stinkyclimber

For ski touring in the Coast Range, I have 35m of 7mm accessory cord. 5mm prussiks seem to work fine, esp using a Klimhiest (sp?) knot (I have 3 sets for partners without thin enough prussiks of their own). The strength ratings are all within reason. I wouldn't take this setup to Alaska/Yukon, or perhaps even Rainier, but for ski touring in the Coast Range, it is awesome - it fits into a stuff sack a little bigger than a 1L nalgene.

Will Chilliwack adopt you? Perhaps you need to move that sofa out onto your front porch first (to join the 1981 Dodge Dart up on blocks, the rusting fridge and pile of old tires sitting in your yard). You already have the dope thing going in your favour. It'd be a cinch.

I believe they also harvest the penises (perhaps "peni" is plural for penis?...or just "dicks") that they ship to Asia as an aphrodisiac. Now that is some

That's nothing. I have tried 4 fucking times (or maybe 5?), spread over a good 10+ years! Arghh. It's a pansy trip anyways...

I am sure Don will respond, but my reading of his post is that MEC should focus on producing high-quality goods INSTEAD OF lowest-price goods...and that means you increase the margin to pay for the R&D needed for high-quality. So, the gear will cost a little more, but it will be better value. Good value versus lowest price. But you can't have both cheap and good.

I dunno, Don....your "long-winded" post seems a very concise, extremely well informed and argued (not to mention empassioned!) rationale for getting you onto to the Board! Look at Jean Charest - he didn't want to move out of federal PC party to take up the fight for the provincial Liberal party (you think the MEC Board is "unbalanced and egotistical"...imagine Quebec politics!), but the public virtually demanded it of him as the man to save Canada from within Quebec. Maybe YOU are the man to save MEC?! Perhaps a national campaign is needed to conscript Don into running as a candidate!? So far, you have votes from gourd, Tomtom and me. Who else?

I agree with all you wrote, Don. Pretty much the conversation I was having with the CEO, whatshisname, and the letter I wrote to the Chair. I do appreciate Gord's and other's continued efforts at keeping a focus on non-hatchet-worthy activities, but I do agree that Gord and others can work their asses off to maintain some congruency with MEC's mission, but if senior management, the Board and the formless mass of members think and do otherwise, there is little hope. But it is not a forgone outcome. I'd say again to everyone: - communicate your concerns to the Board and the CEO; - VOTE in Board elections (less than 5% of members do), and vote for people who look like they actually participate in self-propelled wildnerness activities - consider running for the Board yourself; - thank and encourage staff like Gord. (i.e. whining on this bbs about chopsticks won't do it...although I laughed when I first saw that shit in the catalogue too) PS - thanks to you, Don, for fighting the good fight all those years from the inside. Have you ever thought of running for the Board?...you know, forget about toiling under The Man, and actually become The Man! I'd vote for you, as would all owners of your Wadd and Coast Ice guides...which is probably more than all who voted in the Board elections last year!

You are right, Gord. But speaking for me, personally, the information you have shared has reassured me hugely. Thanks for that, and thanks for doing a great job at helping MEC stay focused on its "core" users.

Now might be the time to mention this stuff to the MEC Chair - remind her that you don't see the gear in the new catalogue they said they would replace with the passing of Serratus. They need to know that members care about this...otherwise, the urban-recreation-SUV-assault types who vote with their wallets by buying the MEC Flux daypack ("A slick city-living pack that easily totes a small lunch and extra fleece when you’re day hiking") and other bullshit will win, and we will end up with awesome book bags and no climbing-specific gear.

Q) What is the difference between investment bonds and a mountain guide. A) The bonds will eventually mature and earn money. Q) How do you make a small fortune guiding? A) Start with a large one. Q)What's the difference between a mountain guide and a large pizza? A) The pizza can feed a family of four. Q) What do you call a guide with out a girlfriend? A) Homeless Q) What's the difference between God and a Mountain Guide? A) God doesn't think he's a Mountain Guide.

EC and I once signed Dru and Messner into the Mt. Robson climbers log book in the ranger station for an Emperor Face attempt. This was back in the day when the ranger provided a summary of all Robson climbs and attempts in the CAJ. We were going for the entry, "Messner and young, unknown BC coastal climber made a July attempt on notorious E-Face, but failed on approach", but unfortunately that was the last year they provided CAJ summaries. Oh well.

