Uncle_Tricky

Cascade Climbers are something to be wary of as you walk through the woods Cascade Climbers are a bold study in heinousness Cascade Climbers are a larger more obvious “nasty” and tend to grovel on lower slopes of mountains Cascade Climbers are a classic lovecraft groove with intellectual trimmings Cascade Climbers are practical models for the experimental study of mammalian parasitism Cascade Climbers are only about 35% accurate Cascade Climbers euthanasia is the just and humane thing to do Cascade Climbers are widespread and serious problem

On the 11 pm King5 News, they just reported that areas near Whistler in BC have received 25 FEET of snow in the last 48 hours. The thing was, it wasn't just a slip of the tongue. They repeated it twice AND had a graphic that also showed that BC had received 25 FEET of snow in the last two days. I'm skeptical.

Organic free range custom raised and butchered beef from Bill White in the Methow. Try his jerky.

There's some fairly nice but scattered granitic glacial erratics up on some of the ridges above the valley. Pipestone canyon has some of the coolest non-climbable rock formations around. (funky chunky loose conglomerate shaped into big hoodoos and caves)

We considered stopping by the compound just down the dirt road from the China Wall. Then we saw the sign at the end of his driveway: "Leave me alone and go away!" The sign had been meticulously lettered in a metal sheet using accurate, close-range gunfire holes to spell out the individual letters. We reconsidered.

The largest man made granite bouldering wall in Washington is is Okanogan County near the ghost town of Ruby. The China Wall is an old mill foundation built that stretches a total of 800 feet in six courses with free-standing sections 30 feet high. The series of terraces and walls were built in 1889 out of hand-hewn refrigerator sized chunks of granite. Truly an awe-inspiring piece of work. But it is on private property.

So Leavenworth is Bavarianized and Winthrop is Westernized. What's next you ask? Yakima, building on it's claim to be the "Palm Springs of Washington," is planning Palm Springization. They are importing 6 dozen palm trees, hoping that long term global warming will be sufficient to keep them alive. Yakima hopes to become the high-end destination for Washington's elite, complete with spas, world-class golf courses, and 4 star restaurants. In order to draw tourists, they are planning to hire various celebrities to mix and mingle in the town, and crews of faux paparazzi to pursue them. Walla Walla, location of the Washington State Penitentiary, is currently considering Incarcerationalization. The town hopes to draw tourists by redesigning itself as a maximum security prison. Strict dress codes would require all town residents and visitors to dress in jumpsuits. You could choose between traditional black-and-white stripes, or the new-school orange jumpsuits. Motels are remodeling to resemble cell blocks, and individual rooms will be realistic recreations of individual cells. Tourists would be randomly paired with other tourists, so each night you'd have a new "cell buddy." If you're into discount travel, you have the option of the "overcrowding special" where you get to share your two bed "cell" with a dozen other tourists. If you prefer peace and quiet, for little extra money, you can choose the "solitary confinement" room special. Restaurants are revamping their menus to include items like "The Last Supper Special" to honor the penitentary's death row inmates. Meanwhile, the Tri-Cities is implementing an ambitious plan to become the "Tijuana of Washington." According to the Tri-City Council, they hope to draw the Spring Break crowd from around the Northwest and beyond. They are changing the drinking age to 17, importing donkeys and hookers, and diverting their sewage system to dump straight into the Columbia River to provide a realistic aroma for their town's theme. In keeping with Tijuanaification, and as a supplement to the local economy, small time bribery and extortion of tourists is encouraged among city employees. The Tri City Council also considered a "Nuclear Downwindsvillification" theme. This included a plan to build an operating reactor is each town's town square, and dressing townspeople up as mutuants born from the waste sludge of nearby Hanford. This theme was shot down however, because it offended the existing nuclear mutants already living in the Tri-Cities.

