[TR] The Post Office- Faux Bavarian Headache

[olyclimber]

A friend wanted to post this TR, but they got a little embarrassed, so I'm posting it for them. I've been told that this account is completely non-fiction. The names have been changed to protect the reputation of those involved.

 

Saturday night, "alpinvalupes" and I headed up to Leavin'worth with the sole purpose of getting a solid nights rest and getting up early to go climbing the next day. However, before turning in early, we were to meet "tenarmedcephalopod" and have a cup of diluted chamomile tea with him. It was an early Saturday night, but when we rolled into town Gustav's was shuttering their windows to close down for another chilly Bavarian night. "alpinvalupes" and I desperately searched the town for another purveyor of fine non-caffeinated teas, and at last we found a possibility: The Post Office. I know it sounds strange, but in Bavaria, their Post Offices are actually taverns too. The authenticity of that town is really incredible. We went in to review the list of non-caffeinated beverages while we awaited the arrival of "tenarmedcephalopod". Being as this was the only place that was open, we figured it would have to make do. Unfortunately they did not have any non-caffeinated beverages on tap this particular night except for beer. As good alpinists we knew that we had to "drink the beverages on the bars terms, not on our terms", so we bought a pitcher of non-caffeinated beer (so we were told).

 

As we made quick, efficient use of the pitcher, we looked around the place and quickly realized that something was amiss. Karaoke! Shit...we had to get out of there quick. However, rather than leave quickly without fueling up with the proper amount of non-caffeinated beverage, we ordered another pitcher. At this time a large contingent of women wearing party hats ascribed with the words "Happy Fucking Birthday" on them came marching in. At this point we were starting to get a non-caffeinated buzz going, and we lost track of where the exit door was.

 

Having never ventured into the strange underworld of Karaoke, I was presented with a feast of cultural data. The "DJ" started us off with a passionless and unenthusiastic ballad that I feel sure was an underhanded attempt to sing as poorly as possible in order to strike confidence in the whole room as far as their own "Karaoke Ability".

After this it is all a blur to me, but I'll try to relay bits I can remember. Suddenly certain species and sub-types emerged from the woodwork when that infernal machine was flipped on. The dominate species seemed to tend to wear cowboy hats and sing modern country songs with uncanny vocal ability. This is obviously their night to shine, and you can tell that hours and weeks and years of preparation have gone into it. They work the crowd, walking around and unbelievably...THEY DON'T EVEN LOOK AT THE KAROAKE PROMPTER!!! It's like having your very own Garth Brooks concert, if you can stomach that. It is a complex game, this Karaoke. You have song selection, so that you "one up" the last persons song. You have the pros singing without prompting. Some guy even turned his back on the prompter! Sick! Another crooned a nice little ditty to his partner. The duets were out of this world.

 

The non-caffeinated beverage was really starting to flow, and the exit door had completely disappeared without a trace. Next, Kyle MacLachlan in drag shows up, and it was the beginning of the end.

I didn't notice any midgets, but I think they were in the back room playing pool. In a scene straight out of 8-Mile, the Karaoke became a pulpit for throwing down. Climbers vs. The Local vs. The Party Girls. vs. Kyle MacLachlan in Drag and her entourage. I couldn't tell you what I Karaoke’d. Apparently this is not something that you are in control of. I don't even think I knew the songs I Karaoke'd.

At any rate, I can't tell you much more. This Karaoke shit does something to you. Somebody was dancing on the table. More non-caffeinated beverages were consumed. Fantastical beasts appeared and mythological creatures came and went as we succumbed to the faux Bavarian frenzy. The merry-go-round spun faster and faster until we were flung off into a black hole in the night sky.

 

I'll never truly know what happened that night. I fell from the sky and into my bivy up Icicle Creek on Sunday morning. I had coffee (fully caffeinated) for breakfast, and repented at the Pearly Gates.

[archenemy]

Hey rockstar, did you come back with a mullet? It's like the obligatory sailor tatoo. A badge of pride.

[catbirdseat]

[olyclimber]

I just asked my friend, and he said that while there was a very strong mullet contingent at the Post Office, his only scarification was mental which is causing him to see what he describes as "tracers".

 

There was one particular mullet that was exceptionally groomed, almost to Micheal Bolton standards.

[archenemy]

I just asked my friend, and he said that while there was a very strong mullet contingent at the Post Office, his only scarification was mental which has is causing him to see what he describes as "tracers".

 

There was one particular mullet that was exceptionally groomed, almost to Micheal Bolton standards.

 

I'm sorry, but you will need to be more specific. Please go to mulletsgalore.com and look under the classifications. I believe you may be referring to the "ultimullet" or maybe the "rokken mullet", but I am not too sure. I need a visual.

Enjoy the site.

[olyclimber]

I can't believe it. "My friend" has spotted an all together new breed of Mullet, which wasn't previously classfied. We're going to call this new breed the "Neo-Euro-Fuax-Bavarian Karoake Mullet". We'll see if the photos turned out, I may post a picture of the evidence. Otherwise you're just going to rely on my friends good word about the FMS.

[archenemy]

I am foaming at the mouth to see a pic, but I can rely on your friend's word. A friend of yours is a friend of mine.

[Squid]

hmm, fascinating, Dr. Oly. I thought we'd narrowed the options down to 'femmemullet' and 'feathermullet'- perhaps even a rare (unknown?) hybrid of the two.

 

My ID of the species is not positive, and was definitely confused by the presence of the super-sized Dilbert and (drag) Kyle McLaughlin.

[olyclimber]

You're blowing our cover Squid.

[Squid]

uh, errr. ah. I think 'my friend' is still hungover.

My ID is strictly hypothetical, and based completely on second-hand reporting of events. To which I was not a party.

[olyclimber]

If "your friend" remembers anymore details, my friend was no help in writing this TR. What was the part about supersized Dilbert? That must have happend after my friend passed out under the table.

[Squid]

"Our mutual friend" recalls an oversized Dilbert sitting with Kyle McLaughlin. It was memorable, to hear him tell it. You don't see stars like that every day.

[Alpinfox]

In Da Club

 

Go, go, go, go

Go, go, go Olympia-Climber

It's your birthday

We gon' party like it's yo birthday

We gon' sip Fat Tire like it's your birthday

And you know we don't give a fuck

It's not your birthday!

 

[Dru]

Isn't "Post Office" 1890's slang for some prepubescent grope fest

[olyclimber]

Actually it's Bavarian for suck on my shizzle dizzle. I'm the king of the world! You can tell by the picture. That's my friend. He was passed out at this point and they're carrying him out.

[Cobra_Commander]

it looks like you are "dancing" with those iPod dancers.

[olyclimber]

OK...so maybe he is dancing. So what? Is that so wrong? Maybe in the movie Footloose.

[Cobra_Commander]

jump back!

 

(that's a quote from footloose)

[olyclimber]

bump.  still don't know what happened to my friend that night.   anyway...found this improperly filed in  "Spray".

[Alpinfox]

4 hours ago, olyclimber said:

bump.  still don't know what happened to my friend that night.   anyway...found this improperly filed in  "Spray".

The investigation is ongoing.  Will update once complete. Preliminary evidence points to the involvement of sasquatches, aliens, or some combination of the two. 

Edited December 22, 2021 by Alpinfox

[bigeo]

Strange that it was filed in "spray". That was defiinitely a trip.

[Off_White]

Ah Squid, that guy owes me a six pack.