midafternoon joke break

[underworld]

what do you call a deer with no eyes?

 

 

no eyed deer

[underworld]

what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

 

 

still no eyed deer

[TREETOAD]

What do you call an inuit looking through somebodies bedroom window?

 

Tom tookalook

[flyingkiwi1]

Two blondes were reading the paper. One of them saw this headline:

 

"TWO BRAZILIAN SOLDIERS KILLED"

 

Puzzled, she turned to her friend and whispered, "Psssst.....how many is a brazilian?"

[sobo]

uhhhhhhhhh, we started this whole worthless thread with that joke.

[flyingkiwi1]

Well, fuck. Here's another one then.

 

Seen in the UK on a camping shop during a sale in December:

 

"Now is the winter of our discount tent."

[TREETOAD]

Rob

[seawallrunner]

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

 

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

 

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces:

"I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

 

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

 

Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

 

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, "I've lost my electron".

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

 

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

 

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

 

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

 

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

 

2 muffins are sitting in an oven... One looks at the other and says "is it hot in here?" The other muffin replies "holy shit! A talking muffin!"

 

Penguin walks into a bar and orders a beer Bartender say "what's wrong penguin?" Peguin replies "I'm looking for my brother" Bartender say "what's he look like?"

 

Skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.......

 

2 guys walk into a bar and the 3rd guy ducked

 

Sandwhich walks into a bar and orders a beer.... Bartender say.... "I'm sorry but we don't serve food here"

Mushroom walks into a bar and orders a beer....

Bartender says "didn't you see what I told the sandwhich....we don't serve food here" Mushroom says "why not...I'm a fun guy (fungi)"

 

Termite walks into a bar and says.... "is the bar tender here?"

 

Rabbi, a priest and a muslim walk into a bar Bartender says "what is this...some kind of joke?"

 

 

Thanks, I'm here all week.

[EWolfe]

Blonde driver gets pulled over by a blonde police officer. The Woman cop asks for her license, the blonde driver digs around, but can't find it.

"What does it look like?" she asks

"It's small, kinda square, and has your picture on it" says the cop.

The blonde pulls out a compact mirror, sees her face in it and hands it to the other blonde, asking:

"Is this it?"

The blonde officer looks at it and says:

"Oh! I didn't know you were a Policewoman, too! You may go!"

[TREETOAD]

When I was a kid I was so ugly my mom used to tie a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me.

[selkirk]

When I was a kid I was so ugly my mom used to tie a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me.

 

So what's your wife do?

[Stonehead]

Dookey

[sobo]

When I was a kid I was so ugly my mom used to tie a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me.

 

So what's your wife do?

 

[TREETOAD]

When I was a kid I was so ugly my mom used to tie a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me.

 

So what's your wife do?

 

 

[Dru]

The Hunchback of Notre Dame wants to go on holiday so he advertises in the paper for a replacement hunchback. After interviewing the successful candidate he gives him the keys to the bell tower, shows him quickly what ropes to pull when and heads off.

 

Well its time for the Replacement to ring the bells and he gets all psyched up, checks his watch, looks at the bell pulls and loses it. He's not sure he remembers which bell pull rings which bell. Finally he decides he'll just pull on the biggest bell pull and ring that bell, which must be the loudest one.

 

Now he goes to pull on the chosen bellpull, but what Quasimodo didn't mention is that the largest bell in the Cathedral is to be rung only upon the deaths of Popes. Now it has been so long since a pope died (this is before John Paul kicked the bucket) that the rope has become rotten with age. So as the replacement hunchback puts his full weight on the rope, trying to ring the bell, the rope snaps and he pitches forwards . He grabs another pull to support himself but unfortunately the one he grabs is to a counterweight, not a bell. The counterweight drops and he flies upwards into the bells swinging in the top of the bell tower. His head mashes right into one bell, ringing it loudly but knocking himself out cold. Then he loses his grip on the counterweight's rope and falls the length of the tower to his death.

 

Two monks have come hurrying to the scene, holding the skirts of their cassocks up above their knees to run faster. They find the dead replacement hunchback lying flattened on the ground.

 

One monk says to the second monk, after surveying the scene: "Well, that face rings a bell!"

 

 

The other monk says "Yeah, this hunchback's a dead ringer for Quasimodo!"

[TREETOAD]

Does the name pavlov ring a bell?

[knotzen]

No, but it sure makes my mouth water.

[knotzen]

uhhhhhhhhh, we started this whole worthless thread with that joke.

Well, at least you didn't say the joke was worthless.

[TREETOAD]

No, but it sure makes my mouth water.

Have one of these, it's on me

[seawallrunner]

This husband had just finished reading a book called, "MAN OF THE HOUSE".

 

Upon completion he stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

 

His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."

 

[EWolfe]

 

[TREETOAD]

WTF are you doing to that cat man

[EWolfe]

That cat wants to be a blonde, it just doesn't know it yet.

[TREETOAD]

well I hope you are wearing a condom

[EWolfe]

In a place called Condomnation

all you think about

is protection.