Pope's Confessional Is Now Open!

[pope]

Pope,

Got a new role model, and it's as though you're reading my mind. I saw the Christian G. photos (shaving in the tub; climbing in his speedos; walking in snow storm with a big wool coat, lycra shorts, sketch pad, beatnik hat and pensive facial expression)....well, he's the guy, my inspiration. Got myself some Verve action gear (shorts, trousers and oversized hemp shopping/bouldering bag). Got a "racing" kit for my GTI, including an $850 steering wheel, for looking good on the way to the Forrest Land boulders). Got my copy of the Manifesto.... Maybe you wouldn't pattern your life after Christian, but at least I'm not chanting, "Be like Sharma!" whenever I set up for a sit-start.

[specialed]

Dude, Sharma's way passe, didn't you hear. The new sport idol,love monkey, media darling is Dave Graham. He's totally my hero because he's in all the mags, all the time.

Though, as you pointed out, Christian G. has way more style than both of them.

[pope]

It's neat to watch these youngsters grow over the years, watch their haircuts and jewelry evolve, watch them grow up into young men and women and get married while hanging on the side of a cliff and such. Maybe the best part of today's mountaineering periodicals is the columns in which we follow the personal lives of these "rock stars"...who's having a baby, who at chocolate cake in "iso" before the big comp, who's starting a company selling a new line of women's sports undergarments, etc.

Come on now, how many of you have torn off the protective plastic cover from your newest issue of R&I, before you even got back from the mailbox, and turned directly to the gossip columns near the front of the magazine? How many of you get satisfaction out of knowing who David Graham and Obe Karion are dating, and where their next bouldering tour will take them? How many of you pattern your climbing fashion choices after what you saw Lynn Hill or Will Gadd sporting at the Trade Show last month?

Confessional is open.

[z]

Pope,

As you are well aware I am the Incubus, but since there is no hope of redemption I will confess out of spitefulness.

I often perform contrived boulder maneuvers with the page exposed and open to Rachel Babkirk's heavenly visage in R&I#107....

 

[Dwayner]

Pope:

I think this confessional of yours, which has experienced considerable therapeutic popularity, has finally got to me. I recall having defended the lovely and talented Miss Katie Brown, on more than one occasion on this Board, from the lecherous likes of you. Now I have a very embarassing confession to make....how can I say this...(courage, Dwayner, courage!). O.K., here it is...everytime I see a picture of Miss Brown....I wanna....oh never mind, I can't say it......O.K., let me try again...everytime I see a picture of Miss Brown I just wanna......I just wanna......TAKE HER OUT AND BUY HER A NICE LUNCH!!! A couple of Big Macs, some super-sized fries and an extra-thick shake! I know being skinny and light makes her climb better but.....ah forget it....I take it back! Katie! Forgive me! You´re pretty and in fine form just the way you are! Never change, babe!!!!

Pope! I can't believe I did that. I don't feel better coming here, I feel worse!!!

Cinco mas cervezas, por favor!

- Dwayner

[Wopper]

Dwayner -

You are in Spain on vacation and you have nothing better to do than read and comment on this board???? Come on, man. Go outside!

[Dwayner]

Whopper, m'bru-tha!

Who said I was on vacation? NO such luck! I get to travel to these parts a couple/few times a year, often with the ambition of doing some climbing on the side...and yesterday I spent 8 hours of typing which was just part of a very long day! Yup. Can see the ocean here...can't see the numerous righteous topless Betty's on the beach, though, which is a good thing. There are some rocks to be had for sure, even a guide book (although the locals are mostly sporty round here on dubious volcanic rock), but no sign of climbing in sight on this trip despite the desire....maybe on the weekend. Maybe that's why Donna took off?...I never said I'd be able to entertain her HOT self 24/7. That's life! Gotta make some bread to feed my various healthy habits. My next climb will probably be in the Cascades in a week or so!!!! I'd tell you what I do for a living but you'd never believe me. Besides, it's more fun to blah, blah, blah on the internet in semi-anonimity.

Go in peace, soldier of alpine pursuits, and enjoy the summer solstice.

- Ddddddddddddddddddddd...dddddddd....dwayner

[Wopper]

Dwayner -

My sincerest apologies. From reading the various posts I thought you were there on vacation. I hope you eventually get a chance to at least view the beauty of the locals. And best of luck with Donna Rotten Crotch. Don't let her ruin your trip across the pond.

