allthumbs Posted October 31, 2003 Share Posted October 31, 2003 I was in a gas station the other day doing my part to fight terrorism by filling my sedan with regular unleaded, when I decided to go inside and get a snack . When I walked down the aisle I noticed that the snack I usually get, Corn Nuts, was missing, and in its place were CORN NUTS: CORN GONE WRONG. I was confused. It looked like my regular Corn Nuts, but the packaging had X-TREME attitude, it was more OUTRAGEOUS and/or TOTALLY AWESOME. There was even a new mascot: a corn on the cob with a fist clenched in defiance, which I can relate to because I too am rebellious and angst-filled. Marketing this powerful grabs me by the dick and forces me to buy this product. On the back of the package you might expect to find a product description, but no. You get more BAD ATTITUDE: The packaging asks a simple rhetorical question: "THINK THIS IS JUST SOME ORDINARY CORN SNACK?" Before you can even say "yes" to yourself, you get slammed with: "WRONG!" In your face! Corn Nuts marketing: 1, your judgement: 0. I can't argue with the packaging, Corn Nuts are indeed hardcore--as hardcore as fried vegetables can be. This package was so inspiring that I decided to create my own packaging for a fictitious brand of banana chips using the same formula: Little by little, advertisers are moving towards the "X-TREME" marketing school of thought (or lack of thought, as the case may be). Everything from Jello to health bars are being plastered with the "X-TREME" eye sore: I bought the X-TREME Soynut bar and took it home to try it out, because I bet people who snowboard and bungee jump live off of X-TREME Soynut bars and Mountain Dew (Mountain Dew is by far the most X-TREME brand of sugar water). When I got home, I anxiously opened the package, stepped back a few feet, and waited for the bar to back flip off of the table and jump into my mouth. The bar just sat there. I couldn't understand: the packaging said "X-TREME" but the Soynut bar seemed incapable of mountain biking. Thinking that I got a defective bar, I moved onto the Jello. I opened the package and waited for the jello to kick me in the face and force its way down my throat. Alas, nothing. It just sat there, almost as if I bought a non-X-TREME brand of product: the plain old nerdy kind of food that you can eat without cruising on a skateboard. Damndest thing, because the package clearly indicates a significant amount of TOTALLY AWESOME attitude. I felt ripped off, so in an effort to salvage the money I wasted on this bullshit, I ate six cups of jello, one bag of corn nuts, a Soynut bar, and a bag of jelly beans for dinner. The only thing X-TREME about this experience was the X-TREME dump I took later that night: I finally realized that the real spirit of X-TREME sports lies not in the food you eat, but in the shit you take afterwards. I learned a valuable lesson: X-TREME marketing isn't just a ploy to get gullible teens to waste their money on crappy products, but it's a way of life that rewards patient and faithful consumers with diarrhea that contains magical X-TREME Sports fairies who can grant you wishes. Either that, or stomach cancer and high blood pressure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rr666 Posted October 31, 2003 Share Posted October 31, 2003 trask said: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cracked Posted October 31, 2003 Share Posted October 31, 2003 Too bad it's not original. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allthumbs Posted October 31, 2003 Author Share Posted October 31, 2003 does that make a fucking difference? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bunglehead Posted October 31, 2003 Share Posted October 31, 2003 Do they even make regular Corn Nuts anymore? WTF?! I like my Corn Nutz like I like my poops: regular. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
E-rock Posted October 31, 2003 Share Posted October 31, 2003 (edited) Aaah, what thd fuck do I care.... Edited October 31, 2003 by E-rock Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scott_harpell Posted October 31, 2003 Share Posted October 31, 2003 cracked said: Too bad it's not original. anyone who would spend that much time making such shitty photoshop should be shot anyways. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catbirdseat Posted October 31, 2003 Share Posted October 31, 2003 What a relief. For a minute there, I thought Dwayner had gotten a hold of trask's password. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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