Actually, I think they do. And I am not joking! Ask Dru...

Thanks for the observation from an "outsider" (altho is you are a member, even a Yank(!), then you are in insider!) - my concern is based almost wholly on the REI experience...the WalMartization of outdoor equipment retailing. And there may not be anything wrong with that model (although obviously I am not supportive of it, but that is not the issue here), but it IS an inappropriate business plan for MEC to follow if they also want to claim that they are holding true to their mission. And if they want to go that path, fine, but as you say, let the membership decide by having an open debate that ends in a vote to amend the mission and change the Memorandum of Association. Oh, and hey Jordop, forget the pod pack thingy...go with the vastly more stylish Presto Slingpack.

Check http://www.dave-stephens.com/iceclimbing/iceclimbing.htm and http://www.gravsports.com for most of those Rockies ice routes that you have listed. All the Canadian alpine routes/areas (and even the Chief), and some of the N. Cascades that you have listed are on Bivouac.com, aren't they? If you aren't using them for profit, and you don't tell anyone, it shouldn't be a huge problem using them.

Hi Gord, Thanks for your input. I was hoping that you'd wade in with your unique and well-backed perspective. On pack pricing, I only quickly looked at the Alpine 85 (which I have and know) and the Alpinelite pricing, and then looked at similar sized packs by Dead'Bird and Gregory. The Dead'Bird Bora packs come in at $360-400ish. I admit that the Gregory is only $30 more - not much of a different (altho that pack is all tricked out to shit). Of course, the Serratus Condor is still less than $200. Anyway, I don't want to get into a debate over pack pricing...I don't doubt that MEC-labelled, off-shore produced packs based on existing Serratus designs will be cheaper and better. After more discussion with others (like you!) and thought, I don't even disagree with that strategy. I think my main concern remains, and it is certainly reflected in all of my communication with MEC management, the growing disconnect between MEC's mission, especially as is embodied in the Memorandum of Association, and its practices. If MEC wants to change its focus, fine - but lets debate it rather than let it happen by stealth. I know MEC's first goal must always be to operate in a way to remain solvent. But does that justify building more stores, in more markets, to overwhelm all other comers? Does that justify selling car-camping sleeping bags and travel backs and book-bags and fashionable clothing to grow market share? If MEC can't remain solvent and hold true to their mission, then it seems to me that either MEC should restate its mission, or close. And I am not suggesting that MEC is already incongruent with its mission - it is still quite a unique, progressive retail operation that serves its core constituency amazingly well. However, my experience in the NGO sector suggests to me that "mission creep" is happening at MEC - something that can transform an organization without anyone noticing until it is too late...and then you can be stuck with an entity that you didn't intend to create, and are unhappy with. I absolutely agree that I don't want to see MEC employees, especially the most experienced, skilled ones, laid off to subsidize lower priced equipment. That is pretty much the gist of my letter - how far do you sacrifice your mission to profit and growth? Do you open new and larger stores and carry more and broader inventory, but lay off key technical staff, or do you stay smaller, more focused and pour surpluses into superior gear design and excellent technical advice to customers? I simply want to open discussion on what I perceive to be mission creep - an slow, but steady movement away from its stated core mission to design, manufacture, purchase, sell and rent products for self-propelled wilderness oriented recreational activities. If my perception is wrong, I will accept that. But if my observations ring true to some, then I would like to see the issue debated and confronted more openly by the Board. If the Board and members agree to modify MEC's mission, fine, I accept the democratic process. What I don't accept without a fuss is drastic change without debate in what is a member-driven organization. One last thing: Dru, I suggest you try the MEC Presto Sling Pack - it looks like it won't interfere with your helmet at all. Plus, it will show off your manly chest. See ya, Mike

Maybe to do with US exchange rate. A good time to buy Camalots - when the dollar falls back to 68 cents, they will cost more! Anyhow, it does seem a bit weird.

