Stokes and I were returning from the 2001 Shot Show in New Orleans. We left about N.O. 10AM and had few drinks on our way to a layover in St. Louis. I can't remember how long we we're in St. Louis but, it was long for me to have about 5 double Bloody Mary's at a web bar in the airport. We had the misfortune to get stuck sitting on either side of a liberal feminazi bitch(I believe she was a stewardess also). I remember she didn't care for the website I was on. I know I had some pretty snazzy remarks which lead to her departure (I can't remember them but, I know Stokes does) I believe she was leaving to alert authorities to make sure I would not be able to board the plane.
Deciding that she probably would follow through on her threats we decided to head toward the gate. On the way I decided I was really hungry but, was not willing to ignore my number one rule of travel "I do not eat airport food". Walking through the airport I see a Burger King and thought to myself, "That's not really airport food it's Burger King" and I was really hungry. I ordered two Jr. Whoppers with cheese - innocent enough (I thought).
Now for those here that don't know me and are thinking it was the alcohol, it wasn't All was well and we boarded our plane. I immediately(after going through my pre-flight ritual of telling the strangers around me in an alarmed voice that "There is a man on the wing!" - hey to each his own) lay my head against the window and fall asleep. I am fine until the stewardess is just not happy with me sleeping and wakes me to ask if I want to eat. I am pissed and tell her no. I sit there and watch Stokes eat and decide that now that I can't go back to sleep and the stewardess is done serving it would be a good time to bother her and tell her that I have changed my mind. I eat the food(I have no rules against eating airline food; for those keeping score at home) and fall back asleep.
I am not sure how long I was asleep maybe an hour but, I awake in a cold sweat and a terrible feeling in my bowels. I call the stewardess and ask for a 7-up. I drank about half of it when I realize the problems are not going away. I decide it is time to wake Stokes up as I am gonna need to make a hasty retreat to a lavatory. I wake him up him but he fails to understand the growing importance of me getting there. I finally get him up so I can go.
I turn to the rear of the plane to see 4 people congregating around the facilities, which tells me there are 2 people in them and 4 waiting to get in. So I wheel around and head to first class. I arrive at the front of the plane only to find this one in use also. There are 3 stewardess's in the area up against the cockpit door and one asks if she could help me. I told her of my need to use the bathroom. She tells me that one of the crew is waiting to use it but, evidentially could see the desperation on my face and asks the other gal if I can use it first; thankfully she obliged.
At this time I should point out the fact that I am 6'2" 230lbs (It will be painfully obvious soon why). I am standing at the door waiting for my turn when I feel my head hit the door and I start to go down (I have never in my life fainted before) and I blackout. I come to, to these three little stewardesses slamming me into a tiny fold down seat on the cockpit wall and shoving an oxygen tube in my nose. They start asking me what happened and if I am all right. I respond how the hell would I know what happened. One tells me she looked at me right before I hit the wall and that my lips were blue and I started to slide face first down the door. As she is telling me this the oxygen is flowing, function is returning to my brain and so is the feeling of why I was there in the first place. I tell them I need in the bathroom NOW!
I bolt for the door and rip down my pants with not a second to spare. For the next several minutes I continued to fill and flush the bowl in a continuous stream. I now realize that my bladder is ready to explode and in my haste to sit down I forgot to position myself to be able to do this all at once. I am unable to change things now as I am wedged in place. I try to stand up but, as I do the force of nature requires me to sit back down immediately. As I am sitting there I can here the sound of a something being sprayed throughout the first class cabin, one of the stewardesses knocks on the door and asks if I am OK. I tell her that I am but, that I am not finished. It has now come to the point that I can not hold my bladder any longer. I stand and try to turn around to face the toilet but, can't (remember my size) I realize that I am gonna have to relieve myself in the tiny sink. As I start the process the rumbling in my bowels returns and I as I try to stop the forward action the incredible pressure at all ends releases and let's all hell break loose. I have now completely destroyed the restroom. There is nothing that isn't covered.
Now that all pressure is released I see that I was going to have to try and clean up the mess and now realize that the toilet is plugged solid and will no longer flush. I use all the TP in there and now have it piled up above the rim of the seat. I jam the seat down as best I can and knock on the door to tell them I am coming out. I hear one of them tell me to come out so I unlock the door but, it won't open. I give it a little more push and still nothing, I am really tired of being in there so I really shove on it. It opens and flings a stewardess into the person seated across the isle. I figured out she was pushing on the door so the second I squeezed out they could slam it shut behind me.
The smell of air freshener spray was almost enough to knock me over... but, enough about me; the looks on the first class cabin passengers was indescribable. I smiled and made my way back to the seat to find Stokes now in the window seat sound asleep. I am sitting there a minute and in the middle of a little snoring episode, without opening his eyes he mumbles, "What happened?" I could tell he really didn't care but was being curious. I asked him what did he mean; "what happened?" he mumbled again "You were gone (opens one eye and holds his arm up to his face) close to an hour and they kept coming back here and bugging me. What did they say? I asked. Well they came back and asked if I was with the big guy, I told them ya and the just kept quizzing me "Is he sick.... does he have a medical condition..... is there anything we should know about him?" Finally the last time they came back and woke me up to tell me you weren't doing very well I told them "What do you want me to do about it, I'm not a damn doctor", he said "They left me alone after that"
We arrive in Seattle to find a maintenance truck already there waiting to work on it, it did delay the following flight a half an hour.
