Dwayner

Ahoy, Jens...yes, it was an archaeology thang. It was supposed to be this massive burial cave. I was just going to see if it was relatively intact because I was concerned about possible commercial development in the area. Some of the old Hawaiian kahuna priests would put curses (kapu) on such places and I've heard those stories for years. People falling in and breaking legs, disappearing etc. Don't particularly believe in that stuff but it makes you think. (heck! I'd of been gone a long time ago if all that Egyptian mummy curse stuff was real!!!) Anyway, here's the epilogue: I go over there (Kona Coast on the Big Island) at least once a year. I tried to relocate that cave of doom two years in a row and finally found it again and took compass bearings. About a year ago, a manager at a nearby resort who is an amateru historian and myself revisited the place and the two of us did a fairly thorough exploration...with about a mile of small diameter cord on a spool, and a pack with 8 big flashlights, and a guy waiting at the entrance, etc. Found one of the gloves I'd dropped during my previous incident...the place where we got lost wasn't all that far from the main entrance tunnel, but if it's pitch black, and you don't know where you are, you're doomed anyway. We wore lei's made of ti leaves during our exploration and left them at the entrance. It's suppose to be the respectful thing to do. Glad I went back to do it the right way. It closed the circle...now if only I could get rid of these recurring nightmares!!! have a great weekend! - Dwayner

You know what Iambone...I decided a month ago or so that I wasn't going to respond any longer to your inane personal slights because I found you to be a very immature and unreasonable fellow. Now I'm here in this caving discussion sharing what I feel to be some very personal and important anecdotal information that I hope will cause people to think twice before making the same very serious mistakes that almost cost me my life on two occasions. And you come out of the woodwork to call me a "poser"? (By the way, ignoramus, if you choose to use such words, the proper spelling is "poseur"). There's a lot of posturing and funny schtick on this list but it's usually easy to sort out the mischief from the reality. I feel very blessed to have been able to lead (and continue to lead) a very adventurous life (and if you knew me personally, you might be very surprised). I have a lot of fun things to share and a lot of serious things as well. So if you're pleased that you finally got another response out of me by making light of some heartfelt advice, well it's yours pal. Congratulations. Ain't you the achiever! Grow up, buddy! And I hope others on this list will let you know likewise. Good luck and best wishes for a happy life. I mean that. - Dwayner

Hey Dudes! Listen to Dwayner who knows about this one...Just cuz you might be big stud alpinists doesn't mean you know from: a) caving, b) river rafting. I've had a lot of close calls in my life but the closest I ever came to getting killed was being lost in a complex system of lava tubes in Hawaii. I used to think caving was a wus sport. And had done all kinds of them. Limestone, lava, fissure caves. Then I got over-confident and all of my mistakes caught up to me. We got lost in a very remote area with an extremely difficult to locate cave entrance and nobody knew we were even out there. We were down to one light and I thought it was all over. It would have been a slow, painful demise even after I would have eaten my buddy. (He had a heart condition so I know he'd have gone first.) We were miraculously saved by following a tiny stream of cold air which we could only feel due to the fact that we were sweating profusely from panic and humidity. The details are even weirder and more horrifying but I learned my lesson. (By the way, when I came out of that cave, cut up and beaten, I was white as a ghost and white hair started to appear in my moustache.) I can still have nightmares about this if I think about it too much. The lesson? Know what you're doing and tell someone responsible exactly where and which cave you're going into. (It sounds like the Mountaineer's gave me this advice, but in this case I believe it!) Yes, there are caves on Cave Ridge. They're hard to find but descriptions (and topos?) can be had in an also hard to find book called Caves of Washington. I heard rumors that some of the entrances were gated, the keys being held by local spelunking clubs or "Grottos" as they call themselves. Also some good caves down by Mt. St. Helens. Again, be damn careful. Go with a real caver or at least read a book telling you what to wear and bring, etc. I also thought that river rafting was a king-size wussy sport. (I still sort of do.) So one day many years ago, during icy cold spring meltoff, I had my climbing gear dumped off at the Peshastin Pinnicles while me and my buddy launched ourselves into the mighty Wenatchee in a two-man inflatable kayak. We were going to float down the river to Peshastin and go climbing for the day. We were no more than a quarter mile out of downtown Leavenworth when we were swimming for our lives in the icy cold river. Barely made it out. Puked water the rest of the day and wasn't sure if I was really still alive for a while. Very traumatic. Yup, I think many of us think because we have at least some sort of technical mastery in mountain pursuits that everything else is a pushover. Wrong! Dwayner didn't know from caving or rafting. So...be careful out there! - Dwayner P.S. I should tell you some of my paragliding stories sometime!!!

