Poo Thread

[fenderfour]

Spray is boring. Even the Mounties Pics thread is sucking a fatty. Here's a story about poo:

 

WARNING: What follows would be considered offensive and crude to many. The story contained in this post deals with subjects commonly considered taboo in the Western world. The terms poo, turd, and boneless brown will be used without shame. At least one young man's ego will be crushed under the massive weight of a monument to modern fast food. You have been warned. Any reader going beyond this statement does so of their own free will. The management will not be responsible for any offense.

 

A few years ago, I enrolled in a climbing class. This class taught the basics of mountaineering and simple rope work. It was a whole new world to me, as I was a video game/organized sports kid. I didn't grow up in a family who were inclined to outdoor activities. The class really shook me up. Every weekend I was in the mountains doing things that scared the bejeezus out of me. Every weekend I came home exhausted and elated, eager to share the story of my trip. On this particular weekend, I had just returned from my first overnight climbing trip. As always, I was eager to share my experience as soon as I got home.

 

I arrived late Sunday evening. I was carrying two large bags of gear, looking and feeling particularly haggard. Immediately I knew something wasn't quite right. At the time, I was sharing an apartment with Mike in Northgate. The front room contained Mike, Zack, and Jarratt. Cool. My friends were already here. I could spray away about my trip to four people all at once, but what was that smell?

 

My apartment had the lingering stench of ass about it. This wasn't the smell created by three guys sitting in an enclosed room for a few hours eating pizza. No, this was something much more heinous. It smelled of raw sewage and potpourri, like someone had made some attempt to dull the stink. I was torn. I wanted to know what was causing the stink. A the same time, I was terrified that I might have to clean it up.

 

My mind immediately dredged up an incident that occurred a few years earlier when Mike was living on his own in Capital Hill. His toilet had stopped working and the apartment manager was slow to go about getting it fixed. Mike continued to use the device, resulting in a staggering mound of excrement and a horrible funk about his apartment. If this had occurred in the two short days I was away, heads were going to roll.

 

I dropped my bag. Zack was on his feet. "I know your digital camera is in here somewhere" he said as he started rummaging through my pack.

 

Mike, laughing said "Dude, you gotta see this!"

 

He lead me to the bathroom.

 

My fears were to be realized. I wanted nothing to do with the pile of digested matter that was sure to be waiting me in the washroom.

 

Zack, still rummaging "Dude, where is it?"

 

The closer we got to the bathroom, the worse the stench. It took on a sweeter smell as we got closer, almost as if it were already decaying, creating a noxious stew of untold horror in my apartment.

 

Mike flipped the switch outside the bathroom. The lid to the commode was closed. The smell was staggering. It was like a honey bucket at the Gorge on a hot summer day. The smell was tangible, a wall that had to be pushed through in order to continue on.

 

Mike crouched low and leaned into the bathroom as if he were entering the lion's den. He stretched out and with a single finger flipped open the toilet lid. A flash of odor erupted from the porcelain device like heat from an oven. I gagged.

 

"Dude, look in" Mike beseeched, hardly containing his laughter.

 

Jarratt's role was to laugh maniacally from the front room as we were playing more active parts in this dark comedy.

 

I crept closer, my curiosity enough to overcome my body's instinctive response to flee the smell of death.

 

I moved in still further, pushing past the irredeemable stink.

 

I peered in the shiny white bowl, past the seat.

 

To this day I have trouble believing what I saw leaning against the side off the bowl. As I have no proof of the encounter, it could have been a group hallucination brought on by a buildup of methane gas in my apartment. Maybe it was byproduct of a sewage backup within the complex that affected my three friends and I that caused what we saw. Maybe Jarratt just has a really big asshole.

 

Leaning against the side of the bowl was easily the biggest turd I have ever seen in my life. I kid you not - it was the size of a twenty ounce Coke bottle. The damn thing didn't even have the decency to float about like a normal, self-respecting turd might have. No, it was perched on the side of the receptacle to make sure it was noticed. It was hanging out as if to say "'sup?"

 

I couldn't help but laugh. I had what amounted to a submarine-sandwich of fecal matter lounging in my toilet. I laughed hard. I laughed long. I choked on the odor as it seared my lungs while I was gasping for breath.

 

"Who the f_ck made that?" I asked, laughing and gesturing at "the beast"

 

At this point, Jarratt rose from his throne in the front room, still laughing maniacally. "Uh hey dude, I did"

 

For the love of Christ!

 

At the time, we had what we called "The Log Book" in the bathroom. It was a journal that anyone who used the bathroom was welcome to read or contribute to. I read Jarrat's entry for the frankenturd. It read:

 

A Taco Bell dump, minimal wiping, no big deal.

