My line of work is good compared to...

[Scott_J]

1. FLATUS ODOR JUDGE

 

Odor judges are common in the research labs of mouthwash companies, where the halitosis-inflicted blow great gusts of breath in their faces to test product efficacy. But Minneapolis gastroenterologist Michael Levitt recently took the job to another level—or, rather, to the other end. Levitt paid two brave souls to indulge repeatedly in the odors of other people's farts. (Levitt refuses to divulge the remuneration, but it would seem safe to characterize it thusly: Not enough.) Sixteen healthy subjects volunteered to eat pinto beans and insert small plastic collection tubes into their anuses (worst-job runners-up, to be sure). After each "episode of flatulence," Levitt syringed the gas into a discrete container, rigorously maintaining fart integrity. The odor judges then sat down with at least 100 samples, opened the caps one at a time, and inhaled robustly. As their faces writhed in agony, they rated just how noxious the smell was. The samples were also chemically analyzed, and—eureka!—Levitt determined definitively the most malodorous component of the human flatus: hydrogen sulfide.

 

Levitt defends his work against the reflexively dismissive by noting that doctors have never studied flatulence and that smell is a potentially critical medical symptom: "The odors of feces and intestinal gas and breath could all be important markers of gastrointestinal health," he says. Hydrogen sulfide, for instance, is an extremely toxic gas to mammals, potentially playing a role in ulcerative colitis, among other diseases. And so Levitt has dedicated his career to the study of the myriad fragrances produced by the human gut and imprudently ignored by the medical establishment.

 

2. DYSENTERY STOOL-SAMPLE ANALYZER

 

In the early '80s, Virginia Tech profs Tracy Wilkins and David Lyerly studied the diarrhea-causing microbe Clostridium difficile in sample after sample after sample of loose stool from the disease's victims. They became such crack dysentery docs that they launched a company, Techlab, dedicated to making stool-analysis kits. Today, Techlab employs 40 people, 19 of whom spend their working hours opening sloppy stool canisters and analyzing their contents in order to test the effectiveness of the company's kits. You'd have to have a pretty good sense of humor, right? Well, fortunately, they do. The Techlab Web site sells T-shirts with cartoons on the front (two flies hover over two blobs of dung; one says to the other, "Pardon me, is this stool taken?") and the company motto on the back: "Techlab: #1 in the #2 Business!"

 

3. BARNYARD MASTURBATOR

 

Researchers who want animal sperm —to study fertility or for artificial insemination—have a suite of attractive options: They can ram an electric probe up an animal's rectum, shove an artificial vagina onto the animal's penis, or simply do it the old-fashioned way—manual stimulation. The first option, electroejaculation, uses a priapic rectal probe to send electricity pulsing through the animal's nether regions. "All the normal excitatory signals that stimulate ejaculation, like touch, sight, sound and smell, can be replaced with the current from the probe," says Trish Berger, professor of animal science at the University of California, Davis. "It's fascinating. Of course, this is a woman talking." Electroejaculation generally requires anesthetizing the animal and is typically used on zoo dwellers. The other two methods—the artificial vagina, or AV, and the good old hand—require that animals be trained to the procedure. The AV—a large latex tube coated with warm lubricant —is used primarily to get sperm from dairy bulls (considered the most ornery and dangerous of bovines). The bull gets randy with a steer; when he mounts the steer with his forelegs, a brave technician, AV in hand, insinuates himself between the two aroused beasts and deftly redirects the bull penis into the mock genitalia, which he must then hold tight while the bull orgasms. (Talk about bull riding!) Three additional technicians attempt to ensure this (fool)hardy soul's safety by anchoring themselves to restraining ropes attached to a ring in the bull's nose. Alas, this isn't always absolutely effective: Everyone who's wielded an AV has had at least one close call, and more than a few have been sent to the hospital. The much safer "digital pressure" is used mostly with pigs, who are trained from an early age to mount a small bench while the researcher reaches around with a gloved hand and provides appropriate pleasure—er, pressure.

 

The best job in science? We nominate the pig.

Popular Science

[Thinker]

I'd heard that law enforcement officers who work with canines manually stimulate the beasts to bond with them.

 

A little googling turned up this:

http://www.wideasleep.net/~ton/pleasure3.html

 

Episode 3: Taking the Dog for a Wank

 

Following our recent revelation that British police dog handlers masturbate their dogs, we've been deluged with new information from dog-wankers and their friends.

 

Here's what we have learned this week:

 

1. Police dog handlers wank their dogs to stop them feeling stressed, and also to bond with them.

 

2. Sometimes dog handlers pay someone else (usually a teenage son) to wank their dog. The going rate seems to be five pounds a go.

 

3. Some farmers masturbate their sheep dogs, to make them more loyal.

 

4. Sheep and Police dogs that get regular hand-jobs are much easier to train

 

5. In New York, stressed dogs get sent to yoga classes. "Doga" is sponsored by gym chain Crunch. The Downward Facing Dog position is especially popular.

 

6. Doga: Yoga for Dogs is published by Chronicle Books in September, for anyone sick of having to wank the dog.

 

Episode 4: Happy Horsey Handjob!

 

Dog wanking is so widespread now it's become passe already. Horse masturbating is hip now.

 

1. Horses can wank themselves, by flexing their wangs and then whacking them hard against their stomachs until they come.

 

2. Stud horses are given "willy washes" by grooms a few days before they have to perform stud duties. Going rate for grooms - £10 a wank.

 

3. Horse-masturbation is also a good way to keep their wangers clean (or at least this is what a reader's mother told him when he caught her wanking the family farm horses....)

 

4. Final proof that horse wanking is cool? Trudie Styler (Mrs Sting) personally masturbates the Sting family horses.

 

(FYI: final word on dog-wanking: in greyhound racing, fast dogs are "nobbled" by being wanked just before a race to slow them down.)

[allthumbs]

nice

[whirlwind]

i'll give ya 5 pounds to wank on

[chelle]

Thinker...that is just wrong.

[Thinker]

I'm trying hard to keep it on a clinical level.