pope

I missed a brilliant photo op this weekend...a buddy from Ellensburg was seen taking a leak, shorts around his ankles, tool in hand, all the while viewing an unsuspecting mountain goat from behind. I could have framed the goat through the "A" of his legs and given the photograph some catchy title like "Mountin' Goat". I once gave a slide show at a Mountaineers graduation, which seemed to be unanimously enjoyed...right up until I showed the transparency of salamanders conjugating subaqueously in Mowich Lake. I still consider that shot to be an exhibition of my brilliance behind lens and shutter....and so I ask, is this not art?

My buddy Charlie reported recently seeing a bunch of mattress-totin', rasta-cap sportin' boulder hoppers up at Ingal's Lake, and that this peculiar crew of enthusiasts seemed most excited about the prospect of "virgin" bouldering in the high country above Leavenworth. What do you think? Do the boulders around popular alpine camp sites like Ingal's Lake await deflowering? Does the lack of documentation imply a lack of previous climbing activity? Or, is it more likely that bouldering ("playing at climbing") has always been going on up there, by climbers looking for a little camp-side entertainment (in the absence of slow goats)? [This message has been edited by pope (edited 09-25-2001).]

How to set a bolt? First, you make up your mind to treat the mountain/wall like a proper lady, not a whore. You respect the defenses that she presents, and you convince yourself that your little project will be far more rewarding if you meet the mountain on her terms. Don't bring a gun to a fist fight. Next, you get a hold of one of the many fine manuals that detail safe/secure bolt placements. Then, with hand drill in holster and aiders and hooks at the ready, you WALK TO THE BASE OF YOUR GOD DAMNED ROUTE and you start climbing. If, after twenty feet, you find no place to stand or hook and drill, and if the climbing's difficult demands placement of a bolt, YOU CRAP YOUR PANTS AND BEGIN DOWN CLIMBING, having preserved the challenge for somebody who has developed the necessary skills to get the protection from the bottom up. That somebody might be you in a few years, and you'll be happy the challenge is still there.

jason_h, I must agree. Goofy outfits pervade the mountaineering circle, and shorts over polypro, together with glacier glasses and clown-white noses...well, these guys aren't going to score any phone numbers looking like that. And are climbing's other aspects also frivolous? You bet. Just like riding a skate board or collecting beanie babies, climbing is for amusement, and those who don't find it amusing will never understand the point. I'm sure that's half the appeal of the new bouldering craze: you can feel enlightened to be so focused on something that other climbers just don't understand. You can belong to an exclusive subculture and derive self-satisfaction thereby. But remember, putting around on a boulder doesn't automatically make you hip...folks have been doing that for decades. No, if you want to join the subculture, you've got to wear the trendy little outfit.

Dwayner, I think you've got a point. The bouldering "culture" is completely perplexing to me. You meet some of these bouldering enthusiasts and you quickly get the impression that there's some kind of trendy mania out there....as though puttin' around on a boulder has only recently been discovered, as if it defines the cutting edge of what's hip and remarkable in the climbing circle. I recently talked to an active climber who said he hadn't tied into a rope in 17 months (he shared this fact with a self-satisfied expression on his mug). He seemed to genuinely understand that he was part of something special, that he was propelling climbing in a new direction. And anybody with business sense can see the opportunity for profit: those who help define bouldering culture and all of its little mattress-totin' quirks, will want to be identified immediately when they arrive on the scene. They will need little bouldering outfits, baggy pants, hemp wallets, sandles....just in case the goofy mattress doesn't get noticed. I've got no problem with all of this...it's just perplexing, in the same way rapping down a cliff and drilling bolts can somehow be mistaken for free climbig. But bouldering is environmentally friendly, so I'm not going to devote a single minute to bitching at its practitioners. And I do see the focus of climbing evolving, from macro to micro: from Everest, to big walls, to cragging, to 40-foot sport routes, and now bouldering. I still think the next wrinkle will be some group of wankers trying to distinguish themselves by specializing in sit starts. They're going to need trendy pants with reinforced butt pads.

