joke 2

[allthumbs]

A woman recently lost her husband. Their marriage had been a very lousy one, and she was relieved that he was finally gone. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then she started talking to him, "You know that fur coat you promised me?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!" She then said, "Remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

Bending down low she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you? Well.... here it comes..."

[AlpineK]

If she lived in Georgia those might not be her husband's ashes

[allthumbs]

A husband and wife go off to bed. As soon as they

settle down, the man leans over and whispers softly

"Hey snuggle boopy boops, your little hubby wubby

isn't quite ready for nite-nite yet."

The wife takes the hint and says "OK, but I have

to use the bathroom first." So off she goes, but on

her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and

lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up

concerned. "Oh my little hunny bunny, is your

nosey-wosey all right?"

No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have

mad sex for two hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off

to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over

the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face

on the floor.

Her husband looks over and grunts, "clumsy bitch."

[allthumbs]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman."

The priest sighs. "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, 'tis I."

"And who might be the woman you were with?"

"I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Bridget O'Shanter?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Cathy O'Dell?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona Mallory, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But, you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend, Sean, slides over and whispers,"What'd you get?"

"Five more good leads"

[rodeo]

Only you Trask, only you.

(--Climb on,,,

[MysticNacho]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies...." Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Whoa look out! Its a smart blonde joke!

[Dru]

Are you tired of all those mushy "friendship" poems that always soundgood but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a "friendship"poem that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself!

Friend, when you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and help you plot revengeagainst the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile, ... I'll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried, ... I will tell you horrible stories about howmuch worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused, ... I will use little words to explain it to yourdumb ass.

When you are sick... stay away from me until you're well again. I don'twant whatever you have.

When you fall, ... I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath, ... I pledge until the end.

Why you may ask?because you're my friend!

Send this poem to ten of your closest friends and get depressed becauseyou realize you only have 2 friends, and one of them is not speakingto you right now anyway.

P.S. A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help youmove a body.

[allthumbs]

Chicken bone in throat A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the South. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone.

Buford Buck's 2 country boys in the next booth notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over, and then Buck starts licking his butt.

The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out she launches the groceries all over the place dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.

Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck "You're right that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm."

[allthumbs]

Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla, "How do you spell 'dumb'?"

Darla says, "D-u-m-b, dumb."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

She says, "Buckwheat is dumb."

The teacher says, "Now spell 'stupid'."

Darla says, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."

Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."

Buckwheat stands and says, "D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

"I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"