Mitch Hedberg:
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."
Steven Wright:
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Others?