Election night drinking game

[slothrop]

I posted this elsewhere already, but y'all are such drunkards, I thought you might appreciate it:

 

At a friend's birthday party last night, we came up with a way to celebrate democracy this coming Election Day. No matter who wins, everyone has fun with the Election 2004 Drinking Game!

 

Gather your voting-age friends around the television (preferably with cable) and follow these simple rules:

 

1. Every time Kerry wins a state, drink some red wine.

2. Every time Bush wins a state, drink some cheap American beer. From a can, of course.

3. Every time Nader's share of a state's votes equals or exceeds Bush's margin of victory in that state, throw up. (You may wish to place buckets at strategic points around the room.)

 

That's it! No matter the outcome, you are sure to stagger into work the next day throbbing with pride in your democracy and the pounding headache of your worst hangover ever.

 

Politically advanced players may wish to add the following optional rules:

 

* If Pete Coors wins his Senate contest in Colorado, shotgun a Coors Light.

* Whenever Nader appears on screen complaining about not getting on the ballot in a state, take a giant bong hit and chill out, ya damn hippie.

* Special for Fox News viewers: whenever Fox calls a state prematurely for Bush, crush a beer can against your sloping Neanderthal forehead. No, an empty can, you moron!

 

Note that if the election is too close to call or mired in legal controversy, you must continue to drink! It's not over until freedom prevails, so you might want to stock up with enough alcohol to last until January 20. When your liver starts to enlarge, take comfort in the words of our future ex-President on playing his part in the raging frat-party that is American democracy: "It's hard work."

[Gidget]

What happens if yer guy wins yer state?

[willstrickland]

Everytime Dan Rather uses a bizarre folksy saying, take a drink. Doesn't matter what you're drinking, you'll get plenty. Check out the crazy shit Danny Boy said on election night 2000:

 

"This race is shakier than cafeteria Jell-O."

 

"Turn the lights down, the party just got wilder."

 

"It's cardiac-arrest time in this presidential campaign."

 

"He swept through the South like a tornado through a trailer park."

 

"Don't bet the trailer money yet."

 

"It's too early to say he has the whip hand."

 

"Now Florida, that race, the heat from it is hot enough to peel house paint."

 

"It's a ding dong battle back and forth."

 

"If he doesn't carry Florida Slim will have left town."

 

"If a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a hand gun."

 

"They both have champagne on ice, but after the night is over, they might need a pick axe to open them."

 

"This race is tight like a too-small bathing suit on a too-long ride home from the beach."

 

"It's about as complicated as a wiring diagram to some dynamo."

 

"Only votes talk — everything else walks."

 

"This will show you how tight it is — it's spandex tight."

 

"We're going to go to some of those longnecks from a long time ago."

 

"He's going to find that people will hang on him like a coat rack."

 

"This election swings like one of those pendulum things."

 

"This race is as tight as the rusted lug nuts on a '55 Ford."

 

"What we know is that there will be no decision until some of those races are decided."

 

"Al Gore has his back to the wall, shirt tails on fire with this race in Florida."

 

"You talk about a ding-dong, knock-down, get-up race."

 

"When it comes to a race like this, I'm a long distance runner and an all-day hunter."

 

"It's the American way: if you don't vote, you don't get to whine."

 

"Smelling salts for all Democrats please."

 

"Maybe you can bring some perspective on this, we're plum out."

 

"When the going gets weird, anchor men punt."

 

"Tipper is probably telling her husband to hook a U, go back to the house to get a recount."

 

"It doesn't matter if you're a Democrat, Republican or a mug wamp, elected officials play it straight."

 

"Florida is the whole deal, the real deal, a big deal."

 

"The presidential race still hotter than a Laredo parking lot."

 

"These returns are running like a squirrel in a cage."

 

"It was as hot and squalid as a New York elevator in August."

 

"Bush has run through Dixie like a big wheel through a cotton field."

 

"This will have the people in Austin standing up like they got stuck with hat pins."

 

"...in Austin, between the 10 gallon hats and the Willie Nelson head bands."

 

"The big burrito out there in California"

 

"They'll be doing back flips in Nashville."

 

"It would be Shakespearean for Al Gore to lose because of his home state."

 

"I think you would likelier see a hippopotamus run through this room than see George Bush appoint Ralph Nader to the Cabinet."

 

"None of this television mumbo jumbo, let's get in there and count the votes."

 

"Frankly we don't know whether to wind the watch or to bark at the moon."

 

"We've lived by the crystal ball, we're eating so much broken glass. We're in critical condition."

[slothrop]

That's some funny shit, Will.

 

Every time Jenna Bush speaks, drink until she shuts up.

 

If the Bushes win (that's GW and Laura), the DUI laws are revoked temporarily and you can all drive home from the election night party without fear of the police stopping you when you accidentally plow through a crowd of rioting Democrats.

[Dave_Schuldt]

Good ideas for nezt weeks' Pub Club.

[glacier]

You are HEALED!

 

[EWolfe]

* Special for Fox News viewers: whenever Fox calls a state prematurely for Bush, crush a beer can against your sloping Neanderthal forehead. No, an empty can, you moron!

 

lol!

[carolyn]

Thanks for the ideas.

I will be having an election party at my house. I figured if I get drunk enough it wont matter who wins (for the moment) and the next day I will feel too much like shit to care. Just delaying the inevitable feeling of doom one more day.

 

ANyway you get to drink at our house whenever they say:

Florida

Electoral Vote

Majority Vote

lawyer

battle state

 

We may all be passed out by mid-day!

[Squid]

'swing state'

'contested vote'

'fraud'

 

I'll hit the tequila every time I hear the phrase 'too close to call'

[carolyn]

I'll hit the tequila every time I hear the phrase 'too close to call'

 

[EWolfe]

I am afraid . Very afraid ...