The past day has been one of the scariest of my life. It all started when a present from an anonymous admirer arrived in the mail. Inside was a brand new computer!
I was beside myself in excitement. As my old computer was having problems, I immediately threw myself at destroying it with my skillsaw. I'll be the first to tell you that destroying a computer with a skillsaw is not the way to go about it. Also, if you do decide to use a skillsaw for this task, I recommend that you first unplug the computer. After learning this lesson, I discovered that it was just as easy to dispatch the rest of my computer with a sledgehammer. I also recommend unplugging the computer for this task as well.
Next I eagerly unpacked my new computer so that I could join my best friends at cc.com. I nearly wet myself when I saw this new computer was completely wireless, and was a snazzy red color!
I following the instructions for booting up, but try as I might, I could not get online! The enclosed documentation for my new computer was atrocious:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create an empty New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I Exit without Saving?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch documents in the middle of my work?
A: Stop shaking it.
Shake as I might, the damn thing would not pull up cc.com. Luckily, I have some friends who are very technically astute, so I called up the Alpine Brothers, AlpineDave and Alpinfox (he doesn't know how to spell "alpine", but don't let that fool you! I've seen him outwit a whole box of rocks!). They arrived on the scene and quickly deduced the problem. My new wireless computer wasn't getting a signal because I was down in the basement! After a little experimentation, we realized that we need to setup a rigging to hoist me and my computer up in the air high enough to get a decent signal. Luckily, my friends know a thing or two about riggings and ropes, so we came up with a plan. The 40-to-1 system required to hoist my fat arse up in the tree worked brilliantly, but unfortunately the tree did not. About 3/4 of the way up, the poor thing snapped like a matchstick, sending me and my new computer tumbling down to the ground. I pulled through thanks quick thinking and a bottle of tequila administered by the Alpine Brothers, but unfortunately my new computer did not. No matter how much I shook it, the damn thing simply would not reboot. So there I was, no computer, no cc.com. As this reality sunk in, I went from shock, to the shakes, to spaztication.
I really don't know what happened after that. I remember a vision of a cupcake floating in the air, and it was chased by a dorrito, which was in turn chased by a clown. They swirled around faster and faster, and I heard voices talking about taking me to Bellevue, which is great because I love hanging out at Bellevue Square and eating at the food court there. But when I woke up I found the Bellevue was actually a nice hospital. And this brings me to this happy ending: they have a computer I can use here. And, they let me download the Internet to the computer. This computer is the good kind, the kind with wires. At it isn't that lameass red color either, its a nice safe biege color.
Anyway, thanks for those of you that were concerned. And if you have a time, come on by Bellevue and visit me.
