Dwayner

Erik! Parkway Tavern....awesome!!! I could probably walk (or stagger) there. Oh so convenient for Dwayner!!! When it gonna be? aloha, Dwayner P.S. When it gonna be?

Far from me to be a party-whiner...but some of us folk down in lesser-developed Tacoma (Gateway to Mt. Rainier!) might prefer someplace a little more proletarian and perhaps a bit closer to home. I fraternize with a couple of groups with a wider Puget Sound membership and we try to meet half-way sometimes: Southcenter, Federal Way, that sort of thing, or rotate, so the Southerners don't have to do so much routefinding. (And if we pass too many bars along the way, we're never gonna make it!) I 'spect that the readers of this list are scattered to and fro, but do what you must. It sounds like a great time! You probably won't be seeing me on Mercer Island unless it's raining....or unless they's got Mickey's on tap, and serve it up in small, wide-mouthed green bottles! Ya never knows, though! aloha! - Dwayner

I don't know if the bolting party participates in this board or not, but I think this should be brought to their attention. Perhaps a liberal deadline is in order. If they, themselves(or their proxies), haven't repaired the damage by say, the end of August, perhaps others will elect to do so (unless someone else is totally outraged and motivated and can't wait so long). In the meantime, perhaps those who wish can protest the climb by doing DDD on toprope, or leading it and ignoring the bolts. DO NOT attempt the latter unless you are confident and capable and maybe have top-roped it first so you know what you're going to need. If I recall, the protection is a bit dubious, and that's what probably inspired the sport-bolting in the first place. - Dwayner

Lest anyone think I'm a HUGE hypocrite on this modification issue, being a member of the Pacific Northwest Amateur Mohel and Drinking Society and all: I talked pope out of having a unit reduction. "Just tuck the dang deal into your sock and get on with your life", I said, although he claims he gets a lot of nasty scratches when he's bushwacking in his shorts.

RE: breast enlargment. For all of you ladies considering such an operation, it is a lot cheaper and less painful to have the words "low self-esteem" tattooed across your forehead. And for those of you men, boyfriends, husbands, etc. who are coaxing your girlfriends and wives to get enlarged for your own pleasure, you are self-centered jackasses! Why should you ladies care what some man thinks about your chest? Here's a big secret: many men like, if not prefer, small tops, and most are just happy to be in the vicinity, regardless of the size. And the small ones will stay perky long after the big girls are tucking theirs into the waistbands of their sweatpants. Besides, most fake "boobs" look fake, even from a distance. So, I would suggest that you save some time and money: Save some time by concentrating on developing positive relationships with people who aren't superficial; Save some money: the shekels it would cost for an enhancement could probably fund your climbing career for some time. Bobbi B.?: poor role-modeling for young women in this regard. just my opinion, Dwayner

Ahoy. Dwayner here. Very serious this time. Ain't gonna posture about drinking Mickey's or spraying about ex-girlie friends; serious as serious. Been away for awhile and had the opportunity to drive through Leavenworth today where I paid a visit to Castle Rock to view the Dan's Dreadful Direct controversy up-close for the first time. After all the chest-pounding I've read on this list about erasing the bolts, I was surprised to see they were still intact. And after viewing the site myself, my personal impression was that it was truly a sad scene. I first climbed at Castle in 1976 and although a few bolts were added to the crag afterwards, mostly with addition of new routes on Lower Castle, the rock for the most part has remained a traditional crag, and until recently, nearly in the same state I fondly remembered during my first visit 25 years ago. Back then, and until recently, DDD was a thing of awe, a difficult intimidating route led by few and top-roped by those who weren't up to the challenge of leading it, including myself. I feel that the addition of the bolts here has thoroughly cheapened the route and has set a horrible precedent for the future. While hiking down, I was lucky enough to run into an old friend who was taking his son and another young boy up Castle. It made me think about what kind of crags we want to leave for our kids...relatively pristine rock, leaving as few traces of our passage as possible?, or a rusting trail of defaced rock, the result of someone's vision of self-gratification? Perhaps it's time to draw the line. No more sport bolting of traditional routes or crags, even if that means that one's "creative" ego will have to be suppressed or expressed elsewhere. I have been told who the architects of the DDD fiasco are. They are both excellent climbers and smart guys; one, in fact, is probably one of the most experienced climbers in the Northwest (I don't know much about the other fellow). I have no interest in "outing" them; they can do that themselves if they choose. However, I would suggest that they be given the opportunity to dismantle their handiwork themselves. And even after the outrage that has been loudly expressed, should they not feel compelled themselves to do so, perhaps someone who knows them should at least remove the hangars and return the debris to their owners. A suitable plan for restoring the route should follow. Apparently these two fellows solicited opinions from friends before doing this. I suppose they must have received a few nods of approval or ambivalence from someone. I still can't believe they did this; one of them I know has been climbing at Castle even longer than I and is intimately aware of its history. Why not just-top rope such routes? What's next? The nearby MF Overhang (which I find to be a scary lead)? or perhaps Brass Balls on the Lower Rock? We better figure this stuff out on our own or "The Man" WILL step in, as they tend to do. In this case, I'm afraid that their nearly predictable response of banning further bolting, is probably the more sensible solution for the long-term preservation of the climbing environment. Sincerely, Dwayner P.S.....Sad, sad, sad!