 

PASSING A BONELESS BROWN THE SIZE OF MY ARM IS NO BIG DEALl????!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!???????

 

I can only assume that wiping was minimal due to the fact that he no longer had a colon. The food simply digested in his stomach until he was left with a gigantic lump of waste, which he surgically removed every few days to leave in a another unsuspecting victim's loo.

 

Zack barged in with the camera. I made very sure that he didn't lose his grip. I did not believe for an instant that giganto-poo would be kind to my electronic devices. Zack snapped two pictures.

 

At this point, the smell was getting to everyone. Apparently the movement that passed the monument of feces occurred some four hours earlier, hence the stink in the apartment.

 

Zack reverently pushed the silver handle down. Mike said a few words on behalf of the turd. The poo stood its ground, water swirling around the stump of shite. It looked like a fat old man in a whirlpool.

 

I'm watching the turd, nonplussed by our efforts to rid our world of it's presence. I wondered what would happen if it didn't "go away". I was thinking we may have to use the plunger to chop it into smaller pieces to overcome the geometric difficulties we might have with the plumbing. I did have that long-handled barbecue knife… maybe I will finally use it for something….

 

Just as we were sure that the Jarratt/Taco Bell lovechild was here to stay, it shuddered and disappeared. No one actually watched it go down the drain, it simply wasn't there anymore. For all we know, it hopped out and took up residence underneath the sink.

 

The four of us were laughing so hard it was difficult to stand. We reconvened in the front room to sit and laugh. Doors and windows were opened to evacuate the last vestiges of the fecal presence.

 

As the evening progressed, I tried to tell stores of my trip and show pictures contained in my camera. Without fail, someone would say (myself included) "Yeah, but did you see that turd?" and we would all laugh and find the picture in the camera's memory.

 

Epilogue:

 

The memory chip that contained the pictures of the turd corrupted the day after the event. I whole heartedly believe that modern technology was not enough to contain the evil of the turd. I lost all of the pictures from my trip with the picture of the turd, but no one else cared. The true tragedy was losing the portrait of a monster.

 

Jarrat is not allowed to use the bathroom at my house anymore.

 

The moral of the story is simple. Friends will save you some pizza. Real friends will save an enormous turd for four hours, wallowing in the stench, simply so that you too can laugh at the power of Jarratt's ass.

[fear_and_greed]

Where's the photo?

[olyclimber]

This isn't boring enough. Please research all the prior poo threads and do an analysis. Then build a matrix that references all the prior poo threads and rates them of established criteria. Put all this information into a powerpoint presentation that is boiled down to the level so that executive management can read and understand it. Be sure there are lots of charts with the arrows pointed upward and of course include lots of classic MS Office clipart.

[sobo]

E-rock would just scoff. Jarratt is a poseur when it comes to the artform known as defecation.

 

Although i have to admit, the "saving of the beast" for 4 hours just so that others might enjoy it was a nice touch.

[G-spotter]

So after the birthing experience could he walk normally or was he all bowlegged?

[fandango]

Tastes like chicken.

[Weekend_Climberz]

This isn't boring enough. Please research all the prior poo threads and do an analysis. Then build a matrix that references all the prior poo threads and rates them of established criteria. Put all this information into a powerpoint presentation that is boiled down to the level so that executive management can read and understand it. Be sure there are lots of charts with the arrows pointed upward and of course include lots of classic MS Office clipart.

 

I can see it now....

 

New clipart download on MSOffice website: PooArt

[Cobra_Commander]

I am here to post to this important thread.

[G-spotter]

To poost.

[mountainmatt]

 

http://www.ratemypoo.com

[fenderfour]

http://www.ratemypoo.com

 

And Mountainmatt wins with the logical conclusion to any Poo thread!

[Weekend_Climberz]

Holy shit batman, I'm sorry I clicked on that.

[archenemy]

This is the best TR I have ever read.

[Cobra_Commander]

I preferred E-Rock's diseased colon walk-through TR.

[Dechristo]

It looked like a fat old man in a whirlpool.

 

I prefer: "like a fat baby's arm churning butter".

[archenemy]

It looked like a fat old man in a whirlpool.

 

I prefer: "like a fat baby's arm churning butter".

Well we all have our peccadillos now, don't we?

[Dechristo]

yes, I find the cross-breeding of peccaries and armadillos to be slightly offensive.

[archenemy]

Then you should stop doing it

[Dechristo]

just tryin' to come up with an armadillo that can get across a road faster.

 

[fenderfour]

just tryin' to come up with an armadillo that can get across a road faster.

 

 

That's what it looked like, but without the stripes.

[Dechristo]

it had a mucilaginous tail?

[sobo]

 

Thanks for sharing that pic, DeC. It's now my new wallpaper!