Shit. There must be a waiting list. Where do I sign up.
Ah, another latent DFA-lusting closet case, desperately trying to cover up his out-of-control Doctor-fetishizing with a hearty helping of hypocritical hatred. You all fit so neatly into the pattern, it's uncanny!
While most of your problem is rooted in no-doubt lifelong feelings of inadequacy, helplessness, and lack of self-confidence, there are steps you can take to alleviate your suffering, and help you live a more normal life.
Step 1: Admit your idolatrous fascination with Dr. Flash Amazing. Do not be ashamed; you are but one of many who find DFA's climbing prowess, rapier repartee, classic good looks, and way-honed abs far too much to handle. Relax, and accept the inevitability and okay-ness of these feelings. While they may be strong and confusing, they are not harmful, and may not even mean you are "gay."
Step 2: Attempt to increase your own climbing prowess. Much of your insecurity is rooted in the fertile yet poisonous soil of the knowledge that you do not, you cannot send the majestic hard lines that the Doctor does. You must stop tilling this soil with the plow of laziness, pulled by the stubborn donkey of alpinism and tradism. Cash in this barren homestead on a new lifestyle of training, projecting, dogging, and sending. Remember that you do not have to settle for climbing 5.9 and making excuses like "I just like the fresh alpine air; that's why I suck!"
Step 3 (AKA "the money step"): Sit-ups, V-ups, crunches, twisters, triples, leg raises...get the picture? Do you think Dr. Flash Amazing got his way-honed abs by lugging a backpack full of ice screws and crampons into some godforsaken cirque of choss-towers and then sitting in a musty tent for two weeks, eating freeze-dried pancake batter and vienna sausages, and waiting for it to stop raining? Friend, the answer is most assuredly "no!" Get thine flabby beer gut off the couch and onto the nearest floor for a brutal session of midsection-toning sufferation. Repeat as necessary until a feeling of pride begins to shine on your formerly glum demeanor like the sun beaming down on the anchors of your proj on a crisp Spring day.
Do not delay, lest your fiery, hateful jealousy consume you like DFA's fierce musculature burning 02 on the redpoint. Repent, for the end may be nigh!
He's Baaaack!
