Now this sounds embarrassing!

[Heinouscling]

OK folks, even I admit this story is sort of nasty but it was just too funny not to share with you fine folks and I know that a story like this will be graciously received by the slobs on this site.

One of my climbing partners (name withheld, for obvious reasons) told me he drove from Seattle to Vantage one Summer to play on the Basalt there. He gets to The Feathers and being alone, he looks for someone to hook up with. He runs into four, rather fine looking, climbing babes and they take him into their little group to climb with them. He wanders off a little ways to do some warm-up bouldering before joining them. He gets to the rock and reaches up and grabs a hold. Immediately upon exerting effort to get his bulk up onto the rock, his sphincter suffers catastrophic failure and he totally fills his pants full of, what only can be described, as a soupy-like shit! We're talking total release of the flood gates here, folks. One can only imagine the look on his face was something like . Without saying a word to the four gals, he trudges back to his vehicle, which fortunately was only a few yards away, and heads for the nearest gas station. Needless to say, he was slightly upset for a few reasons. The long drive, missed opportunity with the four gals, etc.

After hearing this, I thought to myself, what if this had occured after he had joined the gals? Worse yet, how bout if this had occured when he was fifty feet up on a route? Man alive! I hate to think about it! Has anybody ever had a similar experience or know anybody who has?

I love potty humor, so please share.

-Heinous

[philfort]

Well, this is only midly related to climbing, but anyway.

We were at the Colonial Creek campground getting ready to head in to Mt Logan, when this boy runs quickly by us into the bathrooms. One of my friends is in the stall next to the one this boy *tries* to get into. He didn't quite make it:

(ok, I edited this post and changed it to a link, because the picture was too gross - so that's a warning to you if you click this!) http://www.mtnphil.com/Logan/Poop.JPG

[ 01-16-2002: Message edited by: philfort ]

[Heinouscling]

Oh man! You even took a picture! Duuuude!

-Heinous

[wdietsch]

philfort,

thats...thats just .... thats just fucking gross!!

[climberbro16]

Are those beans? That is preety grose.

[Rodchester]

Sick sick sick...post the picture will ya?

[philfort]

Ok, I removed the inline picture. Btw, to set the record straight, I didn't take the picture, one of my friends did.

Another poop story:

After getting rained out in WA pass, we were down in Mazama, scoping out Goat Wall. We'd been hiking up scree for some time, to the base of the cliff. Two of my friends got ahead of me and the other guy, in this loose gully, so we held back for a while so as not to get hit by falling boulders. And, I needed to take a dump.

I scrambled over a rib and found a flattish spot. There was a rock in my way, so I moved it. Got my harness off and toilet paper out, and was about to go ahead with the process, when I spotted a rattlesnake a couple of feet in front of me, where I had just removed the boulder from. I wasn't sure it was a rattler though... I backed up a few feet, and then stupidly tossed a small rock at it to see what it would do. It started rattling! And getting closer. After a staring contest that lasted several seconds, it slithered away.

Needless to say, I lost the urge to take a dump there.

[climberbro16]

I was with one of my freinds and he was goin on this hill and it was a fairlty steep slope so it rolled down and got in his shorts. (not to bright)

[dr._jay]

one of my friends in thailand had more than his share of intestinal distress while we were there, and for those of you who have been know how bad it can get. so one day he's climbing on the beach during a pretty nasty strech of the runs when nature calls. and since the shitters are sometimes are a long way off, he runs into the jungle, drops his pants and squats over a hole when "crack!", the log he's standing on breaks and he falls down on all the sharp rocks. needless to say he had some pretty interesting cuts and scrapes to show for it, and since everyone climbs shirtless down there he was quite a star because it only took about a day for every climber to hear about it.

[johnny]

I have a friend (who at her request shall remain nameless) who went to Banff last year to do some ice whith a guy she didn't know too well. They had never really climbed together before and after several days she was beginning to realize why; nothing major, they just weren't getting along too well. She eventually found herself leading midway up a pretty steep pitch with full ice regalia on when some pressing items came to bear. Not really willing to hang on the manky screws and she had in below and lower she had little choice. You add it up; exertion + loose loads = spraypainted drawers . To this day she insists that this incident is likely the single most emberrasing moment of her life to date.

She would kick my ass if she knew I am telling you all this.......

[max]

One time, in band camp..

I was mopping up on a fire last year near Chelan. I stopped to take a pee and less than two minutes later I was frantically clawing at my drawers trying to stop whatever was going on down there. Removing my pants and unders, I found the stinger of what I suspect to have been a ground hornet still dangling from the very tip of my weenus. This is all true. Hurt like f**k. And not to get too graffic, but due to the structure of penile tissue, the swelling was actually quite interesting (and disgusting!). That night in the mess tent, I heard some version of the story at nearly every table. I was famous!

[rbw1966]

Shoulda found some medic-hottie to suck out the venom.

Rob

[RURP]

This is RURP.

You crap in your pants and then you laugh.. ...pathetic! "Hey look at me! I crapped in my pants and I want to share my experience with all of you! Yes, I crapped in the middle of your favorite climb! Yoo hoo! Watch your step or you might get a surprise!" How about less crapping and more climbing. Maybe there is a special discussion list on the Internet where people can discuss the movement of their bowels in even greater detail.

RURP has spoken.