Parking is not allowed. Anywhere. EXCEPT if you buy the new Kick Me In The Ass Urban Adventure Pass. These are available at REI. You may buy a day pass that allows you to park within the city limits for $6, or a specially-priced annual Kick Me In The Ass Urban Adventure Pass for $30. The proceeds from this pass go towards enforcement of the pass, which includes upgrading the meter maid's three wheeled golf carts to heavily armed black Hummers. The Parking Enforcement Division of the City of Seattle hopes to encourage compliance by a campaign of "shock and awe," which includes shooting up vehicles prior to towing them away and impounding them. Impounded vehicles can be reclaimed for $500 on the following Monday between the hours of 2 and 3 pm. While this is only a demonstration project, and you are not compelled to buy a Kick Me in the Ass Pass, the City of Seattle assumes no liability for cars destroyed by gunfire because they have no pass. Every pass sold is tabulated as a vote in favor of the Kick Me In The Ass Urban Adventure Pass Demonstration Project. Thank you for your compliance.

Lake Titicaca?

One vintage (1970s?) Chouinard hex (newly slung) is yours for the bargain price of only $105,000. As a bonus, I'll throw in a houseboat and live-aboard moorage slip for free!!! Click HERE if interested.

Yup, friends and allies don't come cheap!

The Trip Report Trip Report It was a dark and stormy night. I sat down at my Dell Optiplex GX1P to begin the arduous task of transforming my ascent of Classic Crack into a literary masterpiece worthy of inclusion in Climbing Magazine's Hot Flashes. The weather outside reminded me of the time Fred Beckey and I got weathered off Givler's Crack. Luckily, we were wearing Mountain Hardwear Sub Zero Hooded Jackets, which warded off hypothermia like eating a clove of garlic wards off hot chicks. I sat there for many hours, struggling mightily to overcome writer's block, which blocked my path to the heights of literary greatness like an inpenetrable thicket of slide alder and devil's club. My Dell Optiplex GX1P just sat there in front of me, like an inanimate object. I reminded myself that the road to success is always under construction, and Rome was not built in one day. Finally, like a long-overdue bowel movement, the words poured forth from me: It was a sunny spring day in the Icicle. The kind of day that seduces you into believing that every little thing is gonna be alright so don't worry bout a thing and be happy. The smell of the pine trees reminded me of how pines trees smell. It was just Lynn Hill and I, standing at the base of Classic Crack. We'd been told that nobody goes here anymore because it's too crowded, and sure enough it was so crowded that nobody but us was here. I looked up and appraised the route like June Cleaver might appraise an avocado in the supermarket. It looked tough as stale beef jerky, but you can't judge a book by it's cover. We'd heard it helps to have a third person to do the hauling on this route, but Jim Nelson had cancelled on us, so we decided on a light as a bee and quick as a feather ascent. I pulled on my BD Alpine Bod Harness and Lynn flaked out our Edelweiss Stratos 60m Dry Rope on the Black Diamond Super Slacker Rope Bag to keep it from getting dirty. I racked up, placing the largest (#4) of the dozen BD Camalots in the back, and working forward, with the smallest of the BD Micro Camalots and Colorado Custom Hardware Aliens in the front. On the left side, I racked a set of DMM Walnuts, each one with it's own Neutrino Biner, and a full set of Black Diamond Wired Hexentrics. Finally ready, I pulled on my Boreal Ninja Junior Rock Shoes. Lynn commented that I had a hungry look in my eyes. I told her that I had the eye of the tiger. No, she said, I had the kind of hungry look in my eyes that you get from not eating for a long time. I ate a Luna Bar (they were Lynn's!) and took a sip of Gatoraid Fierce. My thirst was quenched and now I felt like I had it in me. "Belay on?" I asked Lynn. "You're on belay," Lynn responded. "Climbing," I said, telling myself there was nothing to fear about this climb other than fear itself. "Climb on," Lynn said. I started up the menacing crack, which called for arduous jamming and highly technical footwork. No pain, no gain I told myself as I worked my way up to my first placement. Hanging tenuously by nothing more than a hope and a prayer, I fiddled a #2 Camalot off my BD Alpine Bod harness, and fitted it into the crack. Sweat poured off me like sweat off a bunch of fat Russians in a Finnish Sauna. "No guts, no glory" I thought, as I pushed higher. My right leg shook like a sewing machine from the mental and physical exertion. It's all in your head, I muttered to myself. I placed a BD Wired Hexentric and fought the overwhelming urge to yell "take," fearing that such weakness would mean exile from Lynn's Sierra Designs Hyperlight II Three Season Tent that night. I looked down at the ground far below, and had a sickening image of myself plunging down and splatting like a Hefty Bag filled with Progresso ChickenShit Soup dropped off the Space Needle. I generally avoid committment like I avoid hot tubbing with lepers. But in this case, I either had run it out, or fall to the ground--and out of Lynn Hill's good graces. I figured if it didn't kill me it would make me stronger. If nothing else, my fate could always serve as a useful cautionary tale to others. I sucked it up and ran it out, the sweat stinging my eyes like Drano, my brow glistening like nose hair after an asthmatic sneeze. After exiting the crack and working out the terrifyingly thin slab moves at the top, I clipped the anchor and let out an eerie unearthly howl, sort of like coyotes do when they howl at the moon. "I'm off belay," I said. "You're off belay," Lynn said, looking adoringly up at me. While she's a pretty good climber, she knows her limits. She broke out her Petzl Ascension B 17 Ascenders to follow and clean the heinous pitch. I'll admit that just watching this lovely vertical gazelle in action caused me to pitch a tent in my Prana Redpoint Shorts ($64 at REI) that would have made Barnum and Bailey proud. The End. P.S. I'd like to thank all the corporations that made this arduous climb and tedious trip report possible. I am currently accepting sponsorship offers.

