EWolfe Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 Mitch Hedberg: I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit. I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide." I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough." Steven Wright: All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. Others? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foraker Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 RIP Mitch Hedburg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sobo Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 I think Steven Wright, Arsenio Hall, and Robin Williams are three of the funniest mofos out there today. I find their style of humor to be uproariously funny. Steven Wright: I used to work at Logan Airport. I was a parking attendant. I used to park jets. They had to let me go, though, because I kept locking the keys in them... everyday day I'd be up there on a 70-foot step ladder with a coathanger trying to jimmy the cockpit window... I have a map of the United States. It's actual size. Down at the bottom it says, "1 mile = 1 mile." It's a bitch to fold it back up. more... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doug Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 "I got pulled over for speeding the other day. The police officer said did you nkow you were going 80 miles an hour? I said, yeah but I wasn't going to be out that long "I spilled some spot remover on my dog. Now I can't find him" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klenke Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 Steven Wright: "I bought a house on the median of the freeway. Driveway speed limit is 65 miles an hour." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bunglehead Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 More SW: This morning I couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said "They're behind the couch" She was right. I have the largest sea shell collection in the world, perhaps you've seen it. It's scattered on beaches all across the planet. The other day I was trying to unlock my apartment, but I stuck my car keys in the door instead. So I took the building out for a spin. This cop pulls me over and asks "What are you doing here?" I said: "I live here" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catbirdseat Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 Some of those jokes are a lot funnier if the listener is drunk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cook Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 I saw this wino eating grapes and I was like, dude you have to wait Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sobo Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 I saw this wino eating grapes and I was like, dude you have to wait Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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