Jman Posted September 1, 2001 Posted September 1, 2001 Beck, we want more... but I think it should now include some animation. Quote
Jman Posted September 3, 2001 Posted September 3, 2001 His other cheating snafflehounds must have blackmailed him because they're posted all over the web. Just do a search under his name... Quote
Beck Posted September 4, 2001 Author Posted September 4, 2001 ...After dring off from Teddy's lil' golden shower I get in position to lead the terrible traverse over to the base of the detached summit gendarmes. The Traverse line follows a sloping ramp that dwindles to rough gravel atop a 4 inch lip of fractous, loose rock topped withgravel and wet from wall seep. Wet gravel on a four inch ledge, terrific! This was going to be a doozy. Â I feel the need to state the obvious."Okay, Teddy. I'm going to want real tight line handling across this traverse. It looks deathly,dangerous and exposed. You think you can keep good tension on the belay?" Teddy looks up from beneath his walkman earphones which are blaring some Iron Butterfly. "Huh? Oh sure, whatever you say..." and goes back to some headbanging. Well, best to send this one quick, the quicker the better. I look back and see Teddy minding the line so I step out onto the traverse... and promptly get held back and stopped about 8 feet onto the ledge. It's my rope! I give it a couple quick tugs but it's caught tight on something. With difficulity I turn around to spot the snag and see Teddy at the belay, stitch plate tied off as he wails a mean round of air guitar on the belay ledge. I have to scream to get him to notice me. "Teddy! Teddy! You F---, what the hell do you think you're doing?" Teddy removes his earphones and nonchalantly replies, "Well, you DID say tight line handling, dude. I was just doing what you said." Â "Teddy, tight doesn't mean TIED OFF! Get with the belay and man it!Let's get up,get on top and get off!" I felt a strange tingle below my belt akin to spying on your older sister's slumber party. "Get up, get on top and get off? Roger" echoed Teddy. To hear him say those words sent all the blood out of my brain and engorged my member, it almost got strangled in my harness and caused me to go faint with desire... Â Quote
Beck Posted September 5, 2001 Author Posted September 5, 2001 ...The rest of the traverse was a series of moments of terror with Teddy jerking on the rope in his attempt to keep tension on the belay. Boy, do I wish Teddy'd get his shit togther and climb like he was earlier, I thought to myself.He seems to be overcompensating with coolness. I wonder if he's a little bit on edge about something... It was then I noticed dark clouds moving in quickly from the West. Tall ones too, Cumulonimbus by the looks of them. When I look back across the ledge to see if teddy's began the traverse, I see Teddy, waving his arms in those strange circles like he was at the base of the gully. His head is swivelling nervously back and forth, and his eyes start rolling back under his eyelids. "Teddy! Teddy! It's okay, nothing but a little rain. We're only eighty feet to the top, you can make it!" I shout out. Â Teddy can barely get out a squeak. "Hold me!" He looks like he's a jello mold at the church picnic getting attacked by the woman's auxillary. Obviously he's worried about something... Â Quote
Beck Posted September 5, 2001 Author Posted September 5, 2001 ... repeat post, sorry [This message has been edited by Beck (edited 09-05-2001).] Quote
Beck Posted September 6, 2001 Author Posted September 6, 2001 ... Teddy's agitation and nervousness continued. He's doing that nervous twichy thing with his arms, spouting out things like "I'm Teddy, hold me!" and "Teddy' not scared of the dark". Â I'm going to have to do something drastic. "Teddy! Snap out of it! You're as spineless as a jellyfish in theSargaso Sea! You look weaker than a wet paper towel!" I'm hoping this will snap him out of it."Teddy, you're WORTHLESS AND WEAK! Now, get over here now!!" It was then that the first few drops of rain began to fall.. Quote
Beck Posted September 12, 2001 Author Posted September 12, 2001 ...This was the catalyst that brought on the disaster on She's GGonna Blow! It was the rain- as soon as the first drops penetrated that sexy sheen of coconut oil Teddy, man, he FREAKED OUT, doing this totally frenetic spazz and just flails himself backwards off the ledge. I hear him call out "Teddy need hug! Whaaa!" as he drops out of sight. I desperately brace for the impact. I had enough time to get the stitch snug up on the anchor 'biner, the impact still popped a bolt out of the spread that whacked me in the kevlar falsies but good, it cracked the left tit cap all the way through the kevlar layup, that's how much force he fell with. I holler down below "Teddy, Teddy, I'll give you that hug!" and get no response. Oh, Teddy, gosh how I love that Bear!!! My heart pains to feel his dead weight on the end of the rope- "Teddy, I'm coming down! Just hang in there!" I tie off the belay and toss slings over some chicken heads to set up a second set of belay anchors, then connect the two stations togther with my cordalette... I've got to get down to Teddy quickly, quite possible he's injured and every second counts. I tie off our rap line to to the new equalized anchor collection point, check to make sure I've got my Purcell prussiks, first aid kit and a bottle of Coconut Oil, then rap down the line towards Teddy R.... Â Quote