[W]

The all-time Yosemite wall story:

Three friends climbing The Shield had their fudge tube accidently detach from the haul bag while they were hauling two pitches above Grey Ledges. The pitch leading to Grey Ledges is a horrid, polished, narrow torture tube of a chimney/slot rated "5.8". In any case, if you are in it there is no escape. As was the case for a certain, to remain nameless, well known climber, who was in the process of leading the pitch when this big shit bomb exploded at the top of the slot after a 300+ foot free fall, COVERING him in three people's one to two day old fecal debris.

Said one of my friends later: "We didn't want to laugh cause we felt horrible, but his voice notched up about five octaves to this high pitched squeal-- "GOD DAMMIT!!! I've got SHIT all OVER me!!! It's in my HAIR, its in the SLINGS, its in the ROPES, it's in the ETRIERS! F$#$#@%*))!!! "

The worst part was that he was apparently on his honeymoon with his new wife for the Triple Direct. They bailed the next day.

[W]

Rurp, I've been wondering where you went. Maybe even you will appreciate that big wall crap story.

[Heinouscling]

Hey, great stuff fellas. I knew I could rely on all of you sloppy bastards to provide some great shit stories. Keep it coming!

RURP, you need to chill out and appreciate the humour in a great shit story. I, personally, find it extremely funny when I hear about some poor bloke having his asshole explode at the worst time possible.

How bout you women out there? Any good shit stories?

-Heinous

[W]

Here's a another gem:

my old friend Ken Davies tells of climbing up the Emmons one night. A woman in his large group has to do #2 in the middle of the climb. She goes off to the side in the darkness and everyone respectfully looks away. Two climbing teams approach side by side. Ken says to them "hey everyone, there's a lady going to the bathroom over here so be polite and don't shine your headlamps over there please". Ken tells it like this: "(laughing)..So of course what do they do? All seven or eight of them look over simultaneously and their headlamp beams converge right on her ass, and here's this nine inch banana comin' out !" The woman was of course mortified.

[Heinouscling]

quote:

---

Originally posted by W:

Here's a another gem:my old friend Ken Davies tells of climbing up the Emmons one night. A woman in his large group has to do #2 in the middle of the climb. She goes off to the side in the darkness and everyone respectfully looks away. Two climbing teams approach side by side. Ken says to them "hey everyone, there's a lady going to the bathroom over here so be polite and don't shine your headlamps over there please". Ken tells it like this: "(laughing)..So of course what do they do? All seven or eight of them look over simultaneously and their headlamp beams converge right on her ass, and here's this nine inch banana comin' out !" The woman was of course mortified.

---

Oh yea!!! Bloody oath!! That was a great one! The woman must have been nicely hydrated. I usually shit peas when I've been up in the hills for awhile.

What did the seven or eight blokes do? Did they stand there and stare at her ass for a bit?

This is fantastic stuff!

-Heinous

[jblakley]

quote:

---

Originally posted by W:

"(laughing)..So of course what do they do? All seven or eight of them look over simultaneously and their headlamp beams converge right on her ass, and here's this nine inch banana comin' out !" The woman was of course mortified.

---

Ok guys the previous stuff was funny but "Fruitus Tropicalus Defecatus" is a serious gastrointestinal disorder. I hope she had that condition checked out. (snicker)

[Bob_Clarke]

Hey Blakely - You still with Microhard?

[jblakley]

Bobby me boy! Yes I am still microhard..oh wait do I work there! Sorry misunderstood. Yep. Watch ya up to this weekend? Drop me a message.

[Doug]

Wow Jim, you are almost at 300 post! You are like a mounted on the dashboard plastic spray jesus!

[jblakley]

Yes I am a plastic Jesus. I only need a plastic blow up Mary Magdelene to make my life complete!

[pope]

I think I've told this one before. Anway, my buddy got lucky in J-Tree one evening, with a gal who split the following day. He filled me in on all the details over lunch, which for him consisted of a "California" burrito, one of these grease-bomb deals that's got everything from taco-chicken to french fries and spouts, all zipped up in a tortilla. This thing had sat in the car all night and through the following morning.

That afternoon, my buddy turned green as frog on Drano, ran behind a rock and didn't come out for 15 minutes. Turns out that he had developed explosive diarrhea and had been unable to drop his shorts before the show started. He ran straight for the tent to, as Frank Zappa would say, "WASH UP HIS PIE". While he was in the tent, another gal he knows arrived in camp after a long drive from who knows where. As soon as she identified herself, I knew a golden opportunity had presented itself, and I quickly told her, "Sure I've seen him today. He's right over there in the tent, and he can't wait to see you."

[avypoodle]

nice topic! I have two stories. Unfortunately, I to was once a mountaineer, actually I never graduated so I guess I can't claim mounti status, oh well. Anyway, on our alpine climb we had to sign up for Logan starting from rainy pass. 20+ mile approach. Anyway, it went fine but on the way back one of the group leaders who undoubtedly was a pretty tough guy, came down with some kind of parasite\bacterial thing that was causing him to have to stop and "download the backlog" about every two minutes. To his credit he dealt with it like a champ, especially considering that he was "losing alot of blood" as he told us later. The other was down in Colorado at a place called Cascade Canyon near Durango. A friend was attempting an ice/mixed climb on TR. The move wasn't really that bad, but he was doing it strangely, kinda trying to hump the pillar. Anyway, with one knee near his chest he suddeny gets a very strange look on his face and asks to be lowered, woops.

[ 01-17-2002: Message edited by: avypoodle ]