How to get a teenage kid of the couch?

[Gary_Yngve]

Is he being bullied in school?

 

Are there other people in school like him? (sons of immigrants?)

[ketch]

Oleg, I would concur with most of the stuff stated about positive reinforcement and personal choice. My own story goes... I was pretty much the same when I was a kid. A teacher (my parents didn't see it) pointed out that I was actually bored with much of what was being presented to me (didn't you say he was a bright kid?) So they found something that I was interested in doing that I was excited about. My parents cut me a deal if I kept up on their expectations -I already knew what they were- then I could pursue my own thing with their blessing. It wasn't until I was all growed up that I realized they were forceing me to take responsibilty for my own actions.

 

On a related note you may look into some of the learning style stuff that is out there. I like Cindy Tobias's stuff but most any of it has some relation to life outside just learning.

[foraker]

this way, you've set some boundaries but you're giving him a choice. you're also opening the door to trying more new things.

 

This is the better version "If you don't have anything to do, I'll find something to keep you busy".

[catbirdseat]

my parents had one simple rule when almost all of my life. i had to have an afterschool activity year round. it didn't matter what it was, if it changed season to season. i just had to have a regular activity. there could be more than one but at least one. didn't matter if it was playing an instrument, swimming, chess, school sport, art class, etc.

 

some of those may not sound very exciting to you but they'll get him out of the house. they're not all going to get him fit and athletic but maybe he's more of a creative sort. any organized activity will provide structure and new friends.

 

this way, you've set some boundaries but you're giving him a choice. you're also opening the door to trying more new things.

This is one thing we did right with our kids. We put them in swimming at an early age and they swam competitively through their teens. Neither of them swim anymore, but the discipline and goal setting they learned in swimming they now apply to other activities with which they are involved.

[OlegV]

We are not strict parents and he has freedom of choice - we'd sponsor anything he wants (but stupid stuff). So far, it's rock music (probably because his friends are interested in it). He has 2 guitars sitting in his room, a potential guitar teacher and tons of lyrics - hasn't been touched yet.

 

How do you approach a kid whose world is narrowing in front of your eyes? And I am not a pessimist in my nature (I wouldn't climb the mountain if I was).

[DirtyHarry]

Take away all his shit and make him get a job.

[minx]

We are not strict parents and he has freedom of choice - we'd sponsor anything he wants (but stupid stuff). So far, it's rock music (probably because his friends are interested in it). He has 2 guitars sitting in his room, a potential guitar teacher and tons of lyrics - hasn't been touched yet.

 

How do you approach a kid whose world is narrowing in front of your eyes? And I am not a pessimist in my nature (I wouldn't climb the mountain if I was).

 

sign him up for the guitar lessons and insist he goes and practices a minimal amount of time. tell him if he doesn't like that activity to pick a new one.

[foraker]

How about a exhange student stint in a third world country? Knock his perspective around a bit.

[OlegV]

We moved to the PNW from NYC a couple of years ago with the idea that things would go better for all of us. I had this weird image, that great outdoor should cure our relationship. Instead, we are now buried in the deep Portland suburbia with majority people not interested in anything but mowing their grass. I can see, how one’s world could shrink.

[OlegV]

How about a exhange student stint in a third world country? Knock his perspective around a bit.

 

Does this program exist? It is an idea.

[OlegV]

Take away all his shit and make him get a job.

I agree

[jmace]

So far, it's rock music ( probably because his friends are interested in it ).

 

You got it man, thats why its a good idea at an early age to introduce kids to sports and such so that their friend base is composed of folks who like to do shit. New parents take head!

 

I had one rule as a kid, No hanging out If i phoned moms and said I was going to the mall to hang out, no way to a frineds house to hang out no way, to frineds house to skate board play soccer..fine check in in two hours if I was late checking in i had to check in in one hour, didnt check in then it was straight home!

