Pope's Confessional Is Now Open!

[pope]

GOOD SUNDAY MORNING. SOMETHING BOTHERING YOU? DID YOU STEP ON A PITON WHEN YOUR BUDDIES WEREN'T LOOKING? WHEN YOU RELATED YOUR LATEST FREE CLIMBING ACCOMPLISHMENT TO THE BOYS IN THE BAR, DID YOU OMIT THE PART ABOUT SNEAKING A REST FROM THAT FIXED SLING? DID YOU REHEARSE THE HELL OUT OF THAT BOULDER PROBLEM, ONLY TO LATER CLIMB IT IN FRONT OF STRANGERS WHO HAD NO IDEA HOW YOU COULD BE SO SMOOTH? HAVE YOU BEEN THINKING UNCLEAN THOUGHTS ABOUT KATIE BROWN? WERE YOU TEMPTED TO PINCH YOUR PARTNER'S LYCRA-CLAD BUTT AT THE BELAY STATION? DID YOU TALK YOUR GIRLFRIEND INTO LEADING YOU UP THAT SPOOKY PITCH THEY HAVEN'T RETRO-BOLTED YET?

Years ago, a young climber was telling me about his lead of a particularly difficult pitch up at Midnight Rock. He had apparently informed a number of people that he had "flashed" this route, and as I congratulated him on his accomplishment, he was overcome with guilt. He confessed to me that he'd put the pro in on rappel, and this confession seemed to do him a world of good, to finally be honest with me and with himself. In fact, several times after that, he'd tell me about some pitch that he'd attempted, and he was always careful to disclose exactly which move had given him difficulty, where he had to hang (seems like he said he had to "take"), etc.

Now, I don't know whether he was so honest with his buddies; I suspect that, being several years his elder, he saw me as sort of a father figure, and perhaps this is why he confessed to me all of his free climbing transgressions.

If you're feeling a little guilty about clipping chicken bolts, or about misrepresenting your free climbing conquests, I'm here for you. Each of us has been down that road, and the first step back to self-respect is confession. I can help, help you to understand how it's only human to be a victim of narcissism, how everybody is capable of pretending to climb grades he can't really handle. Come on now, let's hear about it. Raise your hand and say, "Guilty! Guilty!" Feels good, huh? When you're ready to talk, just click on to pope's on-line confessional. I'll be waiting.

[Dwayner]

Pope:

Sounds like you got a good service to provide. To answer your questions:

DID YOU STEP ON A PITON WHEN YOUR BUDDIES WEREN'T LOOKING?

Actually they WERE looking and asked me if it was comfortable to actually rest on or would they need to move off it quickly.

WHEN YOU RELATED YOUR LATEST FREE CLIMBING ACCOMPLISHMENT TO THE BOYS IN THE BAR, DID YOU OMIT THE PART ABOUT SNEAKING A REST FROM THAT FIXED SLING?

Which time? Can't remember, but probably not. How I climb a route is nobody's business as long as I'm not endangering them or acting in an environmental dubious manner. Oooh! I tugged on a sling! "Bailiff! Wack his pee-pee!" I suppose it depends on if the individual is some sort of pop-off big-mouthed braggard who is claiming a bunch of major scenarios but is really full of dog-doo. Then maybe someone could call the bluff. I really don't care that much.

DID YOU REHEARSE THE HELL OUT OF THAT BOULDER PROBLEM, ONLY TO LATER CLIMB IT IN FRONT OF STRANGERS WHO HAD NO IDEA HOW YOU COULD BE SO SMOOTH?

Hey, Pope! Ever been to UW Rock, Spire Rock, etc.? Those places are loaded with folks who got the whole dang place wired, and I would suspect that a few of them either don't climb elsewhere, or don't climb as well elsewhere. A few years ago I actually met a "Spire Rock Specialist". The guy could climb over that thing like a rhesus monkey on uppers but had never been elsewhere. Had to have an audience to perform, though.

HAVE YOU BEEN THINKING UNCLEAN THOUGHTS ABOUT KATIE BROWN?

Katie Brown? Is she legal now? uhhh....... Hey! Leave her alone; she's probably a very sweet young lady.