I have an old Sierre Designs tent and all the poles are so old that they are splitting one after the other, every time I go out. The result is that I am replacing poles very often and even carry extras on trips (cheaper than buying a new tent - the fabric is still holding out). Anyway, I bought a pipe cutter at the hardware store for about $8 to facilitate all this repair work. Totally worth it for making quick but clean cuts that won't weaken the pole or snag on your tent. $8 and it will last a lifetime...and won't take up much room in your tool box. Internet/Catalog # 166130 at Home Depot Big Box Hellhole

And don't forget, Dru, that a few pitches earlier, I found that barely stuck green Alien on easy fourth class ground. I wonder if it was the same party. My wife is still using that nice blue Patagucci jacket from that score. You still using the NF down jacket?

[WARNING: SEMI-IDEOLOGICAL RANT...] In a follow up to the open letter from the Chair (posted above), see below for a letter I sent to MEC in reply. The CEO has emailed asking to chat some more about this issue. For those who don't want to read the entire text, the gist of my argument is that MEC is increasingly focusing on selling Starbucks-urban-outdoor-chic wares - a focus that is contrary to their mission. I suspect that closing Serratus makes good sense, but I suggest in my letter that it is symbolic of the deeper problem - the disconnect between MEC's current business plan, and its Memorandum of Association (the legal document governing the co-op's purpose). For climbers and the like, MEC's move away from its traditional purpose spells bad news in the long run. For all those who shop at MEC rather than REI, here is a tip: MEC is quickly becoming REI. Albeit, this may be better than many other retailers, but it isn't nearly what it could be and has been in the past. MEC is a member driven cooperative, and many may disagree with my perspective on this, but I just wanted to get my comments on the record with MEC's leadership. Add your comments and send them to MEC if you want, as well. Flame away. (I will let you know what the CEO has to say after I meet with him on this) ----Letter to MEC Board---- Dear Linda, I read, with interest and concern, your open letter sent earlier this month concerning the Board's decision to close Serratus products. I recognize and applaud all of the great and innovative, progress work that MEC has done to date. And I very much respect your volunteer commitment to the position. I write this letter to continue challenging MEC to remain a leader not only in the retailing field, but in Canadian business as a whole. I appreciate that you and the Board spent considerable time deliberating over this decision. You had access to financial, production and HR information to support this final decision. I know that armchair quarterbacking like I am doing is frustrating. However, I believe that the Board’s decision demonstrates a growing disconnect between MEC’s leadership and its Statement of Values and Memorandum of Association, the latter of which is the legal charter for the organization. There are 13 pages of packs in your Summer 2004 catalog. Many of them are clearly designed to be sold for use exclusively or primarily in the city (for example, see the MEC Dragonfly - "designed for the urban assault specialist"; or the MEC Darwin, Socrates and Ridgemont; or the Pod SlingPack and Blurr Phantom; or the Blurr Agent; and finally, all the travel packs...and this list doesn't even include the non-technical fashion clothing that typically fills more than 30% of each store's floor space). You say in your letter that members are no longer buying expedition-sized packs like they once did. That is not surprising because your marketing and product selection caters strongly to those who would be interested in gear like that described above. I am sure this strategy is financially sound; however, it marginalizes the traditional member engaged in self-propelled wilderness oriented recreational activities, and more importantly, violates your Statement of Values and the “Cooperative’s Purpose”, as described in MEC’s Memorandum of Association. In your letter, you also state that Serratus brand products are not competitive with other, off-shore sourced offerings. Certainly, compared to MEC brand goods they are not competitively priced. However, MEC brand goods are typically a step down from Serratus in quality and design. Compared to Gregory and Arc'Teryx, more appropriate comparatives, Serratus enjoys a 