Scott_J Posted November 20, 2003 Posted November 20, 2003 Last Rites I overheard April talking to one of her girlfriends: "When he dies, I inherit everything. It's in his last will and testicles." "Don't you meant 'testament'?" "No," April said, "I've got him by the balls." Quote
Scott_J Posted November 20, 2003 Author Posted November 20, 2003 I went to an authentic Mexican restaurant. The waiter poured the water and then warned me not to drink it." Quote
Scott_J Posted November 20, 2003 Author Posted November 20, 2003 "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy ~~~~~~~~ "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." ~Frank Sinatra ~~~~~~~~ "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman ~~~~~~~~~ "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright ~~~~~~~ "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke ~~~~~~~ "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin ~~~~~~~ "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry ~~~~~~~~ Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser. ~~~~~~~ To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~~~~~~~~ And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." Quote
Scott_J Posted November 20, 2003 Author Posted November 20, 2003 Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me." New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." Quote
allthumbs Posted November 20, 2003 Posted November 20, 2003 sisu_suomi said: Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me." If Michael Jackson would have said it, it wouldn't be funny at all. It'd be "evidence". Quote
scrambler Posted November 20, 2003 Posted November 20, 2003 Ok, this is crazy, sounds like liberal, 'see through their eyes' crap but here goes: Maybe he's only trying to relive the childhood that he missed because his parents put so much pressure on him to succeed as a child star. Being eccentric is not a crime. Nothing condones his alleged criminal behavior though. If he's found guilty, HANG THE BASTARD. Quote
allthumbs Posted November 20, 2003 Posted November 20, 2003 yeah that's right, it must be the parent's fault Quote
scrambler Posted November 20, 2003 Posted November 20, 2003 No goddamn it, I'm not absolving him of any alleged criminal behavior. But isn't it a rush to justice by trying him in the court of public opinion before he is tried in a court of law? If that were true, then all arrests would result in punishment and we wouldn't need trials, only police. Quote
allthumbs Posted November 20, 2003 Posted November 20, 2003 yes, innocent until proved guilty - let's 'try' the media Quote
lI1|1! Posted November 20, 2003 Posted November 20, 2003 PLEASE AVOID EXPRESSING YOUR OPINIONS IN THE JOKE THREADS. THANK YOU. SHEESH. ******************** little tommy: hey mommy what's that hair between your legs? tommy's mom: oh that's my, um ,er, washcloth. ~ some time passes during which mom shaves the thing~ little tommy: hey mommy what happened to your washcloth? tommy's mom: oh i, um ,er, lost it. ~some more time passes~ little tommy: hey mommy i found your washcloth! the babysitter has it and she's using it to clean daddy's face! Quote
allthumbs Posted November 20, 2003 Posted November 20, 2003 lI1|1! said: PLEASE AVOID EXPRESSING YOUR OPINIONS IN THE JOKE THREADS. THANK YOU. SHEESH. fuck off douche Quote
Metalhead_Mojo Posted November 20, 2003 Posted November 20, 2003 A doctor says to his patient in his hospital bed, "I have some bad news and some good news." The patient says,"Give me the bad news first." "Well," says the doctor. "Your illness is so severe that we need to amputate both of your arms." The patient gasps in horror. "It is also necessary to amputate both your legs to limit further problems." The doctor says, "And to save your life we have to remove your tongue." Patient in bewilderment says, "No arms, no legs, no tongue, shit that is bad news! What's the good news?" The doctor with a smile replies, "See that nurse with the big tits and the tight ass......I'm fucking her tonight!" Quote
Metalhead_Mojo Posted November 20, 2003 Posted November 20, 2003 There was 2 gay lovers getting ready for work in the morning. One of them started jacking off with a condom on. The other one asked," What are you doing?" He replied, "Packing your lunch." Quote
Metalhead_Mojo Posted November 20, 2003 Posted November 20, 2003 A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!" Quote
