Scott_J Posted February 5, 2003 Share Posted February 5, 2003 quick come backs: A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub." Caught for speeding: The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. Hope this cheers up someone's day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Off_White Posted February 5, 2003 Share Posted February 5, 2003 the promised bear joke... A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts. Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. There was no sign of the missing men. They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists, because they feared an international incident. They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach and, sure enough, found the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?" "Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scott_J Posted February 5, 2003 Author Share Posted February 5, 2003 It got a smile. Thanks, Sisu. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jordop Posted February 5, 2003 Share Posted February 5, 2003 (edited) . Edited June 15, 2021 by jordop Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeclimb9 Posted February 5, 2003 Share Posted February 5, 2003 Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Off_White Posted February 5, 2003 Share Posted February 5, 2003 Here's the flipside of Freeclimb's.... Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. "Jake," she said. "Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess." "There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right." "No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you." Jake stroked her hand. "Now, Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it", he sobbed. --- "Why else would I poison you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Figger_Eight Posted February 5, 2003 Share Posted February 5, 2003 After the penguin's car starts billowing black smoke from the tailpipe, he takes it into the shop. "This'll take a few minutes," says the mechanic, "why don't you go down to the Baskin Robbins and get something to eat." The penguin walks back to the garage with a vanilla cone, which since he doesn't have a tongue, must dip his beak in it to eat it. He meets the mechanic in front of the building. "Well, it looks like you blew a seal." "No...it's just ice cream" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dru Posted February 5, 2003 Share Posted February 5, 2003 isnt this the 3rd time weve seen this joke in the last month??? figger 8 really!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Figger_Eight Posted February 5, 2003 Share Posted February 5, 2003 Yeah...but it's the only one I know Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scott_J Posted February 5, 2003 Author Share Posted February 5, 2003 Yeah...but it's the only one I know Awwwwwwww, beer! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glacierdog Posted February 6, 2003 Share Posted February 6, 2003 I think the women on this site will appreciate this one: The CIA needs a new assassin. So, they stick an ad in the paper. About a dozen people show up and they are all put through rigorous testing. It finally gets narrowed down to the last 3 people; an ex-KGB agent, an IRA devotee, and a business woman. They take the russian down a long corridor to a big metal vault. "Behind this door, we have your wife blind folded and tied to a chair. As a test of loyalty, you must take this gun and kill her." The CIA agent hands him his gun and opens the door. Sure enough, there is the Russians wife. "I can't do this," he says. He later wakes up in an alley. They then take the Irish man down the hall, same scenario. When the door opens, he hesitates a little, but still goes in, closing the door behind him. Silence. Finally, they open the door and find him sobbing in his wife's lap. He wakes up in an alley. Last, but not least, the business woman. When the door opens, she barrels in without hesitation, slamming the door behind her. Nine shots are heard in rapid succession. After a brief silence, terrible screams amidst breaking wood are heard. The CIA agents rip the door open to see the woman standing over her dead husband in a pile of wood shards. She looks up and says "I wish you would have told me the gun was full of blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with a chair!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catbirdseat Posted February 6, 2003 Share Posted February 6, 2003 This is an old favorite of mine. Apologies to Matt. A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by. One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road. Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but...then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a "whump" and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field. He turned to the priest and said, "Father, I'm sure that I missed that lawyer." And the priest replied (best Irish accent), "That's OK, my son, I got him with the door." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeclimb9 Posted February 8, 2003 Share Posted February 8, 2003 An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?" The old timer said, "I'm a fisherman and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out fishing the ocean." The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he fished with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a fisherman." The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old." The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went fishing with you this morning too?" The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married." The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?" The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catbirdseat Posted February 9, 2003 Share Posted February 9, 2003 Hey freeclimb, that's a good one. I'll have to remember that one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glacierdog Posted February 9, 2003 Share Posted February 9, 2003 A woman sits by her husband on his deathbed. The man reaches up and touches her face. "honey?" "yes, dear?" she replies. "you've been with me through everything. When I was shot, you never left my side. You stayed with me when I was hit by that car. You were even there throughout my entire fight with cancer. " "I know, sweetie. I'd do it all again." "Uh-uh," he said. "Get the fuck away from me, you're bad luck." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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