In case you were wondering.
Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You’re a true role model for young people, the way you’ve achieved financial success and remained active in your community while masturbating pretty much constantly.
Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
Despite the urgent need for the million-person interstellar starliner you designed, you’ll hide your blueprints, because you can’t think of a million people you could stand being with on a trip that long.
Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
It’s been three months since you’ve been hit by a bus, but the law of averages catches up with you this week, when you win free tickets to the Annual Greyhound Operators’ Dozen-Coach Rodeo.
Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
You might have been speaking entirely in jest, but those abductors would not have taken your wife if you hadn’t had the manners to add “please.”
Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Technically, “filibusters” can only take place on the congressional floor. All you’re doing is keeping that poor waiter from attending to his other tables.
Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Your friends have always referred to you as having an “old soul,” but your soul is nothing compared to your arteries.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
Despite changing your number a dozen times, you’ll continue to get late-night phone calls from Owen warning you not to come sniffin’ around his women.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You will soon be renowned throughout the land as Furious Nine-Mile-Reach Fist, a name that sounds cool but will actually turn out to be a handicap in your job as a suburban realtor.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You’ve always lived by the words of your father, who said, “Even if you’re only a ditch digger, you should be the best damn ditch digger you can be.” Well, good job, you fucking ditch digger.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
You’ll be a very sought-after sports-page interview when the Minnesota Vikings demand that their new stadium include your head on a post at the main entrance.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
You always suspected that no one would attend your funeral, but due to a rare coma-like neurological condition, you’ll actually be able to see all the empty pews.
Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
You’re offered the chance to serve as “the most dangerous game” for a billionaire sportsman, but it’s canceled after he finds a tiger that has been trained to work a rocket launcher.
Thank you