Metalhead_Mojo Posted November 20, 2003 Posted November 20, 2003 A Muslim was killed in a car accident. He arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter says "I'm St. Peter. Welcome to Heaven". The Muslim says "Nice to meet you Peter but I'm a Muslim and I want to meet Muhammad." St. Peter says "Sure, no problem. Climb up that ladder behind you and you will meet Muhammad." The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top and there stands Moses. Moses says "Hi I'm Moses. Welcome to Heaven". The Muslim is very excited - "Moses, it's such an honour to meet you. But like I told St. Peter, I'm a Muslim and I really want to meet Muhammad". Moses says "No problem. Climb up the ladder behind you and you will meet Muhammad." The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top, and he can't see anything but bright light. He sees this figure before him and asks "Who are you?" The figure responds - "I am God. Nice to meet you. Welcome to Heaven". God walks over and shakes his hand. The Muslim is stunned - he can hardly speak. He says to God "Sir, it is such an honour to meet you - I can't believe it - this place is great. But I'm a Muslim and, no disrespect intended, but I really want to meet Muhammad." God says "Oh. You're here to see Muhammad. I see. No problem. Have a seat. Get comfortable. Can I get you some coffee or something to eat?" The Muslim says "I would love a cup of coffee" God yells into the kitchen... "Hey Muhammad. two coffees!" Quote
Metalhead_Mojo Posted November 20, 2003 Posted November 20, 2003 A RedNeck walked into a lawyer's office wanting to file for a divorce. The lawyer asked, "May I help you?" The RedNeck said, "Yea, I want one of those dayvorces." The lawyer said, "Well...do you have any grounds?" The RedNeck replied, "Yes, I got about 140 acres." The lawyer said, "No, you don't understand. Do you have a case?" The RedNeck said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The lawyer said, "You don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?" The RedNeck said,"Sure I got a grudge, that's where I parks my John Deere." The lawyer said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The RedNeck said, "Oh yes, sir, I got me a suit alright. I wears it to church on Sundays." The exasperated lawyer said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The RedNeck said, "No, we both get up at 4:30 in the morning." The lawyer then said, "Well, is she a nagger or anything?" The RedNeck said, "No she's a white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce." Quote
Scott_J Posted November 20, 2003 Author Posted November 20, 2003 Metalhead_Mojo Joke # 3 was the best hahahahaha Quote
troubleski Posted November 20, 2003 Posted November 20, 2003 A tiger is rolling a joint in the middle of the forest. As he gets ready to light up, a rabbit comes hopping along and says, "Hey tiger! Why do you need to smoke pot! Come running through the forest with me - it's much better!" ...The tiger looks at the joint, looks at the rabbit, and throws away the pot and follows the rabbit, running through the forest..... The two come upon a gorilla who is getting ready to blow a couple of lines. The rabbit says, "Gorilla, be free with us and run thru the forest! No need to get blitzed on drugs!" The gorilla looks at the cocaine and decides to follow the rabbit and the tiger running through the woods..... The rabbit, tiger and gorilla come upon a lion who is getting ready to shoot up some heroin. The rabbit says, "Lion, put down that needle! Come and be happy with us!" The lion sets the needle down and proceeds to beat the shit out of the rabbit.... The tiger and gorilla say, "Lion, why are beating up that rabbit! We are having a good time with him." The lion says "Fucking rabbit always has me running through the whole damn forest everytime he does ecstasy." Quote
cracked Posted November 20, 2003 Posted November 20, 2003 Metalhead_Mojo said: A RedNeck walked into a lawyer's office wanting to file for a divorce. The lawyer asked, "May I help you?" The RedNeck said, "Yea, I want one of those dayvorces." The lawyer said, "Well...do you have any grounds?" The RedNeck replied, "Yes, I got about 140 acres." The lawyer said, "No, you don't understand. Do you have a case?" The RedNeck said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The lawyer said, "You don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?" The RedNeck said,"Sure I got a grudge, that's where I parks my John Deere." The lawyer said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The RedNeck said, "Oh yes, sir, I got me a suit alright. I wears it to church on Sundays." The exasperated lawyer said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The RedNeck said, "No, we both get up at 4:30 in the morning." The lawyer then said, "Well, is she a nagger or anything?" The RedNeck said, "No she's a white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce." Quote