[Guest]

Checked my E-mail today and one of my gurlfrens tells me that there's a bunch of inane chatter about myself on this Board!

Nice going, Dwayner! Sharing my life's activities on the Internet! I thought you were bigger than that! The fact is, I'm climbing, and you're trapped behind a desk at the moment, or drinking yourself silly in some bar. I wasn't about to hang around while you did your "bidniss" in London, I went out to climb which I am still doing, in Fontainbleu today, and as far as climbing topless is concerned, it is a sight I assure you that you, in particular, will not see (unless you take stealth photos or play around with Photoshop software ala "Pope".) It seems that you've hooked up with the old sleeping-bag-crapper "Pope" if you didn't know him already. Are you that twinky he spent 3 months with sorting olive drab shoes laces while on reserve duty in the Israeli army? And you jackass "Pope", I always thought you were obsessed with Lynn Hill! Carry on, little boys, I'm climbing everday and loving it! Allez!

- Donna

[Dwayner]

!"·$%&

[This message has been edited by Dwayner (edited 06-23-2001).]

[Cpt.Caveman]

Quit kissing her ass Dwayner you aint getting nada.

[gapertimmy]

[This message has been edited by tim (edited 06-21-2001).]

[pope]

POPE AIN'T IMPRESSED.

[This message has been edited by pope (edited 06-21-2001).]

[mikeadam]

Donna is Lynn Hill. Wiley wench...

[This message has been edited by mikeadam (edited 06-21-2001).]

[willstrickland]

quote:

---

Originally posted by mikeadam:

Donna is Lynn Hill. Wiley wench...

---

 

Lynn Hill is Dwayner? Hey, good job on the Nose Dwayner!

[mikeadam]

NO,no no...Dwayner is Ed Viesturs.

[pope]

BUSTED!!! Dwayner/Donna in Spain, spraying from the same computer? It's true. I called Dwayner to inquire about the sit-start possibilities around Madrid, and in the background, I heard the unmistakable voice of Donna asking, "Who the fu@k is calling at this hour?" I didn't realize how late it was on the Continent, but anyway, apparently Iain, the rat-faced Limey had gambled away all of Donna's travel money on a "football" match (Liverpool vs. Barcelona), then dropped Donna for a chance at belaying Jerry Moffat on his come-back tour of Southern European crags. Point is, Donna needed internet access so she could counter my "slanderous" anecdotes from the Cirque Expedition, and she asked Dwayner for a place to crash until the flight back State-side, threatening to disclose the details of their relationship to the numerous (23?) babes Dwayner happens to be swinging currently.

Dwayner....already buying Donna's line of shit. Heh heh. This is where things get rich. She's going to smother the guy, but he won't be able to cut her loose, 'cause she doesn't let go of her men so easily. Thank God he's the focus of that psychotic Donna's obsession.

[Dwayner]

Pope! You're a stinkin' idiot! You're full of more gossip than a jr. high slumber party. Dude, if there be a need for confessing, I'll do it myself. Although you got the humiliating outline of the story correct, I never said anything about Jerry Moffat or gambling which is are obvious elaborations on your part, which aren't that funny. Yah, she got dumped by the English guy (apparently a new and sufficiently traumatic experience) and she ended up here straight away, and I was a big old manipulated fool to cooperate in letting others think she was elsewhere, even with the odd sarcastic reply from my direction. It was lame. I was under her voodoo spell (and I'm typing this while she's crashing in the next room.) Guess what! Good news for all of us!! I was just told last night that she's moving to the People's Republic of Boulder in two weeks. Apparently it's job related. Hey Pope! Maybe you can help her move; I don't want to be around that scene anymore. Anyway, sorry about the temporary lack of propriety but Big Dwayner wasn't doing the thinking. Perhaps justice is being served as there ain't anything to climb around here but sport routes!! Also left Donna at the hotel to attend a beauty pageant but that's another story altogether.

- Big Dwayner

P.S. Donna is banned from using my "company" computer. If she´s gonna read this, she'll have to go to the local "internet cafe" and frankly I don't care. It's old news anyway. Pope, she's all yours! Maybe you can charm her into moving back in with you in your Mom's basement!

