Bad joke time again!

[glacier]

Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

 

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

 

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

[sketchfest]

[glacier]

A locksmith is sent to an asylum for the insane to change some cell locks.

While he is changing the lock in the first cell, he notices the inmate is making motions like a baseball player about to bat.

The locksmith asks the inmate what he is doing, and the inmate says: "I'm Babe Ruth! As soon as I hit a homerun, I'm out of here!"

The locksmith goes on with his work.

In the next cell, he sees the inmate making motions like a golfer.

Again he asks, and the inmate says: "Don't you recognize me? I'm Tiger Woods, as soon as I score a Hole-In-One I'm out of here!"

The locksmith shakes his head and goes on to change the lock on the last cell. In the cell, he sees a naked man with an enormous errection and peanut balanced on the tip of it.

The locksmith is puzzled and says: "And what are you doing to get out of here?"

The naked man says: "Get out of here? I'll never get out of here, can't you see I'm fucking nuts?!"

[Dru]

"Its only ice cream"

[Ricardo_Montalban]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.

[Dru]

A vulture boarded a plane, carrying two dead raccoons.

The flight attendant stopped him and said, "Sorry sir,

only one carrion per passenger."

 

NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit

for experimental purposes. They called it the herd

shot round the world.

 

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One took

off to Hollywood and became a rich movie star; the

other stayed in South Carolina and never amounted to

much. He became known as the lesser of two weevils.

 

Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a

fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage that

you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

A three-legged dog walks into an old west saloon,

slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for

the man who shot my paw."

 

Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the

dentist and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to

transcend dental medication.

 

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and

met in the lobby where they were discussing their

recent victories in tournaments. The hotel manager

came out of the office after an hour, and asked them

to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in

an open foyer.

 

A woman has twins, gives them up for adoption. One

goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal" The

other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan".

Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of

himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her

husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He

replies, "They're twins for Pete's sake!! If you've

seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!!"

 

A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with

their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers

from the Men of God, so their business flourished. A

rival florist became upset that his business was

suffering because people felt compelled to buy from

the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours

or close down. The Friars refused. So the florist then

hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in

town. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up,

destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said

that if they didn't close, he'd be back. Well, totally

terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their

rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can

prevent florist friars.

[klenke]

Gawd! You saved the "worst" for last.

 

Here's another:

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her

pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the

bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,

"I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

 

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

 

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

 

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any

testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

 

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few

moments later with a black Labrador retriever.

 

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs,

put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top

to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

 

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later

with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the

bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its

haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of

the room.

 

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is

most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

 

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced

a bill, which he handed to the woman.

 

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150

just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

 

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would

have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds

up."

[Bogen]

A Burmese friend of mine had his wife in the hospital to get her appendix removed last night. This morning she was complaing of a sore throat, and my friend says "see, now you know what they were doing while you were unconcious. Open your mouth, let me see if they stitched it or glued it." To which the wife laughed and laughed...

 

WTF?

 

Apparently a well-known Burmese joke:

 

A man thinks that his wife is too loose, and so he hires a guy to come and stitch her up partially so she'll be tight again. After some time in the room, the guy rushes out and leaves without saying a thing, doesn't even want to be payed. The husband goes in to see what's up, and cries "That bastard! I asked him to stitch it, not glue it!"

 

Burmese people are weird.

[glacier]

A hunter sees a movement in the brush and fires, realizing too late that it is his hunting partner. He loads his partner into his pickup and heads to the nearest hospital, where the staff rolls his partner into the emergency room.

 

After a while, the doctor steps out of the operating room.

 

"Will he make it, Doc?' asks the hunter.

 

"Well," replied the doctor, "we tried our best to save him, but it really would have helped if you hadn't field-dressed him first."

[Dru]

I stole this one from Trask

 

Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering customers a new

discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail

chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California, to produce the

spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range.

 

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart

brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine",

said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. She said: "But the right name

is important."

 

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name

for the Wal-Mart brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity

are:

 

10. Chateau Traileur Parc

9. White Trashfindel

8. Big Red Gulp

7. World Championship Riesling

6. NASCARbernet

5. Chef Boyardeaux

4. Peanut Noir

3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

2. Grape Expectations

 

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine:

1. Nasti Spumante

 

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white

meat

(Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

[Doug]

A guy buys a new car with a voice activated satelleite radio in it.

 

Driving down the road, he dceides to check out how it works. He says out loud "Fifties Rock". Almost instantly, Buddy Holly is blaring from the speakers.

 

 

He then says "Heavy Metal". Next thing, Judas Priest is rocking the car's interior.

 

 

 

Next, he says "New Country". Keith Urban comes on the radio.

 

Distracted by the enjoyment of what he was doing, he looks up to see a child running across the street chasing an errant fly ball. The mans slams on the brakes and screeches to a stop. He yells: "FUCKING KIDS!!!!!"

 

 

 

Michael Jackson's Thriller starts playing on the radio.

[stinkybritches]

new spin on a classic.

Q:how do you f*** a fat girl?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A:Go through the folds till you find one that smells like shit and back up one.

[Norman_Clyde]

I'm sure glad you employed asterisks. Otherwise that last joke would have been disgusting.

[MisterMo]

"Its only ice cream"

 

This is the penguin whose car breaks down in South Dakota in August is it not?

[Dr_Flash_Amazing]

How many lawyers does it take to tile a roof?

 

Depends how thin you slice 'em.

 

_____

 

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

 

A good start.

 

_____

 

How many punks does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

None; punks don't change anything.

 

____

 

What's brown and sticky?

 

A stick.

[stinkyclimber]

Q) What is the difference between investment bonds and a mountain guide.

A) The bonds will eventually mature and earn money.

 

Q) How do you make a small fortune guiding?

A) Start with a large one.

 

Q)What's the difference between a mountain guide and a large pizza?

A) The pizza can feed a family of four.

 

Q) What do you call a guide with out a girlfriend?

A) Homeless

 

Q) What's the difference between God and a Mountain Guide?

A) God doesn't think he's a Mountain Guide.

 

[chris_w]

O'Toman walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave "S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what O'Toman had done, "what was that all about?" "Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

 

 

"I've Lost Me Luggage"

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

 

"Water to Wine"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do you smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

 

"The Brothel"

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well." Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.

 

Irish Cemetery

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."! Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

 

 

 

Irish Predicament

Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but Ole Mulvihill just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

 

Irish Last Request

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night" The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'

[klenke]

Irish Gas Station

 

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new

Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

 

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the

golfer is.

 

"Top o' the mornin' to ya."

 

As Tiger gets out of his car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

 

"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

 

"They're called tees, " replies Tiger.

 

"And what would ya be usin' em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

 

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive" replies Tiger.

 

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary and Joseph!" exclaims the Irish gas station

attendant. "Those German fellas at Mercedes think of everything!"