I once drank a sixer of Mickey's Big Mouth by myself in a JanSport tent like the ones Big Lou endorses. - Dwayner (P.S. I haven't heard of most of these people that many seem to think are famous. Sometime soon, when 'ol drunk Dwayner is back in his office, I think this whole concept of "fame", and how it is created, would be a worthy topic. Why? Because there are loads of folks doing amazing things out there, that would put some of these "names" to shame if they chose to advertise their accomplishments. Really! {I ain't one of them.]

Did anyone happen to mention Mickey's Big Mouth?.....wait a minute....I already did.... sorry, amigos - Dwayner, counting change from under the sofa cushion and seeing if there be enough to justify a walk to 7-11 for a refill.

Ahoy Fellow Ascent-Monkeys: It's summer and the mountains are waiting so in the interest of saving some time and money reading a bunch of mountaineering literature, I suggest we submit some short, to the point reviews; "Cliff Notes", so to speak, of some choice volumes. For example: Heinrich Harrer, "The White Spider": Ice-axe wielding crypto-Nazi climbs big scary mountain. Joe Simpson, "Touching the Void": Climber cuts rope and partner falls in crevasse. Partner climbs out." Lou Whittaker, "Memoirs of a Mountain Guide": Hi, I'm Big Lou...Look at me....over here, a little to your left....No, I'm not that Everest guy but I look just like him...Hey! where you going? Pat Ament, "High Endeavors": I write very well and other people agree. I am also very sensitive. Just ask me. I realize lots of people love these books, so it be just my opinion. - Dwayner, looking for a fun topic. P.S. You know that chick in "The Crying Game"?....It's really a dude!!!

Fellow Ascent-Monkeys: Just walked by the magazine rack at the local book emporium where I paged through one of the major climbing rags. The cover promised a feature article on the subject of "Beat the Crowds". Expecting some exciting snaps and commentary about window-smashing, cheese-import complainin', wanna pretend we're back in the '60's WTO protestors getting a little instant justice, I was disappointed to find that it had to do with some climbing area that's hard to get to or otherwise rarely visited, complete with pictures to get you all excited and such. "Beat the Crowds"....ain't that ironic...who ever wrote the thing will get a little cash; a short-term reward for punishing a favorite climbing area. The theme of the article will likely be passé next year when the crowds start beating their path. What's the stinkin' point?$$$$$???????? - Dwayner, who be shakin' his head sideways.

