Just received this from my employers, lame!
TO ALL EMPLOYEES:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all departments, we
are
forced to cut back on personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement,
thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the
Current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect
immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP . (Sever Late-Age Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs
outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before
actual retirement takes place.
This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities
of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with
upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,
SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems
appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to
get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or
CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, an employee who has
received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the
company again.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board
that the company will continue its policy of training employees through
our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).
We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive and we have
given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any
employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your
immediate supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the
SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
The Management
