How to get a teenage kid of the couch?

[foraker]

What this kid has is NOT clinical depression.

[TyClimber]

Foraker, there you go. Also, Oleg I don't know how your relationship is with your kid. But try to figure out if there is something active that he wants to do, not something you want him to do. So if he doesn't want to climb, don't make him climb. For me it was rollerblading and skateboarding, my parents didn't think this was a wholesome or worthwhile activity. But it gave me something to identify with that was my own (although that identity may have been part of what was worrying my parents!), and after a while I branched out from there into more "worthwhile" activities. I would just say encourage him do do something, whatever it is, and take it from there.

[cj001f]

What this kid has is NOT clinical depression.

thank you Dr Phil. Time to get real

[TyClimber]

Don't do something stupid and send him to a shrink! My parents tried that and I got myself expelled from school two weeks later. That is going to make things worse, not better. If he is acting like such a little asshole I guess you could try one of those outward bound programs. I've heard it can work miracles, and I have a few friends who say it was one of the best experiences of their lives. Plus he'll learn all kinds of cool shit.

[OlegV]

It seems he doesn't need much money or anything at all. Just, as you said, he wants to be left alone in his room. Scary.

The main problem though is not just the lack of interests and poor grades, but never ending lies.

 

Have you thought about a psychiatrist r.e depression?

 

I don't believe in depression as a disease. Each depression has some objective background - the pills don't eliminate the real reason of unhappiness.

[foraker]

Perhaps you should go read a book or two. You did learn that didn't you? I mean something other than cruising through People magazine looking for pictures of Paris Hilton. I had a gf in college with a mild form of clinical depression. She was also a PhD in psychology. I got the full on run down on it, thanks, Oprah.

[cj001f]

I don't believe in depression as a disease. Each depression has some objective background - the pills don't eliminate the real reason of unhappiness.

I wasn't necessarily suggesting pills - but counselors can give an outside perspective on their behavior, as well as being an outsider who may be able to give advice that your son would be more receptive too.

 

I've got an idea foraker - why don't you extrapolate more about me from a few posts! You are a roaring success at it

[Camilo]

What this kid has is NOT clinical depression.

thank you Dr Phil. Time to get real

I agree with Carl. My mom sent me to a psychologist in middle school, and it was stupid. I was just a typical teenager and didn't get on ritalin or anti-depressants. But there's just as good of a chance that he might be depressed. If you go to a family therapist (especially one that your son might respect or look up to i.e. a cool, young guy) and have both group sessions and 1 on 1 sessions something good might happen. Or you could do what I did and just stare at the psych's nostrils all day and nothing bad will come out of it.

 

But what the hell do I know? I'm neither a teenager nor a parent, but young enough to remember how it was.

Edited January 17, 2006 by Camilo

[foraker]

I've got an idea foraker - why don't you extrapolate more about me from a few posts! You are a roaring success at it

 

You seem pretty good at it yourself! We should form a team! Yay us!

[OlegV]

We've been to a school chancellor. She thinks, it is our dual culture (Russian/US) makes his adjustment hard. He moved here when he was 2. Reminds me one of my Chinese friends whose parents used to make his everyday school sandwich out of T-bone stake.

[magellan]

As hard as it is, I hope you spend 95% of your energy encouraging what he does right. (I know, it's tough.) My name is Alex, and at 15 I was a lying, stealing, drinking, drugging jackass. Aside from my normal -type personality, my home life was a very poor example. My parents constantly criticized me from an early age. They were amazed when I fullfilled their prophecies. (Dropout, won't amount to anything, etc.) They almost were right. Fortunately by age 22 I was sober and starting to appreciate what they did right.

[TyClimber]

Another idea, try taking him to a bike race, I would recommend a criterium as they are spectator friendly and more exciting, there are a few in the Portland area. There is a bit of a counter culture in cycling and it seem to draw a lot of guys who are feeling slightly alienated or have issues to work through. It could give him something more positive to focus on. Worked for me! I still stand by my original statement that he is probably just a normal kid going through the normal, painful stages of growing up. I'm not a parent so I don't know first hand, but I think there are a lot of parents out there with the same worries as you.

[OlegV]

As hard as it is, I hope you spend 95% of your energy encouraging what he does right.

 

Positive reinforcement. Not sure if it works, if there is nothing to reinforce.

[TyClimber]

Is he really that bad? Or have you become jaded by having to deal with him all the time?

[OlegV]

..........race.........

We'll hear, noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!

[TyClimber]

Don't make him do it, just make him watch it. If thats it, let it be, but maybe he'll think its cool. Worth a try

[Winter]

Too bad Jerry died, or I would have prescribed a month of Dead tour, hitchhiking and and the associated substance abuse, in carefully monitored doses of course.

