today sux

[Dru]

quote:

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Originally posted by freeclimb9:

One evening John O’Reilly and his toastmasters club were hitting the Guinness and having a contest to see who could come up with the best toast. John O’Reilly hoisted his beer high and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” With that, he was instantly awarded the prize of Toast of the Night.

Later that evening, he went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”

“Aye,” she said, “and what was your toast?”

“Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife!” he replied.

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John’s toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled and said, “Did you know John won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary?”

“Aye,” she said. “I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!”

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Cleeshterfeeshter told it first: on page 4

 

[ 08-13-2002, 01:06 PM: Message edited by: Dru ]

[allthumbs]

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

 

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

 

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

[allthumbs]

anybody know a good dirty joke?

[Dru]

A big fat fellow comes into an ice cream parlour on a hot day. The place is for some reason, deserted.

 

Fat guy: "How many flavours you got?"

 

Clerk: "We gottem all."

 

Fat guy: "All?"

 

Clerk: "Yup. Any flavour you can think of."

 

Fat guy: "Any flavour I can think of, huh. I bet you don't have pussy flavoured icecream!"

 

Clerk: "Oh yeah?" He goes to a tub of icecream hidden way in the back of the shop and scoops a couple of scoops into a wafflecone "Here ya go, smart guy".

 

Fat guy: takes a big slurpy lick: "Bwaaah! That tastes like shit!"

 

Clerk: "You musta taken too big of a lick!"

[freeclimb9]

One evening John O’Reilly and his toastmasters club were hitting the Guinness and having a contest to see who could come up with the best toast. John O’Reilly hoisted his beer high and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” With that, he was instantly awarded the prize of Toast of the Night.

Later that evening, he went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”

“Aye,” she said, “and what was your toast?”

“Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife!” he replied.

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John’s toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled and said, “Did you know John won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary?”

“Aye,” she said. “I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!”

[Poseur]

2 prostitutes (bitches) were in a taxi, on their way home after work.

Bitch 1 : I smell sperm!!

Bitch 2 : Sorry, I burped!!

 

[glacier_dup1]

A man walks into a bar and orders a dozen shots of Jagermeister.

 

The bartender asks, "What's with the big order?"

 

The man replies, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob."

 

"Well," says the bartender, "congratulations - I'll throw in an extra shot on the house."

 

"Nah, if a dozen shots doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, one extra won't help."

[allthumbs]

glacier - hehehe

[freeclimb9]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ... "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the drinks were going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realising she'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with her. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then she said we need a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times then said,"Oh shit!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat and cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.

[freeclimb9]

See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work.

 

This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is a cat

This is moron cat

This is busy cat

This is for cat

This is forty cat

This is seconds cat

 

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top...

[joekania]

A man sits alone at a bar, drowning his sorrows in martini after martini. An attractive woman comes in and finds the only seat at the bar is next to this sad sack. Halfway through her first drink, she can't stand the one-man drama playing out next to her, so she speaks up.

"So why the long face buddy?"

"Oh, I just found out my wife is leaving me," he moans.

"I know that tune, my divorce is final next week. Why is she leaving you?" the woman inquires.

"She doesn't like to have the kind of kinky sex I like."

"Well, that's a coincidence! That's exactly why my husband is divorcing me!"

After a few more drinks and some conversation, they decide to head over to her place for some naughty playtime. They get in the door and she purrs, "Let me slip into something a little more comfortable." She disappears into the bedroom and comes out 15 minutes later in full studded-leather bodice, mask, elbow length gloves and cat-o'-nine-tails. The guy is pulling on his coat and headed out the door. She says, "Hey, where you going? I thought you were into this kind of stuff?"

 

The guy says, "Look lady, I screwed the cat, I shit in your purse, I'm outta here!"