I have a van. The disadvantage is that there's no trunk to lock stuff in. So I ended up bolting one of those metal lock boxes to the floor. I put all my valuable stuff in there, locked it, and promptly broke one key and lost the other. Now my valuable stuff is highly secure and totally inaccessible to anyone--myself included!

You can get the guide at Basecamp out door store in B-ham.

It's worth checking out. There are some bolted climbs, some mixed pro climbs and some cracks--one very obvious two pitch one in particular. A nice spot with good western exposure and nice views on sunny afternoons...

Changes in Longitudes, Changes in Altitudes By: Jimmy $1.99 Buffet 1977 We went Eastbound for a night of drinking And remembering all the climbs of the year All of the placements, the desperate situations Wonderin' where to they all disappeared But we didn't ponder the question too long With short term memory and a change of venue Met some cc.commers, drank a dozen pitchers And we wound up shit-talking all thru the night Chorus: It's these changes in longitudes, changes in altitudes Pub club never remains quite the same I heard someone sayin that we're just a sprayin But since we ain't climbing, the spray keeps us sane. Ignoring Trail Pass signs, getting tickets and fines Reminds us of the good times that've been Rainstorms and runouts, bushwacking and whiteouts Let's go back to the past once again If it suddenly ended tomorrow If we took a screaming groundfall We'd still remember the RPs and horsecock, snaffles and tiblocs Cause we've seen more funk than we can recall Chorus: These changes in longitudes, changes in altitudes Pub club never remains quite the same Thru all of the fighting and virtual smackdown excitement If we couldn't spray we would all go insane We think about granite when we're high on red wine But sadly we just dropped the whole rack Looks like another night on a ledge with my rope gun hooker I guess we'll have to make our own GU again Oh, but yesterday's over our shoulder So you can't look back for too long There's just too much to climb ,and not enough time but if you're following Beckey, you can't go too wrong. Chorus: With these changes in longitudes, changes in altitudes Pub club never remains quite the same With all of our drooling and solo dry tooling If we couldn't spray we would just go insane If we weren't already crazy we would all go insane.

Anyone need a ride, or even better want to give me a ride? Live near gasworks. PM me in the next 15 or 20.

Actually I think I've only rapped the NW face. We did the easy 5-6 pitch chimney route to the right, which I think is the SW one? But it looked familiar.

SW line on Kangaroo Temple?

E. Face Chianti Spire E. buttress SEWS Liberty crack Dreamer and a bunch of other Darrington stuff

Did you guys hear about the new poll? Over 50% of Americans now believe that some or most of the 9-11 hijackers were Iraqi nationals and that Saddam Hussein was a driving force behind the WTC bombings. This in contrast to earlier polls that showed that a plurality of the American public actually knew that most of the hijackers were Saudis and NONE were Iraqis. So in less than a year and a half, history as it exists in the minds of the American people has been rewritten. Despite (or should I say with the help of?) the non-stop media coverage, Bush has been able to pull a sucessfull "bait and switch" from Osama to Saddam, and Americans are less aware of the facts of 9/11/01 than they were even a year ago. Hey, in another 6 months, maybe 50% of Americans will believe that Saddam was behind the attack on Pearl Harbor? Who says propaganda doesn't work?