Hey! The hell with the fat girl talk (someone out there loves them!)...who brought the Mickey's? Listen here. Having just returned from Spain where I was a special guest at a beauty pageant (that's not why I was there) I got to see some mighty strange things.... It seems to be the trend there that the females squeeze into anything they can fit one leg into and after that I suppose they need help or a shoehorn to get in the rest of the way. The same goes for their tops, some of them which are so tight they look painted on. THIS GOES FOR ALL YOUNG (mostly unmarried) WOMEN REGARDLESS OF SIZE, including the hefty ones, who seem to be completely unabashed with their mighty rolls of flesh held back by the slimmest of fabric. Worse than that, are some of the teenage girls who do their best to look like burned-out 30 year old American crack whores. I've seen some of that happening here too and Dwayner don't like it. First the Frenchies bring sport-climbing...now the Euro's are are exporting another warped notion of trendiness: the cheap hooker look...just wait, it will be the latest fashion trend at "The Comps". Have a nice day. - DWAYNER, who must be as bored as the rest of you to even comment on this subject. P.S. I know the son of the guy who invented Spandex. The family name is "Spanel", thus the trademark. A huge fortune was made but I think my friend didn't get a lot because he didn't get along with his Dad.

I spent years in school, etc. to get a Ph.D. in the one of the world's coolest subjects and also one of the most worthless!!! Basically, I'm qualified to be an over-educated ditch-digger. On the other hand, I can wake up most mornings laughing my butt off that I actually make a decent living doing this stuff, and on a good year, which is most years these days, I grab more action and adventure than the average Joe will get in a lifetime! And I can climb basically whenever I feel like it! Yee haw! You don't want to know the details because it's too bizarre and everyone thinks I'm making it up when I tell them. Hey! What's for dinner? I'm thirsty! - Dwayner P.S. My dress for the office is a Hawaiian shirt and no shoes. P.P.S.S. Haireball! You rule! You made it happen, my brother, and I respect that!!! I'll be drinkin' one for you at the Engine House tonight!!

"Mickey's big mouths now and a just plain big mouth later!" or better yet, "IF THERE'S AN OUNCE OF LOSER IN YOU, THE MOUNTAIN'S GONNA FIND IT!!!" (I don't do the Capt Morgan (no mo).

Erik! Parkway Tavern....awesome!!! I could probably walk (or stagger) there. Oh so convenient for Dwayner!!! When it gonna be? aloha, Dwayner P.S. When it gonna be?

Far from me to be a party-whiner...but some of us folk down in lesser-developed Tacoma (Gateway to Mt. Rainier!) might prefer someplace a little more proletarian and perhaps a bit closer to home. I fraternize with a couple of groups with a wider Puget Sound membership and we try to meet half-way sometimes: Southcenter, Federal Way, that sort of thing, or rotate, so the Southerners don't have to do so much routefinding. (And if we pass too many bars along the way, we're never gonna make it!) I 'spect that the readers of this list are scattered to and fro, but do what you must. It sounds like a great time! You probably won't be seeing me on Mercer Island unless it's raining....or unless they's got Mickey's on tap, and serve it up in small, wide-mouthed green bottles! Ya never knows, though! aloha! - Dwayner

I don't know if the bolting party participates in this board or not, but I think this should be brought to their attention. Perhaps a liberal deadline is in order. If they, themselves(or their proxies), haven't repaired the damage by say, the end of August, perhaps others will elect to do so (unless someone else is totally outraged and motivated and can't wait so long). In the meantime, perhaps those who wish can protest the climb by doing DDD on toprope, or leading it and ignoring the bolts. DO NOT attempt the latter unless you are confident and capable and maybe have top-roped it first so you know what you're going to need. If I recall, the protection is a bit dubious, and that's what probably inspired the sport-bolting in the first place. - Dwayner

Lest anyone think I'm a HUGE hypocrite on this modification issue, being a member of the Pacific Northwest Amateur Mohel and Drinking Society and all: I talked pope out of having a unit reduction. "Just tuck the dang deal into your sock and get on with your life", I said, although he claims he gets a lot of nasty scratches when he's bushwacking in his shorts.