WERE YOU TEMPTED TO PINCH YOUR PARTNER'S LYCRA-CLAD BUTT AT THE BELAY STATION?

Talk is cheap. I just go ahead and pinch to get it outta of my system and then apologize if my climbing buddy objects. (They usually do but nevertheless understand the temptation.)

DID YOU TALK YOUR GIRLFRIEND INTO LEADING YOU UP THAT SPOOKY PITCH THEY HAVEN'T RETRO-BOLTED YET?

What girlfriend? Mountaineering is a GIRL-REPELLENT! From what I've been reading, you should know that, eh Pope?

- Dwayner

Running dry on the barley-pops. What time is it? Whoaaaaaa! Better shuffle off to the AM/PM for some refills!

 

[pope]

Ah for crying out loud Dwayner, quit boozing!

[This message has been edited by pope (edited 06-03-2001).]

[pope]

Mr. Pope,

I was getting a beer this morning and it was like God was trying to tell me something. As if guided by His divine hand, I went to the computer and read your words and....oh Pope, the guilt, the shame I've been hiding is shaking my very foundation. I can hardly function; I've been suppressing these emotions for so long. I simply must get this out in the open.

It started one day when I was leading a routine 5.9 climb out at Castle Rock. I noticed some gawkers checking me out and suddenly I felt the narcotic grip of being on stage. Those "gapers" got the show they'd come to see, as I chalked in the middle of the crux and threw a superfluous heel hook, then added a completely cosmetic cross-over move that left the audience gasping. None of this was necessary, but for just one moment, I was somebody special. It was like, for a moment, I was Chris Sharma.

From there, things got out of hand. I started creating opportunities for people to see the new me. I got a trendy, disgruntled-youth haircut, which I keep looking good by going to bed each night with wet hair. Got some baggy clothes, a girlfriend who climbs, and I started sport climbing. And I learned a whole new dialect..if you're going to be like Sharma, you'll have to talk like Sharma, or so I figured. I started collecting Sharma posters, even got one autographed, and when I hang from my finger board, I look at those posters and imagine that I am he.

I went so far as to get a Roto-Hammer...thought I'd add my own futuristic expression to the road-cut that is Exit 38...but as I put the drill to the stone, I began to ask myself whether this whole Wanna-be-Chris-Sharma thing hadn't gone too far, if messing up the rock was really necessary for my little fantasy/ego trip. I'm beginning to hate the person I've become...I just don't know who I am anymore or what I value. POPE! YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME!

[This message has been edited by jkassidy (edited 06-04-2001).]

[Lambone]

Hey Kassidy,

You sound more like Tom Cruse or Stallone to me!

Pope, to be honest with you, I french freed up most of Slow Children. The "off the couch" on-sight attempt scared me. I was afraid I'd run out of pro on the finishing moves. That mantle to the chains had me damn intimedated. I then did it on top-rope with no sweat. Now that I've got the gear figured out, that baby is mine!

I sort of on-sighted Thin fingers (your call). I tried to do it in one pitch, but got scared on the ledge in the middle. So I stood up in a sling off the bolt to slot a sweet TCU up above. Then I re-started the crux off the ledge, confident with good gear. It must have been Bovings ghost freaking me out! I won't lie, I was pumped as all hell on the upper hand crack, but ooooooh it's dope!!!!

Not to spray about myself, but you asked. And I need a break from homework.

[Guest]

I tell people Elvis is still alive.

[pope]

IAMBONE: I'm beginning to like you, young man. Sounds like you had yourself a fine weekend on some of Washington's best routes...oh, they might not have the biggest numbers attached, but as you found out, you get a lot of bang for your buck on these masterpieces. Bet you won't forget how much fun you had on these challenging climbs, because they've got the kind of character a clip-up will never possess. Let's see..uh, "Slow Chidden" is a pitch that thwarts some excellent climbers. It certainly helps to borrow every smallish TCU you can find and avoid this pitch on a hot day (probably 5.11 if it's hotter than 80F). Given that most people belay on the Thin Fingers ledge, I suppose your little trick isn't such a sin. Anyway, if you're happy with it, good enough. The point is that you've been honest with yourself and that's all that really matters. And don't apologize for reporting about your Thin Fingers success. Sometimes Pope wants to hear some good news in Confessional! I'm just happy that you found some dry rock at Index...I spent Saturday in the rain working on the yard.