[Guest]

My opinion? I think this whole Donna Crotch Rot -- make believe comedy/drama is starting to get pretty old. It was funny, but now it's just time to make her go away.

[Wopper]

I am with you on that Spray Lord. The whole Donna Rotten Crotch thing is way old. Pope and Dwayner, you need a new name for your other personalities.

Now that I think about it, are you two the same person?

[Dwayner]

Gee whiz, Wopper! Ouch! I said I agreed with HRH Lord Spray that the li'l missy was wearin' on me too! I seconded it myself! Come here, Wopper, now grab that mouse (the one attached to your computer) and scroll up a message or two. Read it again, please. Not so fast! Great!... Man oh man! I will let the girl know that her posts aren't wanted around here and that her alpine love epic ain't of interest to at least two people (and increasing three if you count me.) Can't guarantee results, though.

So you think me n'Pope have multiple personalites and be one and the same, eh? So who was that belayin' me on Snow Creek Wall a coupla months ago.....damn, was it me???...wow! I musta been solo climbing!! Damn I'm good! And who was that who be encouraging me to ask people to say, "I'm a monkey boy!" up on Careno Crag etc. not so long ago. If it weren't Pope, it must have been me! And another bold solo! plus I be hearing voices! And caught myself in mid-air when I greased off that last pitch! Science defied! O.K., amigo Wopper, I'm sure you get the point. (By the way, why do they call you Wopper? Is it time to revive Big Lou, Jr?) As for Donna, Pope's got the scars (physical and emotional to show for it - I'm a lot tougher than that.) By the way, not to fuel your conspiracy theory, but Donna's not her real name. She ain't that stupid! Someday, we'll I'll step out of anonymity; we'll have our own Leavenworth rock fest and outing party and the silly guessing game will no longer be necessary.

In the meantime, life goes on in Spain, where I'm counting the days until I can go home relax AND climb!

shalom, Dwayner

 

[Dwayner]

Spray Lord, m'man...if only it were but a dream. I agree. I'm sick of reporting about this manipulative little vixen. The interest by others have fueled the updates so unless she chooses to contribute further, I'm in no mood to facilitate her personality cult. She's moving away. Let her annoy the hippies in Boulder. Maybe there's a climber bulletin board in Colorado she can spout off on. I will suggest to her that she doesn't have a ready audience for her aggressive male-bashing in the NW climbing community (even while the bashers seem to follow her around like flies to a dumptruck!) And you, too, Pope: don't encourage her obnoxious behavior by bringing her up in your posts either.

Spray-Meister: the word will be passed on although I can't guarantee results, especially if people like you fuel her blabbering by calling her "rotten" whatever. (In general, it ain't terribly respectful to call people names like that unless you got some personal experience to back it up (so you went out with her too, eh????hey, hey!!)

Your royal highness, King of All Spray, I'd think that you of all denizens of the Alpine Kingdom would be more tolerant of sprayicious verbage. As they say, if you don't like it, don't read it, but I agree, the mere name will likely bring me some bad memories.

Carry on, oh Sprayatollah!

- Dwayner

P.S. You don't believe she's real, eh? I know Pope's got some tasty snaps somewhere, probably from his Cirque Expedition. Maybe he can post one sometime. (I hear he's got pictures of her girlfriend Erika changing out of her sports-bra.) I'll have to check. I think I have a few but they're group photos at a party and such, and non-climbing stuff. I suppose I could try and take a few more during the next couple days...although my efforts will probably be looked upon now with typical suspicion, especially after she reads this.....(dough!) I already caught hell for the last post!!!! Things ain't goin's so well!

P.P.S.S. Did I mention that I can't guarantee results???

[Guest]

FYI: Really it's nothing personal just business.

It's just that the ratings are starting to fall, the viewers are becoming disgruntled, and so we have to cancel this thread for the upcoming season.

[pope]

You want Confessional to close? For the summer? For good? Then where will I turn? What then will be MY hope? Am I condemned to a life of choosing wankers as my role models?

[This message has been edited by jkassidy (edited 06-24-2001).]

[Dru]

I'm just waiting for the username "Iain the Rat-Faced Brit" to appear - I would register it myself but i am too lazy. HINT probably appearing from the same IP as Dwayner Pope and Don, A TopRope.