Metalhead_Mojo Posted November 20, 2003 Posted November 20, 2003 Q. What do Michael Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common? A. They both have little boys pants half off. Q. What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire? A. He drowns. Q. What's the first thing a woman should do when she leaves the woman's shelter? A. The dishes, if she know's what's good for her. Q. What do anal sex and spinach have in common? A. If you were forced to have it as a boy you're going to hate it as an adult. Q. What do you do after raping a deaf, dumb and blind lady? A. Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone Q. What does a Jewish pedophile say? A. Hey kid, wanna buy a piece of candy? Q. What is worse than a dead dog on your piano? A. An infected pussy on your organ. Q. What's 12 inches long and stiff in the morning? A. Crib death. Q. How can a man tell if his wife has died? A. The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up. Q. Why did God create yeast infections? A. So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt. Q. Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz 2 Men? A. He thought they were a delivery service. Q. Did you know why there was only one black crew member on Challenger? A. They didn't know it was going to blow up. Q. How does the redneck mother know when her daughter is having her period? A. Her son's dick tastes funny. Q. How do you know if you have a high sperm count? A. Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows. Q. What do you do when your dishwasher breaks? A. Kick her in the ass and tell her to get back to work. Q. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? A. Nothing, the bitch has already been told twice. Q. How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None, let the bitch cook in the dark. Q. What does a redneck call safe sex? A. Marking the sheep that kick. Q. How many L.A.P.D. police officers does it take to beat the hell out of a gang member? A. None, he fell down. Q. What is better than winning a gold medal at the special olympics? A. The ability to walk. Q. What did the pedophile say when he was released from prison? A. "I feel like a kid again." Q. How do you know when a redneck is on her period? A. She's only wearing one sock. Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries. Q. What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? A. He wiped. Q. What is the definition of a redneck virgin? A. A seven year old that can run faster than her brothers. Q. How many men does it take to open a can of beer ? A. None, it should be open by the time she brings it to the couch. Quote
layton Posted November 21, 2003 Posted November 21, 2003 WARNING. DO NOT READ THESE if you are even the slightest bit offended by awful things. I didn't make them up, and am shocked and horrified that they are concidered humor. The only reason I post these is for historical significance and real life Mountain Guides told me them so they are climbing related. Seriously, some of these jokes will probably offend you and may be illegeal. the above special olympic joke was very offensive. it should have read. Q. What's better than winning a gold medal at the special olympics!!!? A.Not being retarded A pediphile and a little boy walk hand-in-hand into the woods near dusk. The little boy turns and says, "I'm scared!" To which to pediphile responds, "You're scared? Shit, I've got to walk out of these woods ALONE tonight!" Q:How do you make a girl cum twice? A:Who cares. Q:What's the best part about doing a twelve year old boy in the shower? A:Turning him around so he looks like a twelve year old girl. Q:What's the best part about doing a twelve year old girl in the shower? A:Slicking her hair back so she looks like a twelve year old boy. Q:How do you know your roommate is gay? A:His dick tastes like shit Q:What's the hardest part of carving the Thanksgiving turkey? A:Telling your parents you're gay. Q:What's the hardest part about doing a 3 year old? A:Getting the blood off the clown suit. Q:How do you make a 3 year old cry twice? A:Wipe your bloody dick on the teddy bear. Q:What's the difference between God and a mountain guide? A:God doesn't think he's a mountain guide. Quote
EWolfe Posted November 21, 2003 Posted November 21, 2003 Jesus, Mike. All that cadaver work is making you insensitive. Quote
layton Posted November 21, 2003 Posted November 21, 2003 MisterE said: Jesus, Mike. All that cadaver work is making you insensitive. Told ya not to read them. Quote
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