Beck Posted September 19, 2001 Author Posted September 19, 2001 ...The storm continues to drop hail and rain as I rappel quickly down to Teddy. As I approach I can see him slobbering and jerking around on the end of his rope like a spazz weightlifter jacked on steroids. I can see his eyes rolled back under the lids and he's muttering, "Teddy need Mommy" over and over. It's tough to keep the tears back as I break out the first aid kit and my Pocketrocket. The stove. "Teddy, Teddy, it's okay, your Momm's here. Let's get you all warmed up and fluffed out and everything'll be okay." I try to sooth him by rubbing his furry brow, then fire up the stove in an attempt to dry Teddy out. The drying proccess is going pretty good until I have to dry out his under regions. I've been working him over the stove, back and forth, keeping him far enough away from the flame I don't singe him. When I tip his ass towards me to work on his rear...man, it was like Larry Flynt having lunch with Gypsy Rose Lee... I got distracted and singed his ass hairs but good! I break out the coconut oil and start massaging his backside in a vain attempt to cover up the damage I've done to his fur, but the burning hair smell revives Teddy from his delirium right qiuck. " Wha.. what the h___ you doing back there? Are you some kinda perv, dude? Get your mitts off me!" "Bu..bu..but Teddy, I was just trying to get you all oiled up to protect against the rain!" I manage to stammer out but Teddy doesn't buy it. "Bu..but nothing, dude, you were MASSAGING MY ASS" he yelps out and takes off like a bolt of lighting to the ledge. "Teddy, oh, Teddy, I was just trying to help!" escapes my lips but is lost in the howl of the storm... Â Â Quote
Dru Posted September 19, 2001 Posted September 19, 2001 Maybe this story should be changed to the adventures of pope and donna top step in the danger zone? Quote
Beck Posted September 21, 2001 Author Posted September 21, 2001 ...Ice and hail pelt my helmet as my eyes search upward for any sign of Teddy. I can just make him out, climbing furiously, and I see him make toe entry step into the broken aretes that form the summit block. I cry out to him, to no avail. "Teddy, oh, Teddy, I was administering first aid! If you were hypothermic I'd have to spoon with you in a sleeping bag to rewarm!" Perverted images of me and Teddy in a high alpine 69 gave me a sudden rush, but trying to communicate with Teddy just then was like trying to reach Helen Keller on the telephone The storm ceases as suddenly as it began and the clouds broke to skies of azure blue. I set up a prussik self belay and begin reclimbing as Teddy free solos the last 80 feet and summits. As I begin body jamming amongst the summit pillars Teddy raps down to my level. I'm half expecting him to sock me good or give me a chewing out. I'm as nervous as a doghandler at the Westchester Kennel Club. Imagine my suprise when he stops mid-rappel, pendeulum steps his way over to me and plants a huge kiss smack dab om my mouth! I nearly lose my stance, what with my legs buckling and my heart pitter-pattering. "Teddy, Im so..so... flattered!" I exclaim. "Oh my goodnes, I'm quivering with excitement!" Teddy may have been out to break my heart, though. Without another word he gives me a huge grin and a wink, then zips off down his rapline out off sight below. I brace for a couple minutes to allow the tingling sensations to leave my crotch and climb to the summit. When I top out I find a Hershey's kiss and a note. My heart leapt and a tear rolled off my cheek as I read the few words awkwardly scrawled on the back of a scrap of a topo. It read: Â Someday I want to spoon with you on a summit without a care in the world. LOVE, Â Teddy. My gosh, I swooned like a housewife running into Tom Jones at the post office and nearly fell off the summit. I hastily set up for the rappel but never saw Teddy for the remainder of the trip. That bastard left me heartbroken and stranded at the trailhead, but I'll still be his climbing bitch any time. I think I love you, Teddy Ruxpin! THE END (finally!) Â Quote
Dru Posted September 21, 2001 Posted September 21, 2001 quote: Originally posted by Beck: THE END (finally!) Â Thank God!! Â Quote
jon Posted September 21, 2001 Posted September 21, 2001 Everyone here is now stupider after reading that. Quote
Dru Posted September 22, 2001 Posted September 22, 2001 Teddy Ruxpin was a bear Teddy Ruxpin had no hair Teddy Ruxpin didn't care Cause Teddy was a Dukho-bear You guys never head Sons of Freedom going in WA did you? Quote
Beck Posted September 22, 2001 Author Posted September 22, 2001 Thanks, Jon, I just needed to get it off my chest. Need more room for my kevlar falsies. Quote
Dechristo Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 The freakin' bear musta lapped too much anti-freeze off the highway. Quote
thelawgoddess Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 The freakin' bear musta lapped too much anti-freeze off the highway. dude. wtf? this thread is like 4 years old!!! Quote
Dechristo Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 I must have wandered down the wrong aisle. Quote
sobo Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 dude. wtf? this thread is like 4 years old!!! Â Hey, it's all the rage... Â click Quote
Greta Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 Thanks E. Dont know how I missed that back in August, but thats some pretty creative shit. Is this Becks signature piece, or does he have better? It'd be a damn shame if this is all it takes to get a fella banned. Quote
Dru Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 There was a longer story thread that Will Strickland started that first introduced Teddy. Quote
catbirdseat Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 So has anyone seen Mike Beck lately? Is he still around Seattle? Quote
Kitergal Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 Wow...I will never get those 20 minutes of my life back.... Quote
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