 

Sounds like your boy doesnt mind being at home, lay out some rules if your at home during such and such time and your not doing anything then you will decide what he does or he can play his guitar..pretty soon it becomes apparent that doing nothing is not going to fly

 

lay out some rules with out being an ass, " I would like you to reduce the amount of time you hang out doing nothng, we can either do something together or you can tell me what your going to do and if its not somethng productive I will decide for you.

 

Good luck man, do it now before its too late and all the friends he has are lame ass's

[DirtyHarry]

How about a exhange student stint in a third world country? Knock his perspective around a bit.

 

Does this program exist? It is an idea.

 

Send him to live with Distel.

[foraker]

www.afs.org, but I don't think they have too many 3rd world countries on the list.

[cj001f]

Does this program exist? It is an idea.

Yeah, a plane ticket to delhi and $1k.

[Gary_Yngve]

What this kid has is NOT clinical depression.

 

Maybe, maybe not.

 

When I was 19, I had no idea that my 15-yo brother could have been depressed until I got a call one night that he was dead.

[sitandbefit]

I grew up in Wyoming so maybe this is skewed. We do have one of the highest per capita meth usages in the town I grew up in. Every kid that I knew in high school that amounted to anything other than a tweaker spent the summers in NOLS or on an oil rig. I did the oil rig. I think hard work changes you. Boosts your self-confidence, teaches you about what difficulty really is (high school, not difficult; working a 12 hour shift 7 days a week, difficult). I would vote for NOLS as there is less of a chance of losing your arm or falling out of a derrick. Plus with NOLS you don't end up with a shitload of money in your bank account which is a recipe for disaster when you are 16.

[archenemy]

Has he/you been back to Russia (I think that is where you said you emmigrated from--forgive me if I remembered incorrectly) to see and maybe connect with his heritage a bit?

 

I am also the child of immigrants--the first one in my family to be born in America. When I was 15 I went to Denmark, went to school there, met more of my family, etc. It had quite an impact on me. I actually felt like I fit in somewhere, something that I had not experienced before (I also grew up w/o TV and friends). The 3rd world thing is a heck of an idea, but he might feel just as alienated there as he does here. But then, at 15, we all felt alienated from something.

 

Good luck to you both.

[olyclimber]

Has he/you been back to Russia (I think that is where you said you emmigrated from--forgive me if I remembered incorrectly) to see and maybe connect with his heritage a bit?

 

I am also the child of immigrants--the first one in my family to be born in America. When I was 15 I went to Denmark, went to school there, met more of my family, etc. It had quite an impact on me. I actually felt like I fit in somewhere, something that I had not experienced before (I also grew up w/o TV and friends). The 3rd world thing is a heck of an idea, but he might feel just as alienated there as he does here. But then, at 15, we all felt alienated from something.

 

Good luck to you both.

 

Best idea yet, IMO.

[icegirl]

Early on I was raised without TV and "pop" culture, hadn't heard rock music until Jr. Highschool, first album was The Cars, heartbreak city. In place of that was immersed in all sorts of other things, raising and showing horses, ballet, classical music, apprenticed to a woodworker who made thousand dollar handmade spinning wheels starting with the tree (scratch), getting good grades, etc... What I found was that by the time I reached jr high/highschool I was SO profoundly 'different' from the rest of the kids (I didn't know who rick springfield was) that I stood out like a sore thumb. I think this happens also to kids who are brought up "priviledged" when they get to travel and experience many things, they again are very "different" from their peers and all they want to do is fit in... desperately. The best thing i think for me was getting involved in after school sports (just like minx) it was hard, cause we lived in the middle of nowhere, and i had to drive myself home (or bum a ride from a friend) but it forced me to interact with students that generally wouldn't give me the time of day cause they thought i was "weird", but here I was doing something that was in their eyes "normal" and therefore maybe a bit okay. It's also harder to be a jerk (and hide from the jerks) when you are on the playing field.