JKASSIDY: You are messed up beyond belief, but where others stepped over the edge to a climbing career full of arrogance, illusion and self-absorption, you at least had the moral fiber to recognize that the rock is more important than your little Sharma fantasy. One step at a time, buddy. First, set up a toprope on a sport climb, then go back and lead it to convince yourself that the clip-up ascent is no more satisfying and hardly more challenging than the top-rope. Then go up and climb a truly beautiful route like S. Face of Prussik, followed by a tour of the sewer called Frenchies Coulee, to convince yourself that bolts are evil. Finally, get yourself a new role model like Big Lou or Bed Freckey. Don't forget to report back to me on your progress. May God be with you as you go this morning.

[Dru]

Hey Pope.

I'm willing to confess I got laid, drank wine, and climbed a mountain this weekend.

[jblakley]

Dear Pope,

I get somewhat aroused when driving through Ellensburg. Is this a problem?

Signed

Sheepish

[Doug]

Pretty good confessional. Looks like lots of forgiveness. Our parish priest would give 2 hail mary's for adultrey, 3 our fathers for blasphemy and oh yeah, 2 candy bars and a pop for oral sex.

[jblakley]

Was that Father 'Bad Touch' O'Sullivan by any chance Doug?

[pope]

Sorry guys, I had to help some choir boys get dressed. Now one at a time:

DRU: You've nothing to confess. I think you've got your priorities straight for a young man. Next time I'm up in the Great White North, I hope to sample some of your mountains, wine and maybe even your....oh, I guess we'll take one thing at a time. Be nice to the rock and spread the good news: even the most pathetic and contemptible sport dog can, with proper guidance, see the light.

JBLAKELY: It's one thing to be aroused by those pastoral creatures; it's quite another to try and score a phone number. Just keep your eye on the road boy, and aim the car for any dance club on International Boulevard by Seatac. They'll guide your footsteps toward the path to righteousness...just don't stop at any petting zoos or climbing gyms along the way (you might do something you'll really regret). Go and sin no more.

[This message has been edited by pope (edited 06-04-2001).]

[jblakley]

Abba is nothing. For the real hard cases I reserve the Bay City Rollers. Here is a trancrition from one of those penance sessions: "S..A..T..U....R....DDDD!!! <screaming> NOOOOOOO! Shoot me!! Shoot me godamm it!! <unintelligable gurgling sound>..." As you can see it's not pretty.

[Dru]

Abba will have to wait until I go through my Boney M vinyl collection a few more times. As for pope he hasn't piped up much today, maybe he joined the moonies like that african bishop and is consummating it with a new bride

[pope]

CHARLIE: How you treat your "wimin" is your business...unless you climb with them, in which case you're doing irreperable damage to our noble tradition. If the broad in Curry Village continues to buy your B.S., it's probably 'cause she needs that kind of drama in her life. If you weren't emotionally abusing her, the next guy would.

What I was hoping to hear is THE TRUTH ABOUT WHY YOU KEPT DONNA TOP-STEP'S UNDER GARMENTS IF YOU THINK SHE'S SO UGLY. It might be risky to wear them climbing....what if you had an accident and required medical attention? How are you going to explain that? I think you've got some questions to answer for yourself. You've strayed down an iniquitous path and when you're truly ready to repent for your deviance, then and only then can Pope lead you into the light.

ALEX: Occasionally one must meet with Him in the valleys, when the trials and tribulations of a busy schedule preclude mountain-top communion. Far nobler it is to tend to family and business than to dwell at a sport cliff and climb like a Judas.

DRU: Clothes do make the man...or the girl, in the case of Prana-clad fashion whores. Your penance shall consist of disrobing and soloing the Pipeline whilst Brian Adams serenades your bloody ascent.

[Guest]

Well, "Pope"! You're the last one I would expect to open a confessional, as you have plenty to confess yourself! I see that you finally admitted to crapping on your own mountain gear, and I see that you've been leaving little piles of your refuse on various ledges and summits wherever you roam. I suppose it's one way for someone as illiterate as yourself to leave your mark without having to embarass yourself by not being able to sign a summit register. Let me see....what else could the irreverant "pope" have to confess....I can think of a few things!!!!

