July Jokes

[freeclimb9]

with July 1st so close, how do Canadians spell "Canada"?

C eh? N eh? D eh?

[Son_of_Caveman]

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

 

"How will I recognize him?"

 

"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment"

 

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

 

"A female horth."

 

So he shows him a prize filly.

 

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"

 

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

 

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"

 

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

 

"Nith earzth. can I see her mouf?"

 

The rancher is gettin pretty pissed off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

 

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat?"

 

Totally pissed at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

 

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

 

"Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?"

[Dru]

Three Americans and three Canadians are taking a train through the mountains in Europe. The Amwericans each buy a ticket and are amazed to see the Canadians only buy one ticket amongst the three of them.

 

"How are you going to get 3 people on one ticket?" the Americans ask. "Wait and see" reply the Canadians.

 

Americans board train. Canadians board train and all huddle in to a bathroom. As the train chugs along the ticket taker comes and takes the Americans tickets. Then come to the lavtory Canadians are in and knocks on the door. The door opens a fraction, the sounds of grunting and straining are heard, and a hand comes out around the edge of the door holding the ticket.

 

After the ticket taker goes away out come the Canadians all smiles. "How do you like that eh?" asks one of the Americans. "Euros are too polite to look in the stall. Works every time."

 

So, a few days later, the Canadians and amwricans are boarding the same train to head back thru the mountains. This time the Americans, grinning, only buy one ticket for the 3 of them. The Canadians, this time, buy NO tickets. Again the Americans are surprised and the Canadians grin "Wait and see."

 

So, they board the train. The Canadians hide in one bathroom, and the Americans in the other one across the corridor. The train gets underway. After a few minutes one of the Canadians stealthily emerges from the bathroom, crosses the corridor, knocks on the door behind which the Americans are hiding and says in his best Euro accent, "Ticket, please!"

 

[freeclimb9]

Which is scarier, a Postal worker with an assault rifle or a Forestry worker with a box of matches?

[freeclimb9]

Of all species, the barnacle has the largest penis in relationship to its size... this is why you will never see a barnacle driving a Ferrari.

[b-rock]

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

 

The porcupine has the pricks on the outside...

[Figger_Eight]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. As the bartender pours it, the guy says, “I just heard the funniest Canada joke! You’ve gotta hear it.”

 

The bartender leans over the bar and growls, “Buddy, I was born in Medicine Hat. You see the two big bouncers over there? They’re the McKenzie brothers, and they're from Vancouver. Do you still want to tell that Canada joke?”

 

“Nah,” says the guy. “I don’t want to have to explain it three times.”

[Dru]

An Irishman begins to frequent a pub and always orders 3 pints of Guinness at once and drinks a sip from each of the 3 glasses until all 3 are finished.

 

After he does this a few times the bartender says "You know, you would enjoy those beers more if you ordered and drank them one at a time."

 

"yes" says Paddy, "but you see, I have two brothers. One moved to Canada and one moved to Argentina and we're never the three of us together any more. we always used to drink together so before they moved, we agreed whenever we went to the pub we would drink this way to remind us of each other."

 

"oh, that's a lovely custom" says the bartender.

 

Three or four years go by. One night Paddy comes to the pub and only orders two pints of Guinness.

 

Moved, the bartender says "Paddy, I'm sorry for your loss."

 

"Oh" says Paddy "no, its not what you think. You see, my wife has joined the Baptist church and I cannot drink any more. But it hasn't affected my brothers at all, you see!"

[Figger_Eight]

A woman holding a baby gets on a bus. The bus driver looks at them and says, “Damn, That's the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”

 

In a huff the woman slams her money into the farebox and goes to the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sees she’s agitated and asks what’s wrong.

 

“The bus driver insulted me!” she fumes.

 

“That’s outrageous!” says the man. “He’s a public servant and shouldn’t be insulting passengers.”

 

“You 're right!” the woman says. “I think I’ll go up there and give him a piece of my mind!”

 

“That’s a good idea,” says the man. “'I’ll hold your monkey.”

[Gimpy]

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best. "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy,"What is it?""Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours and you

mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's."

Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds.

 

A man is sitting at a bar wearing a worn stetson, blue jeans which show conciderable wear in the seat, and boots that have been broken in just right. The man next to him looks over and says "You look like a real cowboy, are you?"

The cowboy replies "Well, I own a ranch and have lease rights to 1200 acres on which I keep a herd of 150 horses. I spend most of my day riding a horse, looking at horses, and thinking about horses. I sleep out on the range, keep a rifle on my sadle, and can lasso a horse on the run. Yea, I guess I am a cowboy."

Ten minutes later a woman comes in and sits down next to the cowboy. She looks at him and asks if he is indeed a real cowboy. He answers "I guess I am. I spend more time in a sadle than in a car. I ride out on the range for three to four lonely weeks at a time, and cook mostly over a fire. I s'pose I'm as much a cowboy as ya all can be. Can I buy you a drink?"

The woman says "I'm a lesbian."

"Well," he responds, "what does that mean?"

"It means," says the woman, "that I am only interested in women. I spend most of my days looking at women, thinking about women, and when I get the chance, having sex with women."

Five minutes later another man walks in, looks at the cowboy's hat and asks, "Are you a real cowboy?"

The cowboy answers, "Well, up until five minutes ago I thought I was."

[tyree]

Whats the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne waits until your 12 before it comes on your face

[rr666]

What to not say to the nice policeman.

 

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

 

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

 

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

 

Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!

 

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

 

I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

 

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

 

Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

 

Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

 

Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?

 

I pay your salary!

 

So, uh, you on the take or what?

 

Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

 

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.

 

What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

 

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

 

Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!

 

Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches?

[The_Anti-Twight]

The definition of "relative humidity"?

 

The sweat that gathers on your balls when your screwing

your sister. Oohh!