RE: breast enlargment. For all of you ladies considering such an operation, it is a lot cheaper and less painful to have the words "low self-esteem" tattooed across your forehead. And for those of you men, boyfriends, husbands, etc. who are coaxing your girlfriends and wives to get enlarged for your own pleasure, you are self-centered jackasses! Why should you ladies care what some man thinks about your chest? Here's a big secret: many men like, if not prefer, small tops, and most are just happy to be in the vicinity, regardless of the size. And the small ones will stay perky long after the big girls are tucking theirs into the waistbands of their sweatpants. Besides, most fake "boobs" look fake, even from a distance. So, I would suggest that you save some time and money: Save some time by concentrating on developing positive relationships with people who aren't superficial; Save some money: the shekels it would cost for an enhancement could probably fund your climbing career for some time. Bobbi B.?: poor role-modeling for young women in this regard. just my opinion, Dwayner

Ahoy. Dwayner here. Very serious this time. Ain't gonna posture about drinking Mickey's or spraying about ex-girlie friends; serious as serious. Been away for awhile and had the opportunity to drive through Leavenworth today where I paid a visit to Castle Rock to view the Dan's Dreadful Direct controversy up-close for the first time. After all the chest-pounding I've read on this list about erasing the bolts, I was surprised to see they were still intact. And after viewing the site myself, my personal impression was that it was truly a sad scene. I first climbed at Castle in 1976 and although a few bolts were added to the crag afterwards, mostly with addition of new routes on Lower Castle, the rock for the most part has remained a traditional crag, and until recently, nearly in the same state I fondly remembered during my first visit 25 years ago. Back then, and until recently, DDD was a thing of awe, a difficult intimidating route led by few and top-roped by those who weren't up to the challenge of leading it, including myself. I feel that the addition of the bolts here has thoroughly cheapened the route and has set a horrible precedent for the future. While hiking down, I was lucky enough to run into an old friend who was taking his son and another young boy up Castle. It made me think about what kind of crags we want to leave for our kids...relatively pristine rock, leaving as few traces of our passage as possible?, or a rusting trail of defaced rock, the result of someone's vision of self-gratification? Perhaps it's time to draw the line. No more sport bolting of traditional routes or crags, even if that means that one's "creative" ego will have to be suppressed or expressed elsewhere. I have been told who the architects of the DDD fiasco are. They are both excellent climbers and smart guys; one, in fact, is probably one of the most experienced climbers in the Northwest (I don't know much about the other fellow). I have no interest in "outing" them; they can do that themselves if they choose. However, I would suggest that they be given the opportunity to dismantle their handiwork themselves. And even after the outrage that has been loudly expressed, should they not feel compelled themselves to do so, perhaps someone who knows them should at least remove the hangars and return the debris to their owners. A suitable plan for restoring the route should follow. Apparently these two fellows solicited opinions from friends before doing this. I suppose they must have received a few nods of approval or ambivalence from someone. I still can't believe they did this; one of them I know has been climbing at Castle even longer than I and is intimately aware of its history. Why not just-top rope such routes? What's next? The nearby MF Overhang (which I find to be a scary lead)? or perhaps Brass Balls on the Lower Rock? We better figure this stuff out on our own or "The Man" WILL step in, as they tend to do. In this case, I'm afraid that their nearly predictable response of banning further bolting, is probably the more sensible solution for the long-term preservation of the climbing environment. Sincerely, Dwayner P.S.....Sad, sad, sad!

I once drank a sixer of Mickey's Big Mouth by myself in a JanSport tent like the ones Big Lou endorses. - Dwayner (P.S. I haven't heard of most of these people that many seem to think are famous. Sometime soon, when 'ol drunk Dwayner is back in his office, I think this whole concept of "fame", and how it is created, would be a worthy topic. Why? Because there are loads of folks doing amazing things out there, that would put some of these "names" to shame if they chose to advertise their accomplishments. Really! {I ain't one of them.]

Did anyone happen to mention Mickey's Big Mouth?.....wait a minute....I already did.... sorry, amigos - Dwayner, counting change from under the sofa cushion and seeing if there be enough to justify a walk to 7-11 for a refill.