Mickey's.....Mickey's Big Mouth...in fact, I had a few for breakfast this very morning. - Dwayner

Ahoy, Mr. Special! Been going up there for over 20 years, but never done Golden Arches. Seen the descriptions, but was interested in some anecdotes about the arch part and such, if the belays be good, etc. thanks! Dwayner

Hone-masters: I be seeking some beta on a few gnarl-fests for possible summer consideration. You been there? Let's hear how "hinky" it was: 1) the elusive Mt. Garfield 2) N. face of Mt. Bering 3) (not necessarily gnarly but...)Golden Arches, Index Upper Town Wall. gracias, Dwayner

Pope: Finally back in town after 31 hours of traveling hell....went straight from the airport to the closest recognizable vendor carrying the beloved and much-missed Mickey's Big Mouth....AAhhhhhhh!!!!! Got a week o'bidness in Montana coming up then it's climb-o-rama for much of the summer. What I be confessing????? uhhhh....I wish the Mickey's came in 8-packs!!!! love, Dwayner

Emmons Glacier on Rainier with Big Lou. Definitely. With a dazzling new variation which veers slightly over to the Winthrop and then back again. Can't wait for the summit high-fiving and if I'm really lucky, a big ole hug in down parkas! - Dwayner

Cap'n Dru! You be so wrong! Someday we'll all show up at the same time somewhere and it will be YOU who will be buying the beers, m´man! Sounds like you need a little conspiracy in your life...How about this: Big Lou=Billy Barty=Judy Garland. Got it out of your system now? And for those of you who are tired with the antics reported in Pope's Confessional, all I can say is... "Daddy, I'm bored!!! Will you buy me another new sports car for my birthday??? Please!!!!" Keep up the good work, Pope! It's generated four pages of well-needed conscience relief and occasional humor! And for those scoffers out there, we will definitely have to arrange a simultaneous appearance, eh Pope? with booze as the bet, and even bring DT-S if we can talk her into it. I'm gettin' thirsty just thinking about the possibilities! So here's to you, Mr. Dru....Goo-goo-ku-ju!!! your pal, Dwayner

Got a linguistic experiment for y'all, to see if and how a piece of jargon can be introduced into the climbing mileau. Here's the source of my inspiration. Believe it or not, a couple of nights ago I was a VIP at a Spanish beauty pageant (don't ask why..). It was quite spectacular. Loads of dramatic Vangelis music blasting from huge speakers while 50 dancing sea nymphs flittered about the stage and a fog machine spewed forth for several hours (last time I saw that much smoke, the Israeli army was bustin'-up a birthday party in East Jerusalem.). 14 girls aged sixteen to eighteen were gussied up to look like 30 year old burned-out American hookers, and there were more fireworks and explosions than a bad night in the upper Golan. (Never thought I'd watch a bathing suit competition and want the girls to put their clothes BACK ON!) Anyway, with my ringside seat at the stage and runway, I was well-entertained as various enthusiastic members of the audience yelled heartfelt, nearly hysterical cries of "guapa! guapa!" as each of the young ladies paraded by. (pronounced "gwa-pa" for you those of you not familiar with the Español, meaning beautiful/handsome). I started laughing my tail off and the people around me just assumed I was overcome with emotion like everyone else in the vicinity. So here's the plan...next time you're out at Exit 38, Vantage or some other sport-hell, and you see some poseur hanging off a bolt in a tight flaming lycra costume, miming a sequence, or doing the hair comb, give 'em a good old "guapa!!!" ("guapo" if it's a dude.) Say it like you mean it and let's see if the fresh faces from the climbing gyms diffuse the vocab. in the belief that it is some sort of new suave and continental addition to the terminology. (And it sounds even goofier than "Allez!") Can't wait to try it out; maybe I'll grab a sixer and hike up to Exit 38 when I get home. (Shaking your head with a tear in your eye and applauding with vigor can accompanying your shouts of praise for the full effect.) - Dwayner, still tired from the experience...The top Betty wasn't announced until 2 AM.

