knotzen

Good TR. I can only aspire to be as good a lia--er, climber as you.

Hey, you talkin' to me?

"The scientists say that just as North American suburbs act as breeding sanctuaries for humans, large tracts of North America could act as breeding sanctuaries for species of large wild animals under threat in Africa and Asia. Both such ecological history parks could be major tourist attractions."

"Final Days," by Karl Rove?

Yeah, but you'd shoot yourself in the foot.

OK, Captain Kirk; coffee break's over. Back on your head! Actually, this joke came from a former boss of mine. He would walk by and see a few of us talking or goofing off, and he'd say, "OK everybody; back on your heads!"

You would know.

Oops, better close my mouth when I snore--might get some nasty brown stuff in it.

The question is: Do you?

Oh yeah? Take this: And this: And this:

Fenderfour dies in a tragic spraying accident, and ends up in Hell. Satan welcomes him, and says, “Just as on the Price is Right, you have three doors to choose from; your choice determines how you will spend eternity. As each door is revealed, if you choose what is behind that door, you will never know what might have been behind the next door.” Fenderfour says, “Sure, OK, man, let’s get on with it.” Satan opens Door Number 1, to reveal people walking on a spiked floor. Their feet are bloody, and they cry in anguish. “Shit, that looks painful. I couldn’t do that,” says Fenderfour. “What’s next?” Satan closes the door and opens Door Number 2, to reveal people with lifeless legs crawling on a spiked floor. They are covered in blood and screaming with pain. “Oh my God,” says Fenderfour. “That’s horrendous. I couldn’t put up with that kind of pain for all eternity! I’ll have to go to the next door,” wondering if his fate could be even worse. Satan closes the door, and finally, opens Door Number 3. Fenderfour sees people standing around in two feet of shit, drinking coffee and eating donuts. “Well, says Fenderfour, “this is gross, but not painful. Hey, this ain’t too bad at all. Whew. I got lucky.” “Fine,” says Satan. “In you go.” And then Satan yells to the room, “All right, everyone, coffee break’s over. Back on your heads!”

No, that's just a promo ad for a diet plan available here in the nether regions. I have it pinned up on my refrigerator, too, as an incentive to lose the few thousand tons I've picked up over the last fifteen billion years (since I lit the nuclear cherry bomb that started the universe you breath in). WTF? Skinny is the latest thing with your culture. Remember, "skinny dudes fight 'till they're burger". Me and a few of the others [you know, Jesus ("Josh"), Buddha (we call him "Bohdi"), Phil Hartman ("Jizz"), Ghandi (he likes to be called "MyHotMan"), Sister Theresa (Terry knows how to party) & her sidekick Gilda Radner ("Twisted Sista"), Paramahansa Yogananda ("Bro") and a bunch of other freaks] like to watch and quote lines from Fight Club. If we want a good laugh we watch It's A Wonderful Life. First, Clint Eastwood... and now you. Just wait 'till you come over to this side. We're all gonna pin you down and give you a "pink belly" until you're yellin' "I'm smitten! I'm smitten! IIIIII'mmmm SMITTENNNNNN!"

That was K2's first ever post on cc.com. Sweet! So he can't blame us if we think him a wee bit paranoid.

God's a skeleton?! No wonder he's so weak and ineffectual. Go ahead, smite me. Make my day.

Hey, K2, ever feel like somebody's out to get you?

So, two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!" And so they did. As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!" And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"

Oh, had the Religious Jokes thread drifted into sexual innuendo (as usual)? My mistake. Carry on, carry on. No, no, don't let me stop you.

Oh Lord, Please Don't Burn Us Oh Lord please don't burn us don't kill or toast your flock Don't put us on the barbecue or simmer us in stock, Don't bake or baste or boil us or stir-fry us in a wok. Oh, please don't lightly poach us Or baste us with hot fat. Don't fricassee or roast us Or boil us in a vat, And please don't stick thy servants, Lord, In a Rotissomat. --Composed by Eric Idle and John Du Prez, authored by Graham Chapman and John Cleese (d'oh!)

You know, that reminds me of my ex-husband, for some reason. He never even ate Gu.

Rummy: For you or for her?

Haw!

Besides, why else would I be wasting my time on this board? Hmm?

No, I'm dumb, dumb, dumb. Too much

Bananas...Subarus...? Call me dumbzen, but I don't get the connection.