Dr_Flash_Amazing

Hey, they have the Doctor's picture! Righteous!

This problem is easily skirted altogether by climbing at Smith Rock, where your project is going to be mobbed by hordes of slavering stick-clippers regardless of how many or how few people you notify of your intent. It's beautiful, really, like the uniqueness of snowflakes or the Golden Section.

Dude, you're fucked. Soulless trash of questionable worth. Pull your head out, man.

Got you brainwashed too, eh? It always starts so innocently with Mr. Plorer. One minute you're hearing the words "you do much trad climbing?" the next thing you know you're reciting lines from old Chouinard catalogs, cutting off your painter's pants so they don't block your view of your Fires, and throwing sport climbers' stick clips in the Crooked. Then one day, as you work feverishly to sew a new "Don't Mess With Texas" patch on your klettersack, you wonder where the years have gone, what you're doing living in a van full of piles of 8-mil cord and rat-trap hexes, and why Tex always makes you wear the pink headband when you hit the crags. And then it hits you, like a dropped aid rack from the 15th pitch of Iron Hawk -- the strange hallucinations, the headaches, that white powder that's always in the bottom of the water bottles Tex always kindly fills up for you ... That bastard's been keeping you captive; hypnotized by a ubiquitously droning soundtrack of 'Freebird', strung along with promises of some elusive first free ascent down in "the Valley", slave to his every loathsome offwidth-slogging whim, and on top of that, the cocksucker's been putting chalk in your damn water!

Oh, forget it, you're clearly punk as fuck.

Whassamatter, Nazi Moderator? You can't handle the spray or something?

Yeah? So then what's your excuse for letting Texplorer into your sphere of acquaintances? Next thing you know, the rugrats are going to be soloing SmithMud and spouting off quotes from has-been climbers.

Awww ... just like a little Cain and Abel!

Descending forum? Shouldn't you REALLY be pressuring him for descending testicles? Truly, your life will be SO much more complete!

Hey, that WAS an interesting article! Read it twice, matter of fact. Actually, DFA has only been reading periodicals lately, but with 4 subscriptions coming in, plus the weekly news rags, it keeps a fella busy enough.

Fuck that chop-and-carry routine. Chainsaw and a faucet and you just saved yourself hours of menial labor. Apply saved time to vertical crimper-pimping and dynamic pocket stabbitation. BZZZZAT! First two Castaneda books were good fun/funny reading; shit went downhill in #3. Don Juan had it going ON. River Why was good. Better to read about someone doing their own self-help/life-change thing in a very immersive way than to sit around pretending you're doing it yourself. And whoever was shit-talking Joy of Cooking is an idiot. How you gonna cook without Joy of Cooking? It's ALL in there! Although you can't go wrong with The Best Recipe cookbook from the Cook's Illustrated people. They got it going on. Can we get a shout-out for Vonnegut? "See the * fly the airplane!" "You can take a flying fuck at a rolling donut!" "Ting-a-ling, you son of a bitch!"

Hey, didja ever get around to upgrading the hi-fi? Give the audiophiles something to drool over, eh? Spill it.

What, you think you're hardcore now 'cause you bought a Blink 182 t-shirt at Hot Topic and you've got the Drive-Thru records comp stuck in your car CD player?

Reading guidebooks is great. The CG to SW by AW has been read so many times, but every time it's like "oh, forgot about that route, and hey, what about this line over here?", and pretty soon you've got a list of good shit to check out. And it helps you remember all the routes you did, the killer season you had, the day you racked up a couple great onsights, the route that bouted you so long ago and you want to get back on ... just stirs up that climbin' part of yer brainz. Hitting the gym with a motivated crew is great. Nothing like a few people making up problems, figuring out beta, sending, then making up harder problems, cheering each other on, and all that. Or better yet, hitting the crags with same posse. You can always drag out the climbing vids you've seen twenty times. Watching Sharma flash V12 like he's on a ladder or Yuji sending Kryptonite ... inspiring. Or flipping through the stack of climbing mags and finding a good feature that got you stoked a while back (that Beth Rodden piece in the last issue of Climbing was good). Then when you're good and fired up, rolling to the crag with some good discs spinning. If you're like DFA, you've got some that just remind you of climbing, or just get you stoked in general (give it up for Fugazi/13 Songs, HWM/No Division, Pennywise/Full Circle, Avail/pretty much anything, Slow Gherkin/Shed Some Skin ... the list goes on). Then you fucking jump out of the car and grab your pack and charge down the trail, just fuckin' screaming your lungs out, jumping up and down, running back and forth at the base of the crag like a dog chasing chickens, fuckin' body-check your partners and knock 'em down, then just solo the warmup route in your approach shoes with your pack on, continuing with the raucous screaming, and ... shit, are you stoked now? ARE YOU?! HUH? HUH? ARE YOU FUCKING STOKED?!! GOOOOOOO!!!

It's got bolts on it, homo, thereby it iz a route. And anyway, the start's solid 5.9-.

Local: The PRG PNW (Spring/Fall): SmithMud, baby Winter: Red Rocks (break out the tanning butter!) Summer: Maple MUST ... ESCAPE ... THE WEST ... MANY CRAGS ... BACK EAST ... BECKONING ... GRRRRRR!!!

What the hell; a send is worth a thousand words.

Ain't never been on the Aggro Monkey, so it's hard to say. And Full Heinous? You can keep your 60-foot, eat-a-Clif-Bar-and-drink-a-quart-of-water-in-the-air whippers, hoss. Not to mention fuck you, nothing beats Chain Reaction. It is the coolest rock climb on the damn planet, ya hear?

Fear and Loathing at Red Rocks - so steep, so fun, so many buckets! Pure jug-hauling enjoyment right there. Chain Reaction - does this one need to be explained? No. Kill the Hate - The 2nd coolest route at Smith, and DFA's first .13a (aww, sentimental value!) Tons of killer moves, though, and stellar position, not to mention it's all natural, too! How 'bout Outer Space for trad things. Too much good climbing with great position on killer rock with bomber gear, oh yeah! Boulder-wise, Scary Monsters at Joe's Valley stands out. Gotta love those full-value topouts! Ooh, and Frosted Flakes was fuggin' killer, too. Wicked cool slash/crack features, and another highish topout. There's probably more, but who can remember?

Another vote for the Quickwires! Can't beat those pre-assembled BD draws with the Enduro straight gate ('cause who the fuck needs a fancy-ass straight gate?) and Quickwire on the clippy end. Wiregate goodness at a pedestrian price; 's all ya need, baby!

Bring your Depends...we goin' to the sky!!

What, you lose your grip and hit your head on the coffee table? Clench harder next time, nancy-boy!

Current forecast is for a high of 50 both days, although they're still calling for scattered showers. Should be pretty choice, really. See you suckaz on the tuffy!

Trask, time to hop on the plunger for your turn at the Fairweather Workout! And don't come down 'til your eyes are buggin' out of your head!

*ahem* Kinda hard to remain anonymous when you've got an instantly recognizable name and are known in numerous fields the world over.