Ahoy Fellow Ascent-Monkeys: It's summer and the mountains are waiting so in the interest of saving some time and money reading a bunch of mountaineering literature, I suggest we submit some short, to the point reviews; "Cliff Notes", so to speak, of some choice volumes. For example: Heinrich Harrer, "The White Spider": Ice-axe wielding crypto-Nazi climbs big scary mountain. Joe Simpson, "Touching the Void": Climber cuts rope and partner falls in crevasse. Partner climbs out." Lou Whittaker, "Memoirs of a Mountain Guide": Hi, I'm Big Lou...Look at me....over here, a little to your left....No, I'm not that Everest guy but I look just like him...Hey! where you going? Pat Ament, "High Endeavors": I write very well and other people agree. I am also very sensitive. Just ask me. I realize lots of people love these books, so it be just my opinion. - Dwayner, looking for a fun topic. P.S. You know that chick in "The Crying Game"?....It's really a dude!!!

Fellow Ascent-Monkeys: Just walked by the magazine rack at the local book emporium where I paged through one of the major climbing rags. The cover promised a feature article on the subject of "Beat the Crowds". Expecting some exciting snaps and commentary about window-smashing, cheese-import complainin', wanna pretend we're back in the '60's WTO protestors getting a little instant justice, I was disappointed to find that it had to do with some climbing area that's hard to get to or otherwise rarely visited, complete with pictures to get you all excited and such. "Beat the Crowds"....ain't that ironic...who ever wrote the thing will get a little cash; a short-term reward for punishing a favorite climbing area. The theme of the article will likely be passé next year when the crowds start beating their path. What's the stinkin' point?$$$$$???????? - Dwayner, who be shakin' his head sideways.

Mickey's.....Mickey's Big Mouth...in fact, I had a few for breakfast this very morning. - Dwayner

Ahoy, Mr. Special! Been going up there for over 20 years, but never done Golden Arches. Seen the descriptions, but was interested in some anecdotes about the arch part and such, if the belays be good, etc. thanks! Dwayner

Hone-masters: I be seeking some beta on a few gnarl-fests for possible summer consideration. You been there? Let's hear how "hinky" it was: 1) the elusive Mt. Garfield 2) N. face of Mt. Bering 3) (not necessarily gnarly but...)Golden Arches, Index Upper Town Wall. gracias, Dwayner

Pope: Finally back in town after 31 hours of traveling hell....went straight from the airport to the closest recognizable vendor carrying the beloved and much-missed Mickey's Big Mouth....AAhhhhhhh!!!!! Got a week o'bidness in Montana coming up then it's climb-o-rama for much of the summer. What I be confessing????? uhhhh....I wish the Mickey's came in 8-packs!!!! love, Dwayner

Emmons Glacier on Rainier with Big Lou. Definitely. With a dazzling new variation which veers slightly over to the Winthrop and then back again. Can't wait for the summit high-fiving and if I'm really lucky, a big ole hug in down parkas! - Dwayner

Cap'n Dru! You be so wrong! Someday we'll all show up at the same time somewhere and it will be YOU who will be buying the beers, m´man! Sounds like you need a little conspiracy in your life...How about this: Big Lou=Billy Barty=Judy Garland. Got it out of your system now? And for those of you who are tired with the antics reported in Pope's Confessional, all I can say is... "Daddy, I'm bored!!! Will you buy me another new sports car for my birthday??? Please!!!!" Keep up the good work, Pope! It's generated four pages of well-needed conscience relief and occasional humor! And for those scoffers out there, we will definitely have to arrange a simultaneous appearance, eh Pope? with booze as the bet, and even bring DT-S if we can talk her into it. I'm gettin' thirsty just thinking about the possibilities! So here's to you, Mr. Dru....Goo-goo-ku-ju!!! your pal, Dwayner