30-40% price advantage. Admittedly, Serratus doesn't come with the brand recognition – and hence sales potential – that Arc'Teryx or Cloudveil but this should not be a driver of decision-making at MEC. MEC was founded because name brand climbing equipment was either too expensive or poorly designed. Although the design and selection of name-brand technical outdoor gear has improved exponentially, prices are still high, and there is still room for much improvement in design (witness the superiority and uniqueness of the Genie, embraced even by sponsored climbers such as Steve House and Joe Josephson). In your letter, you say that "running a manufacturing plant is not central to our mission," and that this fact contributed to your decision to close Serratus. Perhaps you need to re-read MEC's Memorandum of Association. Manufacturing is detailed as a core purpose of the co-operative. Certainly, engaging in manufacturing where the goods produced meet the other tests of your in Memorandum of Association and Statement of Values seems like an eminently supportable activity. In your letter, you say that “MEC is too small a player to reverse the global trend toward manufacturing outdoor gear and clothing offshore.” Yet, MEC has spent most of its life fighting to reverse trends in retailing, product source labeling, retail building construction techniques and so on. The MEC website proudly states that MEC wishes to become a “leader in social and environmental responsibility.” Where is the leadership in your statement that “MEC is too small a player?” MEC has done better in the past, and I think it can continue to do better in the future. And maybe that includes reversing “the global trend toward manufacturing outdoor gear and clothing offshore.” You and others may say to my diatribe, "sour grapes, if you don't like the decision, either run for the Board and change it, or shop elsewhere." However, I don't want MEC to change. I want it to remain true to its legally and morally constituted purpose which is to design, manufacture, purchase, sell and rent products for self-propelled wilderness oriented recreational activities. Your statement of values, and even more seriously, your Memorandum of Association, both refer to MEC's purpose as "designing, manufacturing, purchasing, selling and renting products for self-propelled wilderness oriented recreational activities" I should not need to run for the Board to protest a Board decision because I believe in MEC's purpose, and the Board should adhere to the principles of its purpose. I became a member of MEC because I believed in its Statement of Values and its legally described purpose as set out in the Memorandum of Association, and how these guide then the product offerings. I vote for Directors who I expect to adhere to the Statement of Values and Memorandum of Association. I am disappointed by the Board’s decision because of what it means to MEC’s mission. I am worried that MEC is turning into the Walmart of outdoor retailing, a Canadian REI, where fashionable goods are designed, marketed and sold predominately to members who do not participate in self-propelled wilderness oriented recreational activities. I am worried that MEC is actually feeding, rather than counteracting, an increasingly consumerist, image-conscious society where form wins over function, and where more equals better. I am worried that the Board and senior Management either no longer believe in, or are no longer even aware of MEC’s history, legal purpose or the needs of its traditional membership. I am worried that this issue was not publicized to members – a cooperative is based on transparency with members – either during the Board’s deliberations (of one full year, by your description), or after the decision was made. I challenge you as Chair, and the rest of the Board and senior Management, to think carefully about the purpose of MEC. There are other directions to choose from, ones which include Serratus but which may require slower or no growth in sales, revenue or product offerings. MEC was founded to fill a market niche by doing business completely differently. Selling more goods that are made by the lowest bidder, in more styles and colors, from more stores or from a fancier website is not much different than the way Europe Bound or Coast Mountain Sports run their respective businesses. Let’s try doing it a little differently again. And maybe that includes retaining ownership of a quirky manufacturing facility in Burnaby, BC. Sincerely, Michael Buda Member #263186-9

