Raindawg Posted September 29, 2006 Posted September 29, 2006 A fine fellow in the fitness forum poses quite the problem: I decided that I'm cheating myself by climbing in the gym with just shoes and harness, when in the mountains I also have helmet, rack, and possibly food/water/pack... His solution: buy a heavy chain and wear it as a belt to simulate weight. How about just wearing a pack? A pack can interfere with movement and results in a lot more sweaty nastiness. After much thought, here are my suggestions for improving your alpine excellence in the gym: Dude...carry a full rack in the gym...the babes will love the tinkling noise and the extra sweat produced will release pheremones. Don't forget the gaitors (they'll keep the gravel out of your shoes) and for added effect, wear one of those big quilted-looking down jackets, BIG LOU style. Wear one of these and make sure you the hood is firmly in place: SCENARIO: Location: Rock Starz Climbing Gym and Smoothie Bar Two sweet thangs are lacing up their li'l rock shoes on the bench near the stack of tattered climbing magazines. The Babes: Hot Babe #1: What's that tinkling noise? Are you tinkling? Hot Babe #2: I'm not tinkling, are you? Hot Babe #1: Hey! Look at that guy over there...wearing a BIG LOU style down jacket! He's climbing that route and making it look SO easy! Hot Babe #2: And what's all that stuff dangling off of him? Hot Babe #1: (giggling) Jennifer!!! I can't believe you just said that! Hot Babe #2: Eeeeeeeeee! I mean, look at that metal stuff! He's got to be either an engineer, an eccentric artist, or some sort of PROFESSIONAL! [Having finished lacing up their shoes, adjusting their jog bras and checking their make-up with a tiny little mirror, the ladies stand up to get a closer look.] Hot Babe #1: What's that smell...it's kind of like semi-cooked hamburger...but for some reason I really like it! Hot Babe #2: Oh yeah!!! I think it's coming from him!!! [the girls approach closer as you initiate a low-level traverse] Hot Babe #1: Hello! I'm Stacy! Me and Jennifer have been watching you and you're really good and we've got a few questions! YOU: Listen sweetheart...as you can see, I'm in the middle of a very important and authentic workout. Why don't you two get back to me in about an hour from now and we'll continue this fascinating conversation. [The two young ladies take a seat back on the bench, play with their cell-phones, page impatiently through some of the magazines while keeping an eye on YOU as you bust out your best moves: a sit-start to the hold shaped like a squirrel, a shorts-stretching stem between two shallow corners, and the obligatory dyno for the mono-doight. Exactly one hour later, you leave the wall, approach the seated ladies and make hand motions that indicate that you'd like them to scoot apart. As you squeeze between the two, you rip open the down parka, releasing a rush of warm stench that in the wild, would cause an entire herd of elk to rut! The entire gym looks your way. The two babes nearly fall backwards...but they're smiling and they don't know why! A group of womens next to the short free-standing bouldering pillar start fussing with their hair and moving a bit closer. Then there's those two skinny guys in the tank tops.....never mind about those guys.] Those two skinny guys as depicted in a vacation photo: A group of womens move a bit closer to check YOU out! YOU: I suppose you want to know what all this hardware is all about. Would you like me to tell you about my hardware? [The girls squeal as you give them a tour of cams, hexes, and that #6 stopper you always carry "for good luck". Both babes are clinging to your wet, sticky shoulders and are hanging on every technical description.] Hot Babe #2: I told you he was professional! Eventually, you look at your watch, stand up, and announce that you've got IMPORTANT things to do. Cryptically and ambiguously, you indicate that you might be back...maybe....in a week or so. Don't worry...they'll be there. "Can you wear that big jacket again?" one of them pleads as you walk toward the door? You pretend not to hear them. Word will get out...there will be even more...next time! Quote
enelson Posted September 29, 2006 Posted September 29, 2006 i don't know, the giant chain would be a good excuse to go to home depot. Quote
billcoe Posted September 29, 2006 Posted September 29, 2006 If I could rate posts this would be tops for sure. Quote
Mos_Chillin Posted September 29, 2006 Posted September 29, 2006 It's the same story the crow told me IT'S THE ONLY ONE HE KNOWS Quote
Raindawg Posted September 29, 2006 Author Posted September 29, 2006 It's the same story the crow told me IT'S THE ONLY ONE HE KNOWS Quote
Mos_Chillin Posted September 30, 2006 Posted September 30, 2006 That was then, this is now. Who has changed, and who hasn't? Hmm? Raindawg is a good reminder to us all to not get locked into your singular perspective as we age. It gets you nothing but myopic, reactive and abusive. Oh, yeah. And your face gets ugly, too. Quote
pope Posted September 30, 2006 Posted September 30, 2006 That was then, this is now. Who has changed, and who hasn't? Hmm? Right. Isn't this the latest iteration? Raindawg is a good reminder to us all to not get locked into your singular perspective as we age. It gets you nothing but myopic, reactive and abusive. Reading this post, it seems YOU are the one in attack mode. Oh, yeah. And your face gets ugly, too. Quote
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.