Alpine Thomas: Since you asked.... re: the number of croquet balls... I have an ol' climbing pal from my Southern Calif. youth, come up from L.A. every July to be my "pit crew". Same guy, every year. He sets up the wicket and ball every two to three miles along the side of the road. I run with the mallet, and if I'm successful in hitting the ball through, I am rewarded with sports drink (Gatorade - to stay on topic) and a fragment of PowerBar or bananner. If I miss, then I might be lookin' at a little thirst until the next set up but I usually jog in place and take a couple of swings until I get it through. My pit-man, world famous climber Denis Erectus, will occasionally set up "mystery wickets" in obnoxious locations with no treats to follow, the most annoying being on that nasty hill on the way up to Paradise just after the turn-off to Stevens Canyon above Narada Falls. He'll put one across the road on a slope forcing me to cross when I'm working hardest. In between, he sits in a lawn chair and reads a book, and afterwards, it's beer 'n babes at Cougar Rock campground and a couple of days of climbing. There it is, and I'm training for it now! (I've taken my mallet climbing a couple of times. Would like to round up a few jokers to play in the Rainer crater sometime.) See you at CAMROD/RAMROD! - DDDDDDDDDDDDDDwayner

Spray Lord, m'man...if only it were but a dream. I agree. I'm sick of reporting about this manipulative little vixen. The interest by others have fueled the updates so unless she chooses to contribute further, I'm in no mood to facilitate her personality cult. She's moving away. Let her annoy the hippies in Boulder. Maybe there's a climber bulletin board in Colorado she can spout off on. I will suggest to her that she doesn't have a ready audience for her aggressive male-bashing in the NW climbing community (even while the bashers seem to follow her around like flies to a dumptruck!) And you, too, Pope: don't encourage her obnoxious behavior by bringing her up in your posts either. Spray-Meister: the word will be passed on although I can't guarantee results, especially if people like you fuel her blabbering by calling her "rotten" whatever. (In general, it ain't terribly respectful to call people names like that unless you got some personal experience to back it up (so you went out with her too, eh????hey, hey!!) Your royal highness, King of All Spray, I'd think that you of all denizens of the Alpine Kingdom would be more tolerant of sprayicious verbage. As they say, if you don't like it, don't read it, but I agree, the mere name will likely bring me some bad memories. Carry on, oh Sprayatollah! - Dwayner P.S. You don't believe she's real, eh? I know Pope's got some tasty snaps somewhere, probably from his Cirque Expedition. Maybe he can post one sometime. (I hear he's got pictures of her girlfriend Erika changing out of her sports-bra.) I'll have to check. I think I have a few but they're group photos at a party and such, and non-climbing stuff. I suppose I could try and take a few more during the next couple days...although my efforts will probably be looked upon now with typical suspicion, especially after she reads this.....(dough!) I already caught hell for the last post!!!! Things ain't goin's so well! P.P.S.S. Did I mention that I can't guarantee results???

Here's my two cents worth as a long-distance feller.... - bananers....the king of fruit - lemon/lime gatorade diluted to 50% I find it's really an individual thing and requires a bit of experimentation as the excellent contributors above suggest. I tried some of the drinkage above plus Metrex etc. and found that good old Gatorade works best for me while I know others who can't stand the stuff. GOO, I feel, should be experimented with in a tame environment, because in some people, it will give them a relatively short buzz (which can be harmful if overexploited) and then a real hard crash! And then you need another sugar boost, etc. And if you're sensitive to caffeine, beware of using it (the caffeinated varieties) on your evening workout, or whatever, cause it might get you so wired you can't get to sleep! I carry a squeezer of it in my Camelback on long runs, etc. but try not to use it except as a last resort. I tried some of the Endurox capsules. They're expensive and I didn't really notice a difference but maybe they'll work for others. Mike Collins: When you do RAMROD, do you ever see the Croquet Guy running up the road to Paradise with the mallet and the race number that says CAMROD (Croquet Around Mt. Rainier in One Day) ? That's me, Dwayner. I do it every year. This year I'm aiming for Longmire to Paradise to Ohanapacosh. (Last year did Longmire to Paradise to the Park entrance). Anyway, just thought I'd add that bit of trivia since you mentioned RAMROD. Train hard...climb strong!!! - Dwayner P.S. Specialed, m'younga bruduh! What wid the drugs???? Them mushrooms I suppose be good if you want to do a big wall without leaving your living room, or if your favorite sport is stumbling over furniture and french-kissing your neighbor's poodle! Sounds like you need a little of the 'ol Gatorade yourself, m´friend!

