, drank coffee and talked about the ol days when Brilliant was a rip roaring coal mining town.

The taxidermy shop was owned by a guy named Terry, who looked like Einstein on acid and was known as the town's harmless eccentric. He used to do taxidermy, but had lost interest after he'd leased a few video gambling machines (FOR AMUSEMENT ONLY). This explained the popularity of the taxidermy shop. Tucked into a dark corner of the store, amongst neglected deer hides, boar head and bass in various states of mummification, citizens of Brilliant (including the wife of the town cop) would plug money into the machines. If they quit while they were ahead, Terry would pay them cash for their accumulated credits before re-setting the machines.

Anyway, on the second day I was hanging out in Brilliant, drifting between gas station, domino hall and taxidermy shop/gambling den, Terry invited me over to his trailer to meet his wife and kids, and experience a "real southern supper." When I hopped into his old boat of a 70's car, the first thing I noticed was the overpowering, eye-watering smell of decomposing flesh. The second thing I noticed was a very strange thing sitting in the back seat staring back at me. shocked.gif" border="0

Seeing my expression, Terry began to tell me the story that had already become legend in the town of Brilliant. It started harmlessly enough. Terry had been out bass fishing, and done well. Absentmindedly, he left the 5 or 6 fish in the trunk of his car. After a week or so in the Alabama sun, they were nice and ripe. Terry's wife told him to get his *&%$ing fish out of the trunk.

That was the wrong approach. See, Terry had been in the army for 20 years, and now that he was out, he wasn't taking orders from anybody. His motto was "ain't nobody ever tells me what to do. And if they try, I'll do just the opposite." This was HIS car (his wife didn't even drive it) and NOBODY was going to tell him how smelly his car should be.

Instead of getting the rotting bass out of the trunk, he threw a couple of fresh, roughly skinned deer hides from the taxidermy shop into the back seat. After another couple weeks in the Alabama sun, he had a thriving colony of maggots living in his back seat. Anytime he left his car anywhere, a fresh batch of fat black flies would hatch from the maggots squirming in putrid pile of rotting slime. Whenever he drove anywhere, he'd speed as fast as he could, driving with all the windows down, craning his neck out the window in a futile attempt to outdistance the stench.

Pretty soon, the whole town started to get pissed. His car, always parked outside the taxidermy shop, was stinking up all three blocks of Brilliant. Nearby businesses complained that the smell was driving away thier customers. Other people said his car was a public health hazard and threatened to have it towed away. Public pressure built on Terry to do something about his rotten, stinking, wreck of a car. Finally, Terry gave into public pressure--or maybe he just couldn't stand driving around in his malodorous ride anymore. He threw out the fish and the decomposing deer hides.

For the first time since he'd acquired the video gambling machines, Terry put his taxidermy skills to use in a creative all-night session. He mounted the ass-end of a whitetail deer on a board--tail up, brown stink-eye clearly visible--and put it in the backseat of his car so that anyone walking by could see it. The message to his wife, and everyone else in Brilliant who'd been unhappy with how bad his car stunk, was clear: "Kiss My Ass!" [Moon]

[ 01-19-2002: Message edited by: Uncle Tricky ]

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Uncle Tricky, I heard there is WiFi at the Twisp River Bar and Grill... bring back your rad stories!

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I was on a treeplanting contract a few years ago in the middle of a record hot summer. One of the planters was having some problems with the supervisor. The planter was a 40 year old alcoholic who planted to stay away from the civilization and boose. Well over the months this feud began to grow and he made it more and more obvious that he had a hate on for the supervisor. Towards the end of the contract the supervisor's truck started to stink... bad. We were putting in 14hr days trying to finish the contract and working 10+days straight though so there was no opportunity to clean out the truck. Finally after half a month of stink, the crew refused to ride in his truck until he cleaned it. He started going through the truck finding old socks, clothes, and bits of food left over from planters gorging on the way home. He came across a shirt stuffed under his seat tied into a big circle and rather heavy for a t-shirt. As soon as he moved it a stench hit his nostrils and he went running for air. After arming himself with some gloves and a face maske he went back and fetched the steaming bundle. Turns out the planter took a shit in one of his work shirts and stuffed it under the seat 3 weeks before.

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My dog wasn't impressed with my driving on 99 right below squamish and decied to get sick in my back seat. I thought I cleaned it all up but after I openned my door this morning I found out that it wasn't the case. My car has been sitting, closed up in the sun for the past week while I was away visting my family back east.

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Yesterday I drove my work truck for the first time in a month. When I got in I noticed mold and mushrooms growing from the carpet and upholstery. I thought to myself, hmmm must be a little damp. Kinda of musty smelling too. Guess I'll turn on the defroster. Bad Choice. I immediately heard wrrrrr, thump, bang, bzzz, quickly followed by more wrrring, thumping, banging, bzzzzzing then the overwhelming smell of puree of snaffle and snaffle nest. Now between the snaffle puree and mushroom forest, I think I can give you a run for the smelliest vehicle. But I may have to leave it out in the sun for several weeks to match the shit-n-shirt stench. snaf.gifsnaf.gifsnaf.gifsnaf.gifsnaf.gifsnaf.gifsnaf.gifsnaf.gifsnaf.gif

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it's hard to get the smell of rotting, dead rat out of your car snaf.gif a friend of mine trapped a mama snaffle in his toyota, and after a week her litter of babies in the nest within the backseat stuffing all died, after 2 weeks their rotting corpses perfumed not just his car but the whole parking garage at gage towers.

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email chain from may02, subject: wuts that smell?

Gary to Dave: dave, if u smell something skanky or possibly even putrid in ur car, it quite probably is my dirty laundry! i seem 2 remember wrapping dead chicken skins in it. if u decide that u need 2 just take it out back & burn it, i'll understand.

Dave to Gary: I thought a Squamish rat crawled in the car and then died. I was going to trade the car in at lunch today! Maybe all I need to do is buy some protective gear then get the nerve to look under the seat!

Gary to Dave: sorry about the hazardous waste. i did leave dead chicken skins in someones car once. a volkswagen and when he turned on the heater the shit hit the fan, so 2 speak, & he neverly went off the road! i didn't do that on purpose either wazzup.gif

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