Religious jokes

[knotzen]

So, two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"

And so they did.

As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"

And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"

[underworld]

Three nuns are sitting on a park bench.

A flasher suddenly appears and flashes them all.

The first nun, appalled and shocked has a stroke.

The second nun, also has a stroke and passes out.

The third nun, couldn't reach.

[ScottP]

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

 

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Manischewitz wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink from this fine bottle of wine and celebrate our good fortune."

 

Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a long pull, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.

 

The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

 

The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

[k2glfpro]

I know there's a god because SOMEBODY'S out to get me!

[knotzen]

Hey, K2, ever feel like somebody's out to get you?

[Dechristo]

This is GOD. I have my finger poised over the "Smite" button.

[knotzen]

God's a skeleton?! No wonder he's so weak and ineffectual.

 

Go ahead, smite me. Make my day.

[knotzen]

That was K2's first ever post on cc.com. Sweet! So he can't blame us if we think him a wee bit paranoid.

[k2glfpro]

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean nobody is out to get you!

 

Make that two posts. :-)

[Dechristo]

God's a skeleton?! No wonder he's so weak and ineffectual.

No, that's just a promo ad for a diet plan available here in the nether regions. I have it pinned up on my refrigerator, too, as an incentive to lose the few thousand tons I've picked up over the last fifteen billion years (since I lit the nuclear cherry bomb that started the universe you breath in). WTF? Skinny is the latest thing with your culture.

 

Remember, "skinny dudes fight 'till they're burger". Me and a few of the others [you know, Jesus ("Josh"), Buddha (we call him "Bohdi"), Phil Hartman ("Jizz"), Ghandi (he likes to be called "MyHotMan"), Sister Theresa (Terry knows how to party) & her sidekick Gilda Radner ("Twisted Sista"), Paramahansa Yogananda ("Bro") and a bunch of other freaks] like to watch and quote lines from Fight Club. If we want a good laugh we watch It's A Wonderful Life.

 

Go ahead, smite me. Make my day.

First, Clint Eastwood... and now you. Just wait 'till you come over to this side. We're all gonna pin you down and give you a "pink belly" until you're yellin' "I'm smitten! I'm smitten! IIIIII'mmmm SMITTENNNNNN!"

[Dechristo]

Chap's Granny dies and finds herself at the pearly gates. St. Pete welcomes her in and proceeds to give her a tour to acquaint her with her new surroundings. Granny notices a vast area in a side direction that is filled with enormous clocks.

 

"Hey, Pete. What's with all those clocks over there?"

 

"Well, Granny, those clocks are actually metering devices. There's a clock for each person on Earth. Every time a person masturbates, the minute-hand moves one tick. Don't worry, Granny, your clock, didn't show any more hours than most clocks."

 

Granny, relieved of her own embarrasment, suddenly thinks of her beloved Grandson.

 

"Pete, where's my little Chappy's clock?"

 

"Uh..., Granny, it's in the Main Square... we use it for a fan."

[TREETOAD]

A Nun is walking along a park trail one evening. Suddenly she is grabbed from behind and dragged off into the bush by a strange man and raped. As he is getting up the strange man says to the nun. "What will you tell your sister superior now?" Still laying on the ground the nun answers, "I will tell her the truth, I will say that I was walking in the park and was grabbed from benind and raped twice, unless you are tired."

[Dechristo]

I'll bet if you or someone you cared about was raped repeatedly, you'd find a different joke.

[googlebot]

Here is a joke I ran across cataloging another website. This job is getting old.

 

"Q: How do you stop bacon from curling in the frying pan?

 

A: Take away their brooms!"

[TREETOAD]

My horse was raped in Enumclaw

[TREETOAD]

Have you heard about he Russian that went off in the bush with a couple of yanks?

[knotzen]

God's a skeleton?! No wonder he's so weak and ineffectual.

No, that's just a promo ad for a diet plan available here in the nether regions. I have it pinned up on my refrigerator, too, as an incentive to lose the few thousand tons I've picked up over the last fifteen billion years (since I lit the nuclear cherry bomb that started the universe you breath in). WTF? Skinny is the latest thing with your culture.

 

Remember, "skinny dudes fight 'till they're burger". Me and a few of the others [you know, Jesus ("Josh"), Buddha (we call him "Bohdi"), Phil Hartman ("Jizz"), Ghandi (he likes to be called "MyHotMan"), Sister Theresa (Terry knows how to party) & her sidekick Gilda Radner ("Twisted Sista"), Paramahansa Yogananda ("Bro") and a bunch of other freaks] like to watch and quote lines from Fight Club. If we want a good laugh we watch It's A Wonderful Life.

 

Go ahead, smite me. Make my day.

First, Clint Eastwood... and now you. Just wait 'till you come over to this side. We're all gonna pin you down and give you a "pink belly" until you're yellin' "I'm smitten! I'm smitten! IIIIII'mmmm SMITTENNNNNN!"

 

[fenderfour]

Canada - America's hat

 

we're the ones on top - replace management with Canada, etc.

 

 

F_cking weak. try again

[fenderfour]

Dru, Archenemy, and Alpinfox are involved in a catastrophic climbing accident and arrive in the afterlife together. It's not quite what any of them expected, a bright white room with a garage door at one end.

