Right, let's 'ear them Irish jokes

[klenke]

Here comes St. Paddy's Day. Time to dust off the oldies but goodies...

 

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

 

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

 

"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

 

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

 

"That I did," said Paddy...

"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

 

********************************************

 

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night, and of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk

 

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

 

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

 

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

 

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

 

******************************************************

 

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan

arrives at her door.

 

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

 

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

 

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. "There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..! ."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.."

 

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

 

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

 

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and

drowned."

 

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

 

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

 

******************************************************

 

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning

service,and she's in tears.

 

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

 

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last

night."

 

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

 

She says, "That he did, Father."

 

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

 

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

 

*********************************************************

 

AND THE BEST FOR LAST

 

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,

sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his

attention but the drunk continues to sits there. Finally, the Priest

pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use

knockin'; there's no paper on this side either"....

[Doug]

Little Timm@y Crawford is in the confessional. "Father, I must confess that I have sinned. I have had pre-marital sex with a young girl." "And just who was it?" demands Father Flannery. "Was it that little Susie Sullivan girl?" "No father" says Timm@y. "Well then, was it that devilish Teresa O'Conner?" asks the priest. "No Father, 'twasn't her either". "Well then, it must've been that Tammy Gregory lass." "No father, it was not her either." "Timm@y, I suspect I'll never get it out of you. Give 3 hail mary's and 4 our fathers and be a good young lad."

 

Timm@y heads out of the church after saying his pentance. He runs into his friend Bobby O'Malley. He tells Bobby he's just finished his confession about his sexual exploits. Bobby says, "So what did O;d Flannery give you?" " 3 hail mary's and 4 our fathers, and 3 damned good prospects!"

[jon]

Tiger Woods is driving through the Irish countryside on a way to a golf match in his rented BMW. He pulls into an old gas station to get some gas in a region far from any golf course. After the man fills up the tank Tiger reaches into his wallet to pull out of some money and some golf tees fall to the ground.

 

The old man goes "Eh lad, what are thooose?"

 

"Oh they're tees, they hold your balls while your driving" explains Tiger.

 

"Ahhh that BMW, they think of everything don't they!"

[lummox]

what do you call an irishman on st patricks day? a taxicab.

 

three irishman walk out of a bar. . . hey: it could happen.

[fenderfour]

Where did the Irish family go on vacation?

 

To a different bar

[catbirdseat]

There's a line up of nuns for confessional.

 

The priest asks the first nun Sister Karen what she has to confess, to which Sister Karen replies, "Forgive me father for I have sinned, I touched a man's penis with me finger."

 

"Well then, I am sure it must have happened in a crowded elevator, sister", said the priest". "Ah, yes, father, it was something like that, just the tip of me finger".

 

The priest says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water, and say ten Hail Marys, and you will be forgiven. "

 

The next nun is a little reluctant but declares, "Forgive me father for I have sinned, I fondled and stroked a man's penis with me 'and."

 

The priest says, "Surely the man must have been injured by his fly zipper and had come to you for care".

 

"Ay, it was something like that", says the nun.

 

"Okay, dip your hand in the holy water and say 100 hail Mary's and you will be forgiven."

 

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns. One nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line the priest comes out and says "Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush??? "

 

The nun replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it!!! "

[Mtguide]

This story comes from Ray Lum,who was a well-known and highly respected horse and mule trader for over 50 years throughout the deep South,Texas,and the Southwest.He was famous for his honesty,fairness,and robust wit.

 

Ray was at a livestock sale north of New Orleans one day in 1934 with another horsetrader friend who was Irish.There was another fellow there who had a very unusual looking dog with him.The Irishman went up to him and said,"An' whay koind iv a dog is it ye have there,me good man?".This fellow,who just happened to hate the Irish,gave him a sour look,spat, and said,"Well,he's haif(half) Arrish an' haif sonvabitch."And the Irishman,eyes dancing with glee,flashed him a huge smile and replied,"Well,bejaysus; fait' n' begorra,that makes 'im kin to both of us,then!!".

 

[catbirdseat]

[klenke]

Q: How many Irish men does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two, one to hold the light bulb and the other to drink Guinness until the rooms starts spinning.

[catbirdseat]

Here's a Dave Allen joke for you:

 

"Now it seems there was this English soldier that went to Ireland for a vacation because he knew he could get the best whiskey there. (Dave takes a sip from his glass and smiles at the audience from over its rim ... ) Well ... after having had "quite" a night of pubbing he found himself wandering along the side of an Irish road at a very early hour of the morning.

 

Coming up the road was an Irish farmer on his way to market. In his wagon was his prize pig and pulling the load was his best horse. When the Irishman saw the soldier he thought, "Poor soldier. Out this early in the morning walkin' alone. I should offer him a ride." So, he pulled up next to the soldier and asked if he wanted a ride into town.

 

Now the English soldier wasn't too sure about accepting a ride from an Irishman, especially when he saw, sitting on the floorboards, the farmer's rifle. But the farmer insisted and the soldier was quite drunk (Dave takes another sip from his glass and smiles, sweetly, from over its rim ... )

 

When the soldier was in the wagon the farmer realized he was running late and coaxed his horse to go faster. Just at that moment a wild rabbit ran across the road and scared the horse. He broke into a mad gallop and no matter how hard the farmer tired to stop him, he would not slow down!

 

Then, suddendly, the horse made a sharp turn and the wagon tipped over and everyone fell out. The soldier landed in a ditch, face down, and couldn't move. He knew he'd broken at least one arm and a leg. He was feeling dizzy and thought he might even have sustained a concussion. He had trouble seeing from one eye and knew it was bleeding.

 

From behind him he could hear the farmer moaning over what had happened. "Oh, my poor pig! You've got a nasty cut in your side. I'd best be puttin' you out of your misery." And the soldier heard the farmer fire his rifle into the pig. Then, the farmer saw his horse. "Oh, my poor, poor horse! You've broken a leg. I best be puttin' you out of your misery." And the soldier heard the farmer fire his rifle, again, into his horse. Then he heard the farmer coming closer to him. The farmer turned the soldier over and said, "oh, you poor soldier ... how are you?" The soldier said, quickly, "I never felt better in my life!" "

[MrDoolittle]

Irishman into Bar

IM: Give me three shots of whiskey.

BT: Who are the other two for?

IM: Me brothers back in Ireland.

 

IM drinks three shots and leaves

 

Irishman back into Bar

IM: Give me three shots of whiskey.

BT: Who are the other two for?

IM: Me brothers back in Ireland.

 

IM drinks three shots and leaves

 

Irishman back into Bar

IM: Give me two shots of whiskey.

BT: Why are you only getting two shots?

IM: They're for me brothers back in Ireland. I'm on the wagon.