I don't claim to know everything about being a dad, and I certainly continue to climb, but I think there's a difference between hiking up Mt. Hood on the weekend or clipping bolts along I-90, and doing extreme climbing professionally. Climbing extreme alpine professionally means you'll have to turn heads, and that means going to the limit. In mountaineering, the limit requires that you invest a piece of your butt, and, quite frankly, I believe that's not fair to your kids. On the other hand, if you climb at your limit on sketchy pro, or if you solo, not professionally but simply for your gratification, or to somehow "validate" your existence, then you shouldn't have kids. They deserve to grow up with more than a memory of what a great weekend warrior you were.

Climbing a rock is, I'm afraid, a little less special than we seem to be suggesting. It's a selfish act of indulgence. You're not changing the world, you're not making your community better, you're just hanging on the side of a rock, standing on top of a mountain. Fun, challenging, rewarding, a healthy lifestyle.... sure. But if you need to risk your life and climb extreme alpine walls just to feel happy, if you have trouble finding a sense of accomplishment in your life without dangling from some half-frozen water-ice pillar, and if you find ways to rationalize participation in these activities while your family sits home unsure of whether they'll ever see you again.....guess what? You're a selfish and pitiful person. You don't deserve your children, and I don't think you're setting any kind of example for them other than demonstrating that mountain climbing is an intoxicating form of recreation.

Gee Dan, I'll bet Alex's boys think that is really special. Guess being a dad wasn't risky enough for him.

Dru, thanks for relaying information on these developments. I'll try to get the word out to some folks who don't visit this site.

I once climbed Cutthroat Peak's South Buttress with this broad. We soloed to just below the "Tarzan jump" pitch, and then I asked her to walk out to the end of a ledge with the rack to set up a belay, while I uncoiled the rope. Next thing I know, she just disappeared. I shuffled over to the end of the ledge to find that she'd soloed about forty or fifty feet up the next pitch, which seemed to dead end at the top of a gully. There she was, clinging to the wall, unable to go up, unable to retreat. I basically had to solo the pitch, climbing a line to her right, which I never would have done ropeless in any other situation, to access a ledge where I could quickly get a rope around a tree and lower her a line with a locking-D. Yes, I was stupid enough to climb with her after that, but I've always been a fool for a nice rack.....she had all the gadgets!

Words? I haven't even tried to read that rag since the New York bouldering article. Apparently, I just don't speak the language.

Just got Climbing No. 207 in the mail (my Frau got me a subscription for Christmas last year). I'm sorry, but this is a bunch of horseshit. Look at that fruitcup on the cover. He's got that special Michael Jordan facial thing going that says, "Hey, I'm really accomplishing something here." If you turn the photo sideways, it's easy to imagine this guy taking a crap. Then I noticed he's flipping me off...and I pay money for this crap? Then there's the adds. Just inside the cover a couple of pages, some creepy looking goof with red contacts and a fish hook in his nose is trying to sell me a rope. Like I'd take that guys advice. Flip a couple of pages to see Barry in a Patagonia add sporting that stubborn-turd look. Over on page 49, Ms. Hill looks like Nurse Servius about to administer a barium enema. I remember when she was hot, but then American cars used to be reliable....a long time ago. Finally, I see P. Croft in what might just be a North Face add, or maybe it's a Pete's Coffee add, although it appears the s.o.b. is demonstrating how to be a lush to all the kiddies out there. Jeeeeesh.

Alpine, that's one of my favorite pitches in Washington. I've seen a guide that calls it 5.10c, but I think the truth is some place in the middle. Anyway, when I was a kid, I watched a guy climb it from the top of Castle Rock. When he worked out to the jugs at the end of the roof, he cut loose his feet and hung from what appeared to be fist jams, swinging wildly like a monkey. I was so impressed by this spectacle; when I finally climbed it, it was every bit as cool as I imagined it to be.