Here is some more info on the closure of Serratus - an open letter from the Chair of the Board. ------Letter from the BoD---------- Dear Friend, For the better part of a year, the Board of Directors has been wrestling with the future of Serratus, a small MEC-owned manufacturing operation in Burnaby, BC. We acquired Serratus in the early 1980s at a time when we couldn't get quality packs from other suppliers. Over the years Serratus attempted to make other products, including outdoor apparel like windsuits and fleece. These ventures did not succeed. By the early 1990s Serratus was still making expedition packs and had added PFDs and bicycle panniers. By the mid-1990s its business had begun to soften as member demand for expedition packs declined and competitors began offering a growing array of high-quality alternative products at prices we could not match. In 2001, Serratus revenues began to decline, and have declined every year since then. During the same time period, however, member demand for MEC-brand products has grown strongly. MEC-brand products now represent 54 percent of our sales; Serratus-brand products represent 2 percent. MEC's future lies in the MEC brand. Could we retire the Serratus brand without retiring the Serratus plant? Unfortunately not. Basically it's a small assembly operation which simply can't produce products of the high technical quality and low price of a number of large, state-of-the-art manufacturing operations, most of them offshore. Plus, it is increasingly difficult to source raw materials in North America, which adds to Serratus' cost structure. MEC-brand products, if made in the Serratus plant, simply wouldn't be able to compete in quality or price with goods made in overseas plants. Running a manufacturing plant is not central to our mission of providing our members with quality gear, at fair prices, made in a way that can make them feel good about owning and using it. Like it or not - and most of us don't - MEC is too small a player to reverse the global trend toward manufacturing outdoor gear and clothing offshore. Therefore, the Board decided to wind down the Serratus facility by January 31, 2005. We believe in encouraging made-in-Canada products. Before making this decision we carefully studied every alternative to closing the Serratus plant including selling it and targeting new markets. The Board took pains to examine every facet of this decision and to ensure that we got it right.In the end the only option that made sense was closure. All Directors, except one, Chris McNeill, supported this decision. Chris disagreed and has resigned his seat. In a democracy, honorable people can honorably disagree. MEC has been and always will be a leader in assessing the social and environmental practices of suppliers that manufacture MEC-brand products, both in Canada and abroad. Last year we inspected eight potential suppliers of MEC-label products and pursued business relationships with just five. We enforce our standards. We will continue to seek out Canadian products wherever possible. 57 percent of MEC-brand products are currently made in Canada. Be assured, MEC will treat the 28 Serratus employees generously and offer them every possible assistance in finding new employment. Please feel free to contact me, or any Board member, to discuss any questions you may have about this decision. Linda Bartlett Chair, MEC Mountain Equipment Co-op Remote Sales 130 West Broadway Vancouver BC V5Y 1P3