 

Why not send him away to a foreign contry for awhile? You'll get him out of the house, he gets to roam free and hopefully he'll get some perspecitve.

 

Otherwise just continue to show him some love and respect and it will all turn out ok.

[OlegV]

Is he really that bad? Or have you become jaded by having to deal with him all the time?

 

Probably both.

[tanstaafl]

As hard as it is, I hope you spend 95% of your energy encouraging what he does right.

 

Positive reinforcement. Not sure if it works, if there is nothing to reinforce.

 

 

damn, man. Teenagers, like other people, tend to live up or down to expectations. I'm sure it has not escaped your son's notice that his father thinks he is stupid, lazy, and devoid of anything positive to reinforce. No wonder he wants to stay in his room with the door shut. Nobody likes to spend time with people who hold them in contempt.

[TyClimber]

If he is getting negative vibes off of you around the house for his behavior, that could be fueling it a bit. Kids want attention, regardless of whether its positive or not. Try being his friend and it also could pay off. Again, I don't know you or your son so this is simply comments from the peanut gallery

[jon]

Another idea, try taking him to a bike race, I would recommend a criterium as they are spectator friendly and more exciting, there are a few in the Portland area. There is a bit of a counter culture in cycling and it seem to draw a lot of guys who are feeling slightly alienated or have issues to work through. It could give him something more positive to focus on. Worked for me! I still stand by my original statement that he is probably just a normal kid going through the normal, painful stages of growing up. I'm not a parent so I don't know first hand, but I think there are a lot of parents out there with the same worries as you.

 

LOL! Nothing like getting dropped from your first 10 bike races to cheer you up.

 

Where do you people come up with this shit?

[OlegV]

Ahh, it all sounds good on the paper. In the real world of raising a teen boy, you have to be a machine devoided of your own pride and personality.

 

I agree with Winter - we looked into various outdoor programs. They are super-$ (4,000/months!!!!).

[TyClimber]

I just encouraged that he see it, not that he has to do it. That would have to be his decision completely. So if he tries it and hates it then fine, he doesn't have to do it again. I'm not advocating pushy parenting, just the oposite. Anyway, maybe he'll be good and won't get dropped, stranger things have happened.

[jon]

Popular culture, especially the American version, is sick and perverse. It teaches people that they deserve to sit still and be entertained. Most of the glorious capitalist economic engine devotes itself to pandering to a person's most slovenly, selfish, brutish impulses. My feeling is there is only one reasonable strategy to raising a decent human being in the midst of today's popular culture: parents need to make it completely clear to their kids that popular culture is the enemy and must be resisted at every turn. You must do this with no apologies or regrets. I don't mean that the family can never watch TV or movies or listen to popular music or shop at the mall; but families need to make it clear to their kids that 21st century popular culture degrades the human spirit. The exceptions to this statement are very few.

 

In my house, we watch no TV and own no video games. We do rent videos but we limit what our kids can watch. My 13 year old is currently in a rage because we are not letting him watch most of the violent R rated movies his friends all saw back when they were 7 or 8. He's run out of PG-13 movies and now he feels deprived. Mass media, plus all his peers, encourage him to believe that viewing video entertainment of his choice, no limits, is a fundamental right like free speech or food or the air he breathes. He accuses us of living in a fantasy world where we wish it were still the 1930's. We tell him we'd travel back in time if we could but sadly this does not appear to be an option.

 

Of course I have no idea if our strategy will work. But so far it's the only way we feel comfortable proceeding as parents.

 

I know a whole bunch of people who grew up like this. One of them when reaching college did nothing but watch MTV. He now has the worst haircut in recorded history and no social skills. Another pair, brother and sister, yeah well they didn't watch any TV either and replaced it with drinks, drugs, and stealing. I get the idea that she is bi curious now, and he probably works at a grocery store, not bad for a for a dad with a PhD in math. Every one of my friends or people I grew up with who lived in an "oppressive" environment just made up for it when they moved out.

[minx]

my parents had one simple rule when almost all of my life. i had to have an afterschool activity year round. it didn't matter what it was, if it changed season to season. i just had to have a regular activity. there could be more than one but at least one. didn't matter if it was playing an instrument, swimming, chess, school sport, art class, etc.

 

some of those may not sound very exciting to you but they'll get him out of the house. they're not all going to get him fit and athletic but maybe he's more of a creative sort. any organized activity will provide structure and new friends.

 

this way, you've set some boundaries but you're giving him a choice. you're also opening the door to trying more new things.