Herbabivyavore (hur-ba-bivy-a-vor) <noun> An herbivorous alpine dwelling creature that adapts to (un)planned bivouacs by torching copius quantities of herbaceous pasturage. See Rastaherbabivyavore (related species).

My Beckey red guide is currently awol--do you have it in front of you? Does he mention the cave?

Hey kids, I was wondering if anyone out there has any info on a feature up near Washington Pass. An old guy I know who lives in Twisp says he's heard people refer to it as M&M cave, but he's not sure if anyone has ever explored it. Let's say you're driving East on highway 20. After you cross Washington Pass and descend around the hairpin, you go maybe another half mile. There, if you look up and left towards the slide chutes and gullies that come off of Cutthroat Peak, you can see a big cave in the middle of a granite wall. The mouth of cave itself is maybe 30 feet tall and 50 feet wide--not sure how deep it is. There's a hanging grotto in the mouth of the cave, with some large trees growing out. It's probably a few hundred feet off the deck, and maybe 200 feet from the top. Anyway, I wonder if anyone has ever made it into this cave? It's such a neat looking feature that I wouldn't be surprised if someone has explored it. Not sure if there is a feasible route up to it, or if it might be possible to rap down to it from the top. ? Any info out there?

An exclusive CC.com investigation has revealed the shocking truth behind the cold reception Cascade Climbers received at the Blue Star. We have uncovered a trail of original email documentation that reveals the sordid details of an unimaginable conspiracy... ------- To: The management of the Blue Star Restaurant From: Summitpost.com Date: 1/14/03 10:46 am Re: The approaching storm Dear Sirs, It has come to our attention that a group felonious malcontents known as the Cascade Climbers are planning to gather at your establishment this evening. While at first they may appear harmless, they are in truth perverse, profane, malodorous and likely to skip out on the check. They will leave a wake of destruction that would make the raiding tribes of the Haida proud. Trust us. They have wreaked havok upon our virtual establishment, Summitpost.com, and they will wreak it upon yours. Have you ever seen the movie "Something Wicked This Way Comes?" Enough said. As responsible and upstanding citizens, we thought you'd appreciate the heads up. Sincerely, The concerned people of Summitpost.com. --------- From: The managment of the Blue Star To: Summitpost.com Date: 1/14/03 12:40 pm Re: The approaching storm Dear responsible citizens of Summitpost.com, Thanks you for the heads up about the Cascade Climbers. We are developing a plan of action that includes containment, strict beer quotas, and proactively hostile service. Yours in respectability, The management of the Blue Star --------- To: All Blue Star Employees From: Blue Star Management Date: 1/14/03 5:15 pm Re: Cascade Climbers Dear Blue Star Employees, It has come to management's attention that a group known as the Cascade Climbers is planning to rendevouz at the Blue Star this evening. This mere presence of this stinky, loud, ill mannered, and uncouth crew could be a major threat to our image as a cultured establishment with the best Lemon Spritzers in town. Not to mention our defenseless ferns. So as to minimize their disruption and hopefully dissaude them from ever returning to the Blue Star again, we have developed four point plan of action. 1) Isolate: Seat them as far back in the isolated back room as possible so they are out of the sight and smell of the rest of our paying guests. 2) Observe: Never take your eyes off them. Watch them like hawks. They may try to make off with silverwear or extra packets of sugar. 3) Ration: One pitcher of beer for every ten people per hour--NO MORE!!! If they try to order more, simply grimace in an annoyed fashion, say "coming right up!" and "forget" to bring them their beer. 4) Exit Strategy: At 10 pm, after a couple hours of (sort of) serving them with an appropriately unwelcoming attitude, cut them off, remove even their waters from the table, and demand that they pay their tab immediately or face prosecution. Include a manditory 25% gratuity. If they pay with cash, verify it is not counterfeit. Together, if we stick to our plan, we will weather the Cascade Climber storm and insure that this group of social lepers never descends upon our fine establishment again! Sincerely, The management of the Blue Star -------