I think it says this right on the tube! However, it is still a good tip. Another tip: read all the small print of the instructions.

Umm, that is a website for skaters and snowboarders. Of course they are fucked up...that is part of the game. Just like how, judging by cc.com anyway, climbers are argumentative, opinionated, disdainful of others and quite crude....in short, fucked up. However, I'd rather be a climber than a skater - that is just too fucked up. Those guys must hate their 'nads with all that rail-sliding-and-then-falling-and-fully-bagging-themselves shit. Anyway, off topic....yes, Canadians like nuts , or, er, are nuts. Whatever. You must hate school and living here. Surrounded by nuts.

I think 2-3 folks is an easy fit. I had an '88 Subaru and it regularly fit 4 people with winter ski mountaineering gear for up to 5 days (including for trips from the Coast to the Rockies). Sure, it was tight, but more than doable. And the new Outbacks are bigger than the old wagons so it should be even easier (although the old ones, up to '88, had low range transfer cases for superior hill climbing and water-bar crawling ability!...and the front-end overhang was less than the Outbacks, also better for waterbars). I would buy an '88 Subaru in a flash if I could find one in mint condition...all the new wagons suck - too big, gas guzzlers, huge front overhangs, and full of stupid electronics that break down or freeze up.

Well, I thought they were funny anyway. There are two pieces below, each quite different. The two of them together is a little long, but worth the read. The second piece is a little more "British" in its humour. Hopefully they haven't already been posted - I did check. November 03, 2004 Concession Speech [Former candidate Adam Felber, flanked by his family and supporters, steps up to the podium in the bright autumn sunlight. Cheers and applause are heard.] My fellow Americans, the people of this nation have spoken, and spoken with a clear voice. So I am here to offer my concession. [boos, groans, rending of garments] I concede that I overestimated the intelligence of the American people. Though the people disagree with the President on almost every issue, you saw fit to vote for him. I never saw that coming. That's really special. And I mean "special" in the sense that we use it to describe those kids who ride the short school bus and find ways to injure themselves while eating pudding with rubber spoons. That kind of special. I concede that I misjudged the power of hate. That's pretty powerful stuff, and I didn't see it. So let me take a moment to congratulate the President's strategists: Putting the gay marriage amendments on the ballot in various swing states like Ohio... well, that was just genius. Genius. It got people, a certain kind of people, to the polls. The unprecedented number of folks who showed up and cited "moral values" as their biggest issue, those people changed history. The folks who consider same sex marriage a more important issue than war, or terrorism, or the economy... Who'd have thought the election would belong to them? Well, Karl Rove did. Gotta give it up to him for that. [boos.] Now, now. Credit where it's due. I concede that I put too much faith in America's youth. With 8 out of 10 of you opposing the President, with your friends and classmates dying daily in a war you disapprove of, with your future being mortgaged to pay for rich old peoples' tax breaks, you somehow managed to sit on your asses and watch the Cartoon Network while aging homophobic hillbillies carried the day. You voted with the exact same anemic percentage that you did in 2000. You suck. Seriously, y'do. [Cheers, applause] Thank you. Thank you very much. There are some who would say that I sound bitter, that now is the time for healing, to bring the nation together. Let me tell you a little story. Last night, I watched the returns come in with some friends here in Los Angeles. As the night progressed, people began to talk half-seriously about secession, a red state / blue state split. The reasoning was this: We in blue states produce the vast majority of the wealth in this country and pay the most taxes, and you in the red states receive the majority of the money from those taxes while complaining about 'em. We in the blue states are the only ones who've been attacked by foreign terrorists, yet you in the red states are gung ho to fight a war in our name. We in the blue states produce the entertainment that you consume so greedily each day, while you in the red states show open disdain for us and our values. Blue state civilians are the actual victims and targets of the war on terror, while red state civilians are the ones standing behind us and yelling "Oh, yeah!? Bring it on!" More than 40% of you Bush voters still believe that Saddam Hussein had something to do with 9/11. I'm impressed by that, truly I am. Your sons and daughters who might die in this war know it's not true, the people in the urban centers where al Qaeda wants to attack know it's not true, but those of you who are at practically no risk believe this easy lie because you can. As part of my concession speech, let me say that I really envy that luxury. I concede that. Healing? We, the people at risk from terrorists, the people who subsidize you, the people who speak in glowing and respectful terms about the heartland of America while that heartland insults and excoriates us... we wanted some healing. We spoke loud and clear. And you refused to give it to us, largely because of your high moral values. You knew better: America doesn't need its allies, doesn't need to share the burden, doesn't need to unite the world, doesn't need to provide for its future. Hell no. Not when it's got a human shield of pointy-headed, atheistic, unconfrontational breadwinners who are willing to pay the bills and play nice in the vain hope of winning a vote that we can never have. Because we're "morally inferior," I suppose, we are supposed to respect your values while you insult ours. And the big joke here is that for 20 years, we've done just that. It's not a "ha-ha" funny joke, I realize, but it's a joke all the same. Being an independent candidate gives me one luxury - as well as conceding the election today, I am also announcing my candidacy for President in 2008. [Wild applause, screams, chants of "Fel-ber! Fel-ber!] Thank you. And I make this pledge to you today: THIS time, next time, there will be no pandering. This time I will run with all the open and joking contempt for my opponents that our President demonstrated towards the cradle of liberty, the Ivy League intellectuals, the "media elite," and the "white-wine sippers." This time I will not pretend that the simple folk of America know just as much as the people who devote their lives to serving and studying the nation and the world. They don't. So that's why I'm asking for your vote in 2008, America. I'm talking to you, you ignorant, slack-jawed yokels, you bible-thumping, inbred drones, you redneck, racist, chest-thumping, perennially duped grade-school grads. Vote for me, because I know better, and I truly believe that I can help your smug, sorry asses. Vote Felber in '08! Thank you, and may God, if he does in fact exist, bless each and every one of you. [Tumultuous cheers, applause, and foot-stomping. PULL BACK to reveal the rest of the stage, the row of cameras, hundreds of unoccupied chairs, and the empty field beyond.] ----- Letter To America In the light of your failure to elect a human as President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1.! You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed! ". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often. 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize". 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American Stat! es will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead ! play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs. 7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Bec! ause we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day". 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Euro! pe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers. 11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself. 12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Donkey Piss", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will ! be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Donkey Piss". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion. 13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it). 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns or lawyers. The fact that you need so many lawyers shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you s! hortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your co-operation.

I am sure buried somewhere in the mess that is the Patriot Act, there is a clause that allows the Secret Service to fire tank shells at anyone who dares to publicly display their disapproval of the President. Even if I had the mind to, I wouldn't be lobbing ANY projectiles at the President given that there are hundreds of people in jail merely because of their citizenship or religion...egg throwing would give the Justice Dept a pretty solid case compared to those other ones!