Those towel headed MOTHERF&*%KERS

[bunglehead]

They're up to no good again!

[iain]

ASTRONOMERS: HOT MARTIAN CHICKS OBVIOUSLY ON OTHER SIDE OF BORING ROCK FORMATION

Pasadena, CA - Despite setbacks to the Mars Spirit rover resulting in a sudden loss of communication, scientists and astronomers are still excited about the possibility of discovering water, signs of life and hot Martian chicks on the other side of the planet.

 

"We are not worried," said deputy project manager Richard Cook speaking from the Jet Propulsion Laboratory Thursday. "Spirit's twin, Opportunity, is set to arrive on Mars this weekend and we are confident we will have pictures of aliens working and playing in their [mostly female] Garden of Eden within weeks if not days."

 

 

After 18 days on Mar's surface, Spirit has snapped the highest resolution photos ever taken of the red planet, including never before seen color images of rocks and craters.

 

 

"Rocks and craters are great. Really exciting stuff," said UCLA-based astrophysicist Donald Mayer. "It was certainly worth 14 years of post graduate study and $100,000 in student loans. Gotta love those rocks."

 

 

Doctoral student Brent Solomon agreed that the excitement of finding all those interesting rocks is much more important then finding attractive Martian women.

 

 

"Despite what my colleagues in the Internet Extra Terrestrial Consortium say, we were never looking for that 'lost ark' of beautiful, voluptuous, uncorrupted space women who have never seen a man or could identify who might be nerdy and unattractive by Earth standards. Now, if we just happened to stumble across them by chance, and they would teach us how to use a wormhole to take three or four of my buddies there, then fine. But it's not really a big deal."

 

 

Mayer stressed that despite the major anomalies involved with the current mission, he still plans on holding off on any marriage plans until the Mars Odyssey checks out what's past a large mound of dirt a few meters away from the rover.

 

 

"I'm sure they're there. I mean it doesn't really matter. But if that damn camera would just turn about 45 degrees I'm sure it would find some primitive tools or perhaps a discarded loincloth. It's there, I just know it."

source: bobfromaccounting

[bunglehead]

 

That's awesome.

[Dru]

PING PONG BALL AVALANCHE MODELLING!!!!

[iain]

I miss getting the new scientist

[bunglehead]

I miss getting the new scientist

 

Agreed. That mag ROCKS.

[lummox]

i reckon the safest course of action is to pre-emptively kick ass on all garden gnomes. some innocent lives may be lost but you gotta break a few eggs to make a gnome omelette.

[Ducknut]

YOUR SPOUSE COULD BE A SPACE ALIEN

How well do you really know your mate?

 

 

The old saying about men and women being from different planets isn't always a joke: You may really be married to someone from outer space!

 

"As many as 5 million aliens are living in the United States after taking on human form," says Dr. James Kune, a physicist and former government UFO expert. "They're evenly split between male and female, and most of them are married though childless.

 

"My research has determined that the average person has a 50-50 chance of being married to one."

 

Dr. Kune says he has researched human-alien marriages for the past 10 years and uncovered at least 1,000 cases of aliens passing themselves off as humans -- so convincingly, few spouses have the slightest clue.

 

"Their motives for coming here remain unclear," he says. "World conquest, the desire to live on a strange planet, overcrowding on their home world -- take your pick. We will know the answer eventually."

 

Dr. Kune says aliens mate with us for both practical and emotional reasons.

 

"In the early years of alien visitation, many E.T.s were looking only for cover -- marrying a human man or woman took suspicion off them as outsiders. Eventually they realized that not all humans marry, that they could just as easily pass as 'confirmed bachelors' or 'old maids.' "

 

But most aliens actually did end up marrying. "For most other species, it's unnatural NOT to pair off with someone. The longer they stayed here, the lonelier and more eager for companionship they became. And so they began developing actual loving relationships with humans.

 

"One of the most surprising findings in my research is that these alien-human relationships are among Earth's strongest marriages. While the overall divorce rate for U.S. marriages is hovering around 50 percent, almost 90 percent of alien-human marriages last well beyond the so-called 'seven-year itch' that often marks the end of human-to-human marriage.

 

"I can only theorize that the aliens are working harder to make their relationships succeed, probably to protect their true identities. Or maybe they just like being married -- which," he says with a smile, "really should be our first clue that they're not human."

 

Getting serious again, Dr. Kune has several signs that point to your spouse being out of this world.

 

Alien husbands:

 

Love to fix things around the house -- and actually repair what's broken instead of making it worse. "This is obviously a function of their highly developed mechanical and scientific skills," Dr. Kune says. "They usually have every high-tech power tool they can get their hands on, and keep it all compulsively organized."

 

Do not use the TV remote to "surf" at lightning speed through channels, but stop at each program to absorb the information before moving on.

 

Are energized and stimulated by physical contact with their wife. They often initiate long conversations after a lovemaking session, in order to better understand the experience.

 

Will ask for directions when they're lost -- sometimes. "A significant number are just as stubborn about it as human men," Dr. Kune says. "I suspect that a lot of aliens are on this planet only because they couldn't find their way to their planned destination."

Alien wives:

 

Are fascinated by sporting events, especially those on TV. They become very quiet during a game and do not question their husband about it, preferring to focus on the game and tune in telepathically to the coaches and players.

 

Approach housework and meal preparation as research into human labor, which they prefer to conduct on their own. "When their husbands offer to help them with these duties, several alien wives reported feeling hurt and insulted," Dr. Kune says.

 

Work hard at being fit and attractive by getting regular exercise and practicing good nutrition. "I have not found a single instance of an alien wife asking her husband if she looks fat," Dr. Kune says.

 

Are analytical and logical in arguments with their husband, "although we are beginning to see the early development of the skill of weeping," Dr. Kune says, "as alien women become more assimilated into our civilization."

 

 

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