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Posted

After a romantic dinner and too many bottles of wine, Longpause, Cook, adn I decided that the song does not actually have 50 ways to leave your lover and as a result, compiled a list of legitimate ways to leave your lover (Kindly remember that we were sufficiently snockered):

1. Lasso a new one Newman

2. Leave Steve

3. Kill 'em Migellen

4. Pop one off Geoff

5. Get yourself clear, Mirra

6. Hop on the horse Morris

7. Take a hike Mike

8. Jump out the window Melinda

9. Buy a slave Dave

10. Pretend to take a piss Liz

11. Bury her under a hill phil

12. Use the bat Kat

13. Let them be eaten by rats Matt

14. Smother them with your butt Russ

15. Lose her in the mosh pit josh

16. pretend your names Persephone, Stephanie

17. Send her to hell, Thelma

18. Know when to say when Gwen

19. Just try to evade her Darth Vader

20. Bite her in the leg Craig

21. Give her scabies baby

22. Give her giardia, Gerard

23. Keep on your pants constance

24. Get a new job Rob

25. Live in your van Dan

26. Poo in front of your man Lou

27. Get a new writer Gary Snyder

28. Don't be true Lou

29. Ride off ona blue steed Lou Reed

30. you don't need to do much right now Adam

31. Let her fly Tighe

32. Send him to his death Elizabeth

33. Stangle him with a hose rose

34. Take lots of meth Elizabeth

35. Don't give a damn Sam

36. Sleep with all the rest Elizabeth

37. Make her trip and fall Charles de Gaulle

38. Push in front of a train Wayne

39. Take her to the faggery Greogory

40. Hit her with a tube Betty big Boobs

41. Hit her with an egg Meg

42. Stab her in the face Mace

43. Send her in a space ship Kip

44. Go live with the dinosauras Laura

45. Slap her with a fish Mitch

46. Make a bad belay Ray

47. Give her some elderberry wine Lineus

48. Stab her inthe heart Mark

49. Give her some ether Esther

50. Get ona bike Mike, and just peddle away

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Posted

# 20 is for you Gyselinck

# 19 is for you Darth Vader

 

Layton, that was a good one. I met you the other day at Lyger's bigdrink.gif. We should drink again sometime bigdrink.gif

 

#52 Bury her in the grain Wayne

Posted

Cook, i've begun without you. bigdrink.gifbigdrink.gifbigdrink.gif

 

 

here is a list i found of 33 ways to impress your lover. i once saw a list of 50, but can't seem to find it.

1. Hot Lunch - While receiving head from a woman, you proceed

 

to shit on her chest. (A.k.a. the Cleveland Steamer)

 

2. The Stranger - Sitting on your hand until it falls asleep

 

and then jerking off, eliciting the feeling of a hand job from someone else.

 

3. Western Grip- When jerking off, turn your hand around, so

 

that your thumb is facing towards you. It is the same grip that rodeo folks use. Hence, western.

 

4. The Blumpkin- You need to find a real tramp to do this

 

right. It involves having her sucking you off while you are on the shitter.

 

5. Donkey Punch - Banging a girl doggy style and then moments

 

before you cum, sticking your dick in her ass, and then punching her in the

 

back of the head. This gives a tremendous sensation, but for it to work correctly,

 

the girl must be knocked out so that her asshole tightens up.

 

6. Golden Shower - Any form of pissing all over a chick (a.k.a.- watersports)

 

7. Pearl Necklace - Well known. Whenever you cum on the

 

neck/cleavage area of a girl - it takes on the look of beautiful jewelry.

 

8. Coyote - This occurs when you wake up in the room of a nasty

 

wombat and you know you've got to give her the slip. However,

 

you realize that your arm is wrapped around her. Therefore you must

 

gnaw off your own arm to get out of the situation. Can be very painful.

 

9. Purple Mushroom - This occurs when a woman is giving you

 

oral sex and you withdraw your penis in order to poke it back into her cheek.

 

It should leave a lasting impression similar to purple mushroom.

 

10. The Flying Camel - A personal favorite. As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees, you carefully balance yourself without using your arms to prop yourself up. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long, shrieking howl, much like a coyote. Strictly a class move.

 

11. Fishhook - A variation of the shocker in which you pull

 

back towards the pussy after you stick your finger up her anus.

 

12. The Ram - Again, you're attacking from behind, when you

 

start ramming her head against the wall in a rhythmic motion. The

 

force of the wall should allow for deeper penetration. Very handy for those lulls in penile sensitivity.

 

13. Bismarck- This is another one involving oral sex. Right before

 

you are about to cum, you pull out, shooting your load all over her face. Follow that with a punch and smear the blood and cum together.

 

14. Jelly Dougnut: A derivation of the Bismark. All you have to

 

do is punch her in the nose while you are getting head.

 

15. The Woody Woodpecker: When a girl is sucking on your balls,

 

tap the head of your cock on her forehead.

 

16. Dog in a Bathtub - This is a proper name for when you

 

attempt to insert your nuts into a girl's ass. It is so named because it

 

can be just as hard as keeping a dog in the tub while giving it a bath.

