TamaraSlade Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing a gale, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 18 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?' And that's how the fight started .. **** My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend.." And that's how the fight started .. **** After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too' And that's how the fight started .. **** I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and Little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it .. He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And that's how the fight started .. **** I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah,' I said, 'she can order for herself.' And that's how the fight started .. **** My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And that's how the fight started .... **** A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.' And that's how the fight started ....... Quote
Trillium Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 Thanks for posting; this is awesome, you made my day! I'm still laughing from at least 3 of them. Quote
Bug Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 Yeah. I sent them all to my wife so I wouldn't be tempted to act one out. Quote
YocumRidge Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 MAN/WOMAN Friendship among Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there. Quote
marc_leclerc Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 MAN/WOMAN Friendship among Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there. Quote
olyclimber Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 isn't that your girlfriend? can you tell her to stop PMing me? my passport isn't going to be here for a couple of weeks. Quote
TamaraSlade Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 isn't that your girlfriend? can you tell her to stop PMing me? my passport isn't going to be here for a couple of weeks. my bad. Quote
Sherri Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 I read these jokes to my girlfriend. And that's how the fight started... Quote
KaskadskyjKozak Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 I read these jokes to my girlfriend. And that's how the fight started... bra and panty pillow-fight? Quote
YocumRidge Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 bra and panty pillow-fight? I am looking for the evolutionary explanation why men (in general, of course) cannot tolerate things having their immutable place on a couch while drinking beer? Quote
Sherri Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 I read these jokes to my girlfriend. And that's how the fight started... bra and panty pillow-fight? Uh, that would not be a fight. Quote
musky333 Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 A guy is doing a crossword puzzle and says to his wife,"Honey, what is a four letter word for a woman like you that ends in U-N-T ? She says, "That's easy. AUNT. Thats what my nephews call me. He says "Oh.. yeah... Hand me the eraser will you? Thats when the fight started. Quote
TamaraSlade Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened, it was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'....so she socked me a good one." The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue-twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, "Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch' *haha my fav* Quote
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