Gee whiz, Wopper! Ouch! I said I agreed with HRH Lord Spray that the li'l missy was wearin' on me too! I seconded it myself! Come here, Wopper, now grab that mouse (the one attached to your computer) and scroll up a message or two. Read it again, please. Not so fast! Great!... Man oh man! I will let the girl know that her posts aren't wanted around here and that her alpine love epic ain't of interest to at least two people (and increasing three if you count me.) Can't guarantee results, though. So you think me n'Pope have multiple personalites and be one and the same, eh? So who was that belayin' me on Snow Creek Wall a coupla months ago.....damn, was it me???...wow! I musta been solo climbing!! Damn I'm good! And who was that who be encouraging me to ask people to say, "I'm a monkey boy!" up on Careno Crag etc. not so long ago. If it weren't Pope, it must have been me! And another bold solo! plus I be hearing voices! And caught myself in mid-air when I greased off that last pitch! Science defied! O.K., amigo Wopper, I'm sure you get the point. (By the way, why do they call you Wopper? Is it time to revive Big Lou, Jr?) As for Donna, Pope's got the scars (physical and emotional to show for it - I'm a lot tougher than that.) By the way, not to fuel your conspiracy theory, but Donna's not her real name. She ain't that stupid! Someday, we'll I'll step out of anonymity; we'll have our own Leavenworth rock fest and outing party and the silly guessing game will no longer be necessary. In the meantime, life goes on in Spain, where I'm counting the days until I can go home relax AND climb! shalom, Dwayner

Pope! You're a stinkin' idiot! You're full of more gossip than a jr. high slumber party. Dude, if there be a need for confessing, I'll do it myself. Although you got the humiliating outline of the story correct, I never said anything about Jerry Moffat or gambling which is are obvious elaborations on your part, which aren't that funny. Yah, she got dumped by the English guy (apparently a new and sufficiently traumatic experience) and she ended up here straight away, and I was a big old manipulated fool to cooperate in letting others think she was elsewhere, even with the odd sarcastic reply from my direction. It was lame. I was under her voodoo spell (and I'm typing this while she's crashing in the next room.) Guess what! Good news for all of us!! I was just told last night that she's moving to the People's Republic of Boulder in two weeks. Apparently it's job related. Hey Pope! Maybe you can help her move; I don't want to be around that scene anymore. Anyway, sorry about the temporary lack of propriety but Big Dwayner wasn't doing the thinking. Perhaps justice is being served as there ain't anything to climb around here but sport routes!! Also left Donna at the hotel to attend a beauty pageant but that's another story altogether. - Big Dwayner P.S. Donna is banned from using my "company" computer. If she´s gonna read this, she'll have to go to the local "internet cafe" and frankly I don't care. It's old news anyway. Pope, she's all yours! Maybe you can charm her into moving back in with you in your Mom's basement!

!"·$%& [This message has been edited by Dwayner (edited 06-23-2001).]

I betcha he's a sport climber and climbs at Exit 38. A trad climber would have crawled through the order window, made his own damn chalupa, mop up the spilled shreaded lettuce and cheese, thank the staff and leave a tip. The employees would all applaud and eagerly await his legendary return.

Brothers in spray....I was a political science/international relations major as an undergraduate and switched fields in graduate school to get away from this sort of go-nowhere polemical sprayathon. Yah, Pope started it with the hippy thing (and I tried to redirect it toward climbing hippies in particular but then ended up popping off about those clueless WTO pseudo-protestors, so I suppose I contributed to the problem. I've had enough. Especially after it provoked Marx, Trotsky and historical and dialectical materialism. By the way, I´ve read the above (plus Mao, etc.) and found them to be boorish (and boring), limited in perspective and naive in their attempts to explain history in the past, present and future. In my opinion, such thinking has inspired more death and mayhem in this world than even capitalism which is guilty of its own share. Now see....ya gotta me started again!!!....How about directing this post to the topic we all know and love....CLIMBING HIPPIES....Politics and religion? save the topic for when I get the US Congress to pass a nationwide anti-bolting bill. love, Dwayner P.S. Nixon in 2004!!! (he still alive?)