"Shit My Dad Says"

[prole]

Best thing on Twitter.

 

*Name: Justin

*Bio: I'm 29. I live with my 73-year-old dad. He is awesome. I just write down shit that he says

 

# "You're being fucking dramatic. You own a TV and an air mattress. That's not exactly what I'd call "a lot to lose." 5:57 PM Oct 3rd from web

 

# "You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again after your bullshit dies out over someone else's house." 5:08 PM Oct 1st from web

 

# "Jesus Christ, Just give the dog his fucking food. Why's he gotta do a trick first? YOU don't have to do shit before YOU eat." 10:28 AM Sep 30th from web

 

# "It's not the gardener's job to pick up the dog shit. If you don't want to pick up the dog shit, then learn a skill like gardening." 12:47 PM Sep 28th from web

 

# Do these announcers ever shut the fuck up? Don't ever say stuff just because you think you should. That's the definition of an asshole." 11:51 AM Sep 27th from web

 

# "A scar ain't 13 god damned stitches. I'll introduce you to men with REAL scars, then we'll all laugh at your fucking 13 stitches together." 10:57 AM Sep 26th from web

 

# "I'm sitting in one of those TGI Friday's places, and everyone looks like they want to shove a shotgun in their mouth." 2:56 PM Sep 24th from web

 

# "You're gonna run into jerk offs. But remember, it's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it." 10:46 AM Sep 23rd from web

 

# "I wouldn't worry about money...No, it has a lot to do with happiness, I just meant YOU shouldn't worry, cause you'd just piss it away." 9:28 AM Sep 22nd from web

 

# "No, you can not borrow my t-shirt...How about instead of standing there looking shocked, you do your fucking laundry?" 3:30 PM Sep 21st from web

 

# I think the baby shit....Well, I'm smelling shit right now, so if it ain't the baby, one of you has a big fucking problem." 12:05 PM Sep 20th from web

 

# "Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later that it's because it fucked you." 10:38 AM Sep 19th from web

 

# "The universe does not give a fuck about you. You are a speck in its shit." 3:00 PM Sep 17th from web

 

# "Fucking Radio Shack. It's a wonder they even know how to use a bathroom and don't just walk around all day with shit in their pants." 12:08 PM Sep 16th from web

 

# "Don't listen to the pussy side of you when you make a decision. People gravitate towards being a pussy. Remove the pussy, son." 11:57 AM Sep 15th from web

# "Happy birthday, I didn't get you a present...Oh, mom got you one? Well, that's from me then too, unless it's shitty." 9:52 AM Sep 14th from web

 

# "Anytime someone sells you food in a sack, it's not a sack of food, it's a sack of shit." 11:29 AM Sep 13th from web

 

# "I turn the kitchen faucet on and the shower burns you, yes, I get it...No, I'm not gonna stop, I'm just saying yes, I get that concept." 8:54 AM Sep 11th from web

 

# "Why the fuck would I want to live to 100? I'm 73 and shit's starting to get boring. By the way, there's no money left when I go, just fyi." 2:58 PM Sep 10th from web

--more here.

[billcoe]

ROTFLMAO!!!!! I got permanent smile! Thanks Prole!

 

latest:

""Does anyone your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking."

 

[Kimmo]

not funny.

[billcoe]

is too

[Pete_H]

Isn't 73 pretty old to be having a 29 y/o son?

[Jim]

Don't you outgrow twitter by what, 13?

[ScottP]

Isn't 73 pretty old to be having a 29 y/o son?

 

If/when I'm 73, my son will be 33. I started parenthood late because before that, I wasn't mature enough to even take care of myself, let alone someone else.

 

As it turns out, I'm still not.

[billcoe]

Isn't 73 pretty old to be having a 29 y/o son?

 

If/when I'm 73, my son will be 33. I started parenthood late because before that, I wasn't mature enough to even take care of myself, let alone someone else.

 

As it turns out, I'm still not.

 

 

LOL, and in realizing this, you are undoubtedly a much better dad. Congrats.