 

15 is a really really hard age. Often times the kid doesn't even know what's bugging him. My dad had a good way of dealing with this... He'd just talk to me. He figured if I was acting 'off' there was obviously something bothering me, so he'd gently try to find out what that was and talk about it. Sometime he'd just ask point blank. "You're driving me nuts, what's going on?!" (he's a psychiatrist)

 

if your son was a caring neat kid early on, and has only recently changed, then more than likely it's just a phase and you probably don't need to worry too much. I asked my dad once what I was like when i was little (teens aside)... he replied: "you were pretty much the same person then that you are now". I'm hoping he was referring to my baseline personality, and not my maturity

[OlegV]

Has he/you been back to Russia (I think that is where you said you emmigrated from--forgive me if I remembered incorrectly) to see and maybe connect with his heritage a bit?

 

I am also the child of immigrants--the first one in my family to be born in America. When I was 15 I went to Denmark, went to school there, met more of my family, etc. It had quite an impact on me. I actually felt like I fit in somewhere, something that I had not experienced before (I also grew up w/o TV and friends). The 3rd world thing is a heck of an idea, but he might feel just as alienated there as he does here. But then, at 15, we all felt alienated from something.

 

Good luck to you both.

 

Yes, he's been to mother Russia a few times. He feels strong bonds with his grandparents, but he'd never live there. For him, it's a foreign country. You have the point though - having tons of relatives nearby helps!

[archenemy]

Has he/you been back to Russia (I think that is where you said you emmigrated from--forgive me if I remembered incorrectly) to see and maybe connect with his heritage a bit?

 

I am also the child of immigrants--the first one in my family to be born in America. When I was 15 I went to Denmark, went to school there, met more of my family, etc. It had quite an impact on me. I actually felt like I fit in somewhere, something that I had not experienced before (I also grew up w/o TV and friends). The 3rd world thing is a heck of an idea, but he might feel just as alienated there as he does here. But then, at 15, we all felt alienated from something.

 

Good luck to you both.

 

Yes, he's been to mother Russia a few times. He feels strong bonds with his grandparents, but he'd never live there. For him, it's a foreign country. You have the point though - having tons of relatives nearby helps!

Oh, he'd live there. He can't get back until you bring him back.

[Stefan]

Oleg,

 

You want him motivated and in the outdoors? Here is the answer. I was the same type of dude at that age.

 

The answer: Northwest Youth Corps. It was run out Eugene, OR when I was there. What is it? The teenagers all work in the forest when I was there. What did we do? We did trail maintenance. We cleaned up after logging companies. We did something called vexar tubing (to keep the animals from eating new trees). It was a 5 week course. You could sign up for more. But mostly in the summer. Everyone is a teenager but the crew chief and they were typically college students. You sleep in a tent, wake up, do hard work for 8-10 hours, then you go back to your camp. Only on weekends did we shower at campgrounds. We never went home. Sometimes the parents showed up on weekends. Sometimes they didn't. By the way, Northwest Youth Corps is a paying job - not volunteer.

 

Another thing. I wonder if he is thinking about a car? Show him how to get the money for the car. Show him your insurance. Maybe he needs a job for the car?

 

Another thing. You are doing more than you know.

[icegirl]

heheh... Spend a summer in Russia...

 

He'll come back drinking vodka and swearing in russian

 

Take him on a trip to cambodia and then encourage him to volunteer at a prosthetics lab...

[tivoli_mike]

O would agree about getting into some volunteer type activities. I was a Red Cross volunteer in a hospital during the summers when I was 13 and 15. The feeling of belonging, responsbility ( I ran lab samples around ), and just being away from my other social groups ( family, friends, school) was very helpful.

 

It may also be the kid doesn't want to outside stuff because he associates it with "death marches with dad". Feel him out for what he wants to do.

 

I would also avoid pushing him down the " get a job to pay for a car so I can drive around and hang out and buy stuff" . He can spend his adult life doing that. Volunteer work at other places , away from his peer groups, is probably going to encourage more personal growth than anything.