 

17. Tossing Salad - Another prison act where one person is

 

forced to basically chow asshole with the help of whatever condiments are

 

available, i.e. Jell-O, olive oil, etc. I'm never going to prison.

 

18. Rim Job: Another name for tossing salad. Focuses on the use

 

of the tongue.

 

19. The Bucking Bronco- An all time classic. You start by going

doggy style on a girl and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab onto her tits or hips as tightly as possible and call her a big fat no-good worthless slob. More than likely, she will try to escape. This will give you the feeling of riding a bronco as she tries to buck you off.

 

20. Pink glove - This frequently happens during sex when a girl is not wet enough.

When you pull out to give her money, the inside of her twat sticks to your hog. Thus, the pink glove.

 

21. The Fountain of You - While sitting on her face and having

her eat your ass, jerk off like a madman. Build up as much pressure

 

as possible before releasing, spewing like a venerable geyser all

 

over her face, neck and tits. (Better in her bed).

 

22. New York Style Taco - Anytime when you are so drunk that

 

when you go down, you boot on her box. Happy trails.

 

23. The Dirty Sanchez - A time honored event in which while

 

laying the bone doggie style, you insert Your finger into said woman's asshole, pull it out, wipe it across her upper lip leaving a thin, shit moustache. This makes her look like someone whose name would be Dirty Sanchez.

 

24. The Fish Eye - From behind, you shove your finger in her

 

ass (or his if you are in prison). Thereupon she turns around in a one-eyed

 

winking motion to see what the hell you are doing.

 

25. Tuna Melt - You're down on a chick lapping away and

 

discover that it just happens to be the time of the month. By no means do you

 

stop though. When the whale spews, tartar sauce with a hint of raspberry

 

smothers your face.

 

26. Fur Ball - You're chomping away at some mighty trollop who

 

has a mane between her legs the size of Lionel Richie's Afro, when a mammoth fur ball gets lodged in your throat and causes you to beat the piss out of her.

 

27. The ChiliDog - You take a shit on a girl's tits and then

 

proceed to titty fuck her.

 

28. Gaylord Perry: Going to only one knuckle during an anal

 

probe is for wimps. Make this famous knuckle ball pitcher proud and use multiple

 

knuckles on that virgin corn hole. A minimum of two knuckles required (either

 

on one finger or on multiple).

 

29. Rear Admiral: An absolute blast. When getting a chic from

 

behind (while both partners standing), make sure you don't let her grab on to

 

anythingwhen she is bent over. Then, drive your hips into her backside

 

so that you end up pushing her forward. The goal is to push her into a wall or table. It's almost as much fun to have her trip on her face on the floor. You become an Admiral when you can push her around the room without crashing into anything and not using your hands to grab onto her hips.

 

30. Glass Bottom Boat: Putting saran wrap over your partners

 

face and proceeding to lay a hot shit there.

 

31. Ray-Bans: Put your testicles over her eye sockets while

 

getting head.

 

(Picture it: ass on forhead) It may be anatomically impossible,

 

but it is definitely worth a try.

 

32. Snowmobile: Always a blast. When getting a girl while she's

 

on all fours, sweep out her arms so she falls on her face.

 

33. Dutch Oven: Rather simple. Whenever you bust ass while in

 

the sack pull the covers over both of your head so she can enjoy your pork and beans as well.

Posted

yeah, i'm really sorry. i was pretty dissapointed myself. i can't seem to figure out how to find 99 ways to impress your lover. maybe Wayne can hook us up.

 

p.s. sorry gang for ruining your thread, but that's what things get...ruined

Posted
yeah, i'm really sorry. i was pretty dissapointed myself. i can't seem to figure out how to find 99 ways to impress your lover. maybe Wayne can hook us up.

 

p.s. sorry gang for ruining your thread, but that's what things get...ruined

thats not ruined that is all new epic adventure fruit.gif
Posted

 

p.s. sorry gang for ruining your thread, but that's what things get...ruined

 

you didn't ruin the thread,

its all I ever hoped it would be!

Posted (edited)

how bout 33 ways to leave the coffee shop, stop studying, checking email, and go climbing instead?

 

#1. drop outta school, fool

#2. sell your computer, M.Peabody Van Pooter

#3. move outta Portland, Morton

 

 

multiply by 11, and we've got something

 

 

GUESS WHAT # on my previous list of how to impress your lover i'm attempting, or finishing up???

136vienesee_55.jpgwazzup.gif

Edited by michael_layton
Posted

i'm trying to figure what kind of melted chocolate peanut-ridden candy bar that is. I'm going to take a guess and say a Hundred Grand bar? Am I right?

Posted
GUESS WHAT # on my previous list of how to impress your lover i'm attempting, or finishing up???

136vienesee_55.jpgwazzup.gif

Journal reference: Wilderness and Environmental Medicine (vol 16, p 92:

 

...also, it is apparent that climbers addled by oxygen deprivation are mistaking partially digested feces for discarded Clif Bars.

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