Got a linguistic experiment for y'all, to see if and how a piece of jargon can be introduced into the climbing mileau. Here's the source of my inspiration. Believe it or not, a couple of nights ago I was a VIP at a Spanish beauty pageant (don't ask why..). It was quite spectacular. Loads of dramatic Vangelis music blasting from huge speakers while 50 dancing sea nymphs flittered about the stage and a fog machine spewed forth for several hours (last time I saw that much smoke, the Israeli army was bustin'-up a birthday party in East Jerusalem.). 14 girls aged sixteen to eighteen were gussied up to look like 30 year old burned-out American hookers, and there were more fireworks and explosions than a bad night in the upper Golan. (Never thought I'd watch a bathing suit competition and want the girls to put their clothes BACK ON!) Anyway, with my ringside seat at the stage and runway, I was well-entertained as various enthusiastic members of the audience yelled heartfelt, nearly hysterical cries of "guapa! guapa!" as each of the young ladies paraded by. (pronounced "gwa-pa" for you those of you not familiar with the Español, meaning beautiful/handsome). I started laughing my tail off and the people around me just assumed I was overcome with emotion like everyone else in the vicinity. So here's the plan...next time you're out at Exit 38, Vantage or some other sport-hell, and you see some poseur hanging off a bolt in a tight flaming lycra costume, miming a sequence, or doing the hair comb, give 'em a good old "guapa!!!" ("guapo" if it's a dude.) Say it like you mean it and let's see if the fresh faces from the climbing gyms diffuse the vocab. in the belief that it is some sort of new suave and continental addition to the terminology. (And it sounds even goofier than "Allez!") Can't wait to try it out; maybe I'll grab a sixer and hike up to Exit 38 when I get home. (Shaking your head with a tear in your eye and applauding with vigor can accompanying your shouts of praise for the full effect.) - Dwayner, still tired from the experience...The top Betty wasn't announced until 2 AM.

Alpine Thomas: Since you asked.... re: the number of croquet balls... I have an ol' climbing pal from my Southern Calif. youth, come up from L.A. every July to be my "pit crew". Same guy, every year. He sets up the wicket and ball every two to three miles along the side of the road. I run with the mallet, and if I'm successful in hitting the ball through, I am rewarded with sports drink (Gatorade - to stay on topic) and a fragment of PowerBar or bananner. If I miss, then I might be lookin' at a little thirst until the next set up but I usually jog in place and take a couple of swings until I get it through. My pit-man, world famous climber Denis Erectus, will occasionally set up "mystery wickets" in obnoxious locations with no treats to follow, the most annoying being on that nasty hill on the way up to Paradise just after the turn-off to Stevens Canyon above Narada Falls. He'll put one across the road on a slope forcing me to cross when I'm working hardest. In between, he sits in a lawn chair and reads a book, and afterwards, it's beer 'n babes at Cougar Rock campground and a couple of days of climbing. There it is, and I'm training for it now! (I've taken my mallet climbing a couple of times. Would like to round up a few jokers to play in the Rainer crater sometime.) See you at CAMROD/RAMROD! - DDDDDDDDDDDDDDwayner

Spray Lord, m'man...if only it were but a dream. I agree. I'm sick of reporting about this manipulative little vixen. The interest by others have fueled the updates so unless she chooses to contribute further, I'm in no mood to facilitate her personality cult. She's moving away. Let her annoy the hippies in Boulder. Maybe there's a climber bulletin board in Colorado she can spout off on. I will suggest to her that she doesn't have a ready audience for her aggressive male-bashing in the NW climbing community (even while the bashers seem to follow her around like flies to a dumptruck!) And you, too, Pope: don't encourage her obnoxious behavior by bringing her up in your posts either. Spray-Meister: the word will be passed on although I can't guarantee results, especially if people like you fuel her blabbering by calling her "rotten" whatever. (In general, it ain't terribly respectful to call people names like that unless you got some personal experience to back it up (so you went out with her too, eh????hey, hey!!) Your royal highness, King of All Spray, I'd think that you of all denizens of the Alpine Kingdom would be more tolerant of sprayicious verbage. As they say, if you don't like it, don't read it, but I agree, the mere name will likely bring me some bad memories. Carry on, oh Sprayatollah! - Dwayner P.S. You don't believe she's real, eh? I know Pope's got some tasty snaps somewhere, probably from his Cirque Expedition. Maybe he can post one sometime. (I hear he's got pictures of her girlfriend Erika changing out of her sports-bra.) I'll have to check. I think I have a few but they're group photos at a party and such, and non-climbing stuff. I suppose I could try and take a few more during the next couple days...although my efforts will probably be looked upon now with typical suspicion, especially after she reads this.....(dough!) I already caught hell for the last post!!!! Things ain't goin's so well! P.P.S.S. Did I mention that I can't guarantee results???