 

As they are trying to get their bearings a huge voice booms out "You have died and this is the time of your judgment. I will weigh the good that you did in life against the bad and set your fate for eternity"

 

Suddenly, the garage door rolls open. Standing before the three is a woman that looks something like Lou Ferigno. The voice speaks again "Alpinfox, you have sinned. To absolve these transgressions, you will spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman, fulfilling her every wish." Alpinfox goes quietly to his fate.

 

The other two are getting nervous, knowing that Alpinfox was by far the kindest of them.

 

The garage door rolls open again, and standing there is a huge amorphous ape of a humanoid. It's difficult to tell if it is male or female.

 

The voice booms out again "Archenemy, you are among the most evil of all, and for this, you will spend the rest of eternity in bed with this creature, submitting to it's every whim". Upon seeing this, Archenemy panics and makes a break for the door, only to be carried back in by demonic beings.

 

By this time, Dru is terrified. He has no idea what is in store for him. There is no escaping his fate. The garage door opens a third time to reveal Annabelle Bond looking rather bewildered.

 

The voices booms over the scene once more "Annabelle, you have sinned…"

[Off_White]

A nun catches a ride in a taxi. As the taxi is going along, the nun notices that the cab driver keeps looking at her in the rearview mirror.

 

She says, "What is it my son?"

 

The cabbie replies, "Oh, I'm too embarrassed to say, sister."

 

She says, "Please, feel free to say anything, I've been a nun for many years and not too many things surprise me anymore."

 

The cabbie says, "Well, I've always had this fantasy of getting a blow job from a nun. I'm sorry sister, I feel so ashamed."

 

"That's OK my son, I know well the needs of the flesh. I will do it on two conditions: one, that you are Catholic and two, that you are not married."

 

The cabbie says, "Yes on both conditions!" So they drive around the corner to a spot where the nun takes care of the cabbie.

 

As they continue on their way, the nun notices the cabbie is crying.

 

She says, "What's wrong, my son?"

 

He says, "Sister, I lied. I'm Jewish and I'm married!"

 

She says, "That's okay. My name's Steve and I'm on my way to a costume party!"

[knotzen]

Fenderfour dies in a tragic spraying accident, and ends up in Hell. Satan welcomes him, and says, “Just as on the Price is Right, you have three doors to choose from; your choice determines how you will spend eternity. As each door is revealed, if you choose what is behind that door, you will never know what might have been behind the next door.”

 

Fenderfour says, “Sure, OK, man, let’s get on with it.”

 

Satan opens Door Number 1, to reveal people walking on a spiked floor. Their feet are bloody, and they cry in anguish.

 

“Shit, that looks painful. I couldn’t do that,” says Fenderfour. “What’s next?”

 

Satan closes the door and opens Door Number 2, to reveal people with lifeless legs crawling on a spiked floor. They are covered in blood and screaming with pain.

 

“Oh my God,” says Fenderfour. “That’s horrendous. I couldn’t put up with that kind of pain for all eternity! I’ll have to go to the next door,” wondering if his fate could be even worse.

 

Satan closes the door, and finally, opens Door Number 3. Fenderfour sees people standing around in two feet of shit, drinking coffee and eating donuts.

 

“Well, says Fenderfour, “this is gross, but not painful. Hey, this ain’t too bad at all. Whew. I got lucky.”

 

“Fine,” says Satan. “In you go.”

 

And then Satan yells to the room, “All right, everyone, coffee break’s over. Back on your heads!”

[ChrisT]

Off_White can you tell the Ghandi story again? please? pretty please? I'm terrible at remembering jokes.

[archenemy]

The garage door rolls open again, and standing there is a huge amorphous ape of a humanoid. It's difficult to tell if it is male or female.

 

"Archenemy, you are among the most evil of all, and for this, you will spend the rest of eternity in bed with this creature, submitting to it's every whim". Upon seeing this, Archenemy panics and makes a break for the door, only to be carried back in by demonic beings.

 

Not funny.

This is an accurate description of my relationships with men.

[Off_White]

Okay ChrisT, here you go: (Hey, doesn't your name count as a religious joke?)

 

OK, so everyone knows Gandhi walked the plains of India for years, but few

know that he rarely wore shoes - this, of course, left him with blistered,

toughened feet after years of such abuse. Most also know that he was a

strict vegetarian and that, especially in his later years, his diet left him

in a weakened state more often than not. And another thing that few people

even think about is that, given the relatively poor dental hygiene practices

in India at the time, Gandhi also had chronic bad breath. All of which

combined to make him.........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.....you ready???......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

[fenderfour]

Fenderfour is being walked through hell by Saint Peter in an effort to curb his iniquitous behavior. He sees Alpinfox up to his waist in shit.

 

"Jesus, that's terrible! I hope that doesn't happen to me."

 

Saint Peter keeps FF moving through the area. The happen upon Archenemy, shoulder deep in shit.

 

"That's a hard way to spend eternity, but if anybody deserves it, Archenemy does." FF comments.

 

A few yards past Archenemy, Fenderfour sees Dru up to his neck in shit.

 

"Man, that sucks" said Fenderfour

 

"Don't worry about me," replies Dru, "I'm on Knotzen's shoulders"