Revoke Independence of USA

[G-spotter]

 

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

 

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

 

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

 

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

 

The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.

 

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

 

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

 

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

 

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

 

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

 

Look up "interspersed."

 

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

 

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

 

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

 

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

 

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

 

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

 

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.

 

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

 

6. You should stop playing American "football." There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

 

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

 

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

 

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2008.

 

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

 

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

 

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

 

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

 

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

 

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

 

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

 

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

 

13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

 

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

 

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

 

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

 

Thank you for your co-operation.

[catbirdseat]

You are repeating yourself, Dru!

[G-spotter]

I'm certain that n00bs like Kevbone have never seen it before.

[Weekend_Climberz]

How about we just have a good old fashioned fist fight over one anothers country of origin.

 

Drew Colin

 

Colin already seems to be taking that place over anyway

[lI1|1!]

 

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

 

 

 

tTzs9G-VOZ4

 

 

[Peter_Puget]

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

 

I thought you might be serious until I came to this!

[catbirdseat]

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

 

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

Actually this is starting to come to pass. The nice thing about roundabouts is that you can't run a red light in a roundabout. And with Gas prices now reaching nearly 1/2 of Euro levels (gasp), people aren't buying American made SUV's anymore.

[Peter_Puget]

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

 

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

Actually this is starting to come to pass. The nice thing about roundabouts is that you can't run a red light in a roundabout. And with Gas prices now reaching nearly 1/2 of Euro levels (gasp), people aren't buying American made SUV's anymore.

 

linkity-link

[Weekend_Climberz]

Plus, our money is almost the same in value anyway. We might as well just join the damn Canucks and give the Southwest back to Mexico.

 

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18985290/

[Seahawks]

Plus, our money is almost the same in value anyway. We might as well just join the damn Canucks and give the Southwest back to Mexico.

 

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18985290/

 

Probably end up hurting the canucks more than helping in the end.

[fenderfour]

Every meal will contain something boiled, and learn to say "worcestershire", even though you won't be using the sauce much in the new cuisine, it embarasses us when you fuck it up.

[Weekend_Climberz]

If you guys quit adding mayonaisse to your hamburgers, I wouldn't have much of a problem with this proposal.

[catbirdseat]

Peter, wishful thinking. People started buying SUVs again in the first quarter of 06 because gas prices had gone back down. They were not convinced that high prices were here to stay.

 

Having said that I'll add that people often piss and moan about gas prices, saying they'll switch to a more fuel efficent car, but when they go shopping end up buying the same old hog they always been driving. I mean the fat f---s of America need a car their asses will fit into.

Edited June 5, 2007 by catbirdseat

[Macson]

At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metrication_in_the_UK

 

Sounds like the queen is also having trouble going metric.

[ZimZam]

a game which is not played outside of North America.

 

Ichiro, Matsusake, Wang, Matsui...

[G-spotter]

I heard Fidel Castro was a pretty shit hot first baseman too

[ZimZam]

Every meal will contain something boiled

 

Their food is mundane and droll. Haggis WTF. baa lungs and oats. who thought that shit up. Now would be an appropriate time for Kevin's barf pic.

[Peter_Puget]

Peter, wishful thinking. People started buying SUVs again in the first quarter of 06 because gas prices had gone back down. They were not convinced that high prices were here to stay.

 

From the article:

The numbers for large SUVs rose nearly 6 percent in the first quarter of 2007, and the April figures were up 25 percent from April 2006, according to automakers' statistics provided by Edmunds.com, an automotive research Web site.

 

Was April 2006 a dud? Does an increase of 6% agree with "Stopped buying?"

[KaskadskyjKozak]

 

I shit on Canuckistan!

 

 

[AlpineK]

I shit on Canuckistan!

 

 

How can you possibly say that? Alberta was the first place I legally bought a beer when I was 18.

 

Canada