Why not, I don't know, learn to climb by, I don't know, climbing?? "GO TO THE GYM"??? How about "Go climbing", not "Be a fucking loser"? Belay slaves don't climb, they belay. And "Get certified"? Are you a Mountie?
Snugtop, why not you and I head out to the hills. I'll take the fisrt lead, then it's your turn. You'll be OK. I'll work you past the tough spots, keep you calm, massage you with scented oils.
you must have missed the part where she said she only wanted to climb in the gym