Will, you want a thread listing climbs with inflated grades? Couldn't that be achieved by scanning the guide book to that I-90 cliff? I've got to agree with comments about J-Tree and Yosemite. After a couple of trips down there, you have to question all of these guys who think Index is a tough place (for a given grade). I mean, these are completely different styles of climbing, but take Pressure Drop, an Index 5.11a (joke), and compare it to Midterm on Arch Rock (5.10a). Maybe I've got to quit going down there in August..maybe those slick walls aren't so bad in cooler temperatures. [This message has been edited by pope (edited 09-06-2001).]

I've seen some goofy shit over the years. Three of my buddies and I once finished Snake (Squamish Chief Apron) by climbing a slab to the right of a seeping crack. When "The Boy Idiot" finished the pitch and his partner had followed, I started up this thin, run-out slab (5.10?). About fifteen or twenty feet up, I hear Boy Idiot's partner say, "What's the matter, not wet enough for you?" I looked up to notice him draining his water bottle down the slab! It probably wasn't such a big deal, but at the moment, feeling like retreat wasn't an option, and now facing the possibility of a wet exit, I flipped my lid and screamed obscenities at this guy. Once in Zion's Taylor Creek Canyon (South Fork), I tried to follow a guy up a "free" ascent of a finger crack. He asked me to trail a line, so I 'binered it into the gear loops on my harness. About thirty feet up, my buddy noticed that I was trailing the rope tied into my harness, and that he was belaying me on the rope I'd 'binered into my harness gear loops! (Come to think of it, that's almost as bad as the Lynn Hill knot.) Mountaineering excellence or absolute stupidity? OK, if you've got a story to add, let's resist the temptation to make an ass out of somebody by naming names.

What's the biggest sandbag around? What single pitch punched you right off your proud pedestal and left looking for some fatherly guy to say, "Here, kid, have a lifesaver."?

Helen Wait is our expedition cook. If you need your meals cooked and served, go to Helen Wait.

Dru, If you can think of ANYTHING I might be able to do to influence thought on this unfortunate development, please let met know. Thanks for the bad news, Pope.

Cavey, After the clubbing, be sure you drag her correctly....not by the feet. I assume you already know this (and why), but just in case!

WINNER-WINNER-WINNER-WINNER-WINNER! Charlie's in the lead with four correct answers, having answered questions one, three, four and nine. Several of you have answered two questions correctly, but with only one question remaining, Charlie wins. Here's a tenth question anyway. When Jonathan hurls Kruegger out of an office window, he lands on a sidewalk table several stories below, where a German diner asks, "Was ist passiert?" Translate.

Jesus, Colin, be careful! You've got a big career in front of you!

She's not in my official cast list.

Question 9. "Dirty, evil, scheming, devious, bitch!" Who said these words, and under what circumstances? Almost forgot. A pair of tourists, a married couple, ask Ben if they might have a look through his scope. He neither rejects nore accomodates their request, but offers no response. The wife encourages her husband to offer money. Disgusted, Ben finally warns that if either of the two "vampires" so much as touch the scope, they will need a surgeon to remove it from their turd gutters. A journalist asks Ben to comment on what motivates moutain climbers...is it compensation for inferiority feelings, or is it an attempt to prove manhood? Ben responds by suggesting that she would benefit from a good rogering. Eiger Birds are jet-setters and assorted zombies who fly in every time they get wind of a big climb. If they get lucky, they get to see a man die. Ben Bowman initially mistakes Ms. Brown (the CII courier) for an Eiger Bird. [This message has been edited by pope (edited 08-29-2001).] [This message has been edited by pope (edited 08-29-2001).]

Excellent. We are, however, missing one item. Hey Pencil Pimper, or Pimple Popper, or whatever you call yourself: now's the time to jump in and swoop these guys. You could be the proud owner of a genuine Big Lou travel mug!

Correct. And now for question 8. List the lunch items ordered by Jonathan when George brings him back from his first training run.