- he has a poster of Lynn Hill on his wall and a secret scrapbook full of Lynn Hill articles. Pretty sensitive stuff for a guy who acts like girls don't belong in the climbing world;

- he has a fascination with female "starfish". Did I mention to you "pope" that most girls DO NOT like that? (Perhaps it's related to his crapping propensity and prowess). I began to wonder what side of the fence he was really standing on. All cats look gray in the dark, eh "pope"?

- he has an inferiority complex because he is UNCIRCUMSIZED! I told him to shut up or get it fixed. (P.S. "pope": I think you need a therapist AND a mohel.)

- he was hitting on my best friend Erika while he and I were "going out". Called her at work, asked her out to lunch, asked her to go to Exit 38 (now that's REALLY CLASSY!!) when I was out of town. How do I know this? Girls do talk to each other, "pope", and Erika was keeping me informed the whole time.

Lest anyone be confused, "pope" get's his nickname from the slime-ball secret agent in "The Eiger Sanction", not from the peace-loving gentleman who lives in the Vatican!

- Donna

P.S. Here's some advice to you, "pope", in the timeless words of Frank Zappa: "Wash up your pie!"

[Alex]

pope, I must confess....I didn't even climb this weekend!! What ever shall my punishment be..?

Sinfully, Alex

[Charlie]

[This message has been edited by Charlie (edited 06-04-2001).]

[This message has been edited by Charlie (edited 06-06-2001).]

[jblakley]

Well Charlie I'll of course let the Pope have the final say, but in my opinion the first part is only a minor transgression and requires no penance. Owning Prana and Ropegun clothing however is a mortal sin and your pitiful soul will surely rot in hell for all eternity for that one. Have a nice day :-)

[Doug]

I think that there is no hope for Charlie. He'll be smoking a turd in purgatory for all eternity. Just goes to show, clothes do make (or break) the man.

[Dru]

Why the harshness for prana stuff?? Ropegun is for posers but Prana makes some fine threads. I gotta nylon Prana ball cap, it is good for under the helmet on long sunny aid leads. Want some of their pants too.

What about metolius, they have a nice fashion line as well....

[jblakley]

Dru,

You've obviously been bitten by the Literal bug. One of the main symptoms is taking everything literally. Say 23 hail Mary's and sing an Abba tune of your choice while standing in your skivvies in front of your picture window at home. This is guaranteed to restore your sense of humor...or at least anyone bearing witness to this :-)

[Doug]

Hey Father Blakely, isn't this pope's confessional? Although, I do like your pentance.....Abba sounds more like punsihment.......

[Guest]

"pope"'s areas of confession-need continue:

And did I mention that next to his Lynn Hill wall shrine, "pope" also had an enlarged photocopy of this thing called "Manifesto" by Christian Griffith? Yup, the walls of his room (or should I say his mother's basement) were covered with such drivel. Mixed in with his Hill and Griffith hero materials were a bunch of running shoe ads with cryptic pseudo-inspirational messages. I can't recall what they all were (and no, it's not because I was flat on my back staring at the ceiling - a place I'm surprised that there weren't posters) but they were all this kind of weak self-affirmation stuff to the effect of "It is up to me to be me", "I seek challenge because that's who I am", "I live in the realm of 110%", etc. Feh! Surprisingly, given how moronic he typically behaves, he has actually finished college with a degree in Education. He must have taken the standard prescribed courses in classroom decoration because there were plenty of collages cut from the colorful pages of the climbing rags. Seems to me there were a lot of Sharma's and Katie Brown's cranking past bolts, but maybe he just liked their colorful clothing in an effort to brighten his dank quarters. Oh yah, and I also found a "stealth" picture of my best friend Erika changing out of her jog-bra. It was "hidden" as a book-mark in that Twight "Extreme Alpinism" book. Sounds like "Extreme Peeking" to me, "pope". Go figure! Just thinking about it makes me feel smudged and want to take a shower. (Not a good thing, however, to do if he's around!)

"pope"! Once again, you are pathetic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Dru]

Would "your friend Erika" be Erika Snyder by any chance?