Hounded by Internet Chatroom Banshees
A new Colorado resident named Dan - (certainly NOT to be confused with Dan - of speed climbing fame) has posted extensive paranoid schizophrenic writings on a website, traveled to the ends of the earth, and finally left his home in Partlond, Oregon in order to get away from what he calls “the voices in my computer” and “ the Banshees of internet chatrooms around the world”.
Dan has harassed and threatened to sue just about everyone that he’s corresponded with over the last two years, including some of his own multiple personalities. He’s currently in sabbatical near Eagle, Colorado where he can “keep a close watch on the Kobe Bryant case”. - has stated that he suspects Bryant’s records are “false, unverifiable, and ridiculously exaggerated. His signature in the hotel register proves it all! When you compare it to his Martian passport and then compare his DNA to Canadian dairy cattle it’s obvious!” - expects to be called to the stand as an expert witness in the Bryant case. When asked if he knows some people think his claims are outlandish he replied “Who?!?! I’ll sue them! Those people know I’ll refute their claims on my website and in court! Who do they think they are? I’ll get them out of my computer and back into my dog where they belong!”
For now, this reporter eagerly awaits the next time - refuses to take his medications so we can get an update on this story.
Reporting from the Eagle Valley Psychological Compound, this is Turtle Soup