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Szyjakowski

job resume

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TREND MACRO HEARD ON THE WEB

Joke of the Day

Wednesday, April 30, 2003

This is an actual job application that a 17-Year old boy submitted to Wal-Mart in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

 

NAME: Greg Bulmash

 

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person

 

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

 

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

 

EDUCATION: Yes.

 

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

 

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

 

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

 

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

 

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

 

PREFERRED HOURS 1:30-3:30 p. m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday

 

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

 

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, wouldn't I be there?

 

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS.?: Of what?

 

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

 

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

 

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

 

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

 

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.

 

SIGN HERE: Aries.

 

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Was the guy taking some serious meds or what?

Too much drinking in the young years!!! bigdrink.gifbigdrink.gif

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specialed said:

That's pretty sharp. Unfortunately he has to work at Wal-Mart now.

Hey - what's wrong with Wal-Mart?

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for starters if you buy a gangsta rap cd there....all the colorful words are edited out.

 

hellno3d.gif

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specialed said:

Nothing. If you're the CEO.

 

Tooshay mushsmile.gif! I actually can't stand watching hte sort of rift raft that wonder through the giant sweat factory.

 

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you can camp in their parking lot if your rv guzzles enough gas to be acceptable

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kitten said:

specialed said:

Nothing. If you're the CEO.

 

Tooshay mushsmile.gif! I actually can't stand watching hte sort of rift raft that wonder through the giant sweat factory.

 

Ever notice how grossly obese the average Wal-Mart customer is?

 

However, there are many wonderful products to purchase at Wal-Mart. They have a killer selection of car camping shit for cheap like fold-up lazy boy chairs (with beer can holder) and I got some neoprene gloves there that are gunna be the shit for crossing glaciers in the summer for $6. So I can't complain.

 

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no one packs on the pounds like the typical costco member.

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kitten said:

 

Hey - what's wrong with Wal-Mart?

 

Has anyone else ever witnessed their early morning employee sing-alongs?!?! yelrotflmao.gif Never again!! hellno3d.gif

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adventuregal said:

And NO I never worked there... only witnessed it once!!! wave.gif

 

It sounds a bit scary - considering who does work in Wal-Mart. Hey at least they are working. RIght? Geek_em8.gif

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I guess in your world work is a good thing. I'd rather be independently wealthy.

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rbw1966 said:

I guess in your world work is a good thing. I'd rather be independently wealthy.

 

Independently wealthy would be wonderful - but not true for this girlie. smirk.gif

So I would rather earn my keep and do something I am good at rather than stay at home being full-time mom. bigdrink.gif

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specialed said:

That's pretty sharp. Unfortunately he has to work at Wal-Mart now.

Ya know I felt the same way until I saw a special on 60 min about some of the managers of stores from around the country and their bank accounts and stock plans. Fuckers were millionairs and not on paper like so many of these dot com wankers. I could not believe it. If I had know that I would of kidnapped some Wal-mart managers instead of a high profile ad exec that got me 15 years in the can in fucking MO.

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Rumor has it the real cash in a robbery is not at a bank anymore but at a Cub foods, Wal-Mart of Costco on a friday night. Cub foods in Portland got taken for over 40K during a heist a few years ago. Of course, I have no personal knowledge of anything related to this heinous crime.

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yeah there was all kinds of waffle mix and syrup on the blackmarket in the metro area. there's something exciting about eating hot golden grahams hahaha.gif

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rbw1966 said:

Rumor has it the real cash in a robbery is not at a bank anymore but at a Cub foods, Wal-Mart of Costco on a friday night. Cub foods in Portland got taken for over 40K during a heist a few years ago. Of course, I have no personal knowledge of anything related to this heinous crime.

Guilty! hahaha.gif

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rbw1966 said:

Rumor has it the real cash in a robbery is not at a bank anymore but at a Cub foods, Wal-Mart of Costco on a friday night. Cub foods in Portland got taken for over 40K during a heist a few years ago. Of course, I have no personal knowledge of anything related to this heinous crime.

 

What color mask would you wear? smile.gifsmile.gifsmile.gif

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rbw1966 said:

black and white leopard print to match my thong

You are a smart ass! yelrotflmao.gif I was thinking red might throw em.

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rbw1966 said:

black and white leopard print to match my thong

And how much would alcohol would it take for you to

show up in your riske' clothing? wave.gif

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What color mask would you wear? smile.gifsmile.gifsmile.gif

If you plan on robbing a place in seattle just go in with a suit and tie on. Open an account and over draw the damn thing. Most of the banks will extend so much credit for a white guy in a suit and tie that its sickening. Last time I checked two major credit cards, a drivers license, and pass port or birth cert cost 1500 to 2800 american. This will get you into most banks real smooth and easy

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