misadventures when I was young

[freeclimb9]

Here's a goofy but true story. I hope you find it entertaining. I put it on my candy website too: http://www.zappage.com/halfdomeconcessioncaper.html

 

Half Dome Concession Caper

 

(Earl Redfern and I wrote this story together based on a shared epic adventure. It was first published in Rock&Ice #24. We actually didn't flip off the Rangers. But everything else did happen.)

 

This is a true story. However, the names have been changed to protect the guilty and the author has chosen to remain anonymous. Two climbers named Archie and Gumby had a brilliant idea to open a highly illegal concession stand and sell refreshments to the tourists hiking to the top of Half Dome.

 

Gleefully prancing through the grocery store in Mariposa after consuming a ton of Mexican food, several shots of tequila and many beers at Maria's Cocina, we were not thinking about how much our burdens would weigh the next day.

 

We were thinking only of the zillions of tourons who walk up to Half Dome, thirsty, hungry and with dollars in their pockets. After all, how much would you pay for an ice-cold brew after nine miles of gruesome dust sucking?

 

"Wow Archie, let's get some Budweiser."

 

"Yeah, and some Coors and Coors Light, too."

 

"What about some orange juice and some apple peach nectar?" "Ummm, Snickers, Milky Ways, Kit Kat bars."

 

"We'll make a fortune!"

 

Awaking at six A.M. to the sound of a very obnoxious alarm clock and squirming away from the loving arms of two Australian girls was difficult, and at the time was thought to be the crux of the day. However, a couple hours later, we were humping eighty-pound loads up the trail to Half Dome with major hangovers from the night before and wondering if this was such a good idea after all.

 

"Hey Gumby, my ass is really cold and wet from all this melting ice."

 

"Yeah Archie, I think a couple cans of orange soda have broken in your' pack."

 

"I wondered what was so sticky on the backs of my knees."

 

On the way up we practiced our sales technique. "Hey mister, wanna buy a cold beer?"

 

"Ha ha, that's pretty funny, kid, you got 'em on ice in your pack?"

 

"Well, yeah, we do."

 

"I can't believe it, you kids are crazy, but it's a really good idea."

 

We were really psyched when, above Nevada Falls, we made our first four bucks. Every sale spurred us on up the miserable trail.

 

Upon arriving at Half Dome's shoulder, we initiated our security plan. I hung out down the trail with a good view and a walkietalkie, while Archie hawked at the tourons, "Hey folks, I got ice cold beer, root beer, cokes, orange juice, peach nectar, candy bars! It's all ice cold, folks, really cold, look at all this ice. Ummm, good!"

 

"Radio check."

 

"Check."

 

"All clear, no smokeys."

 

"Cool, man!"

 

All day long, tourons skipped happily down the Half Dome trail with cold beers and soft drinks. They were jazzed! Not everybody had money on the trail so some barter arrangements were made, if you know what I mean.

 

Certain tourons, who at first balked at the high price of our wares, came crawling to us on their way down from the top. But it was late in the day before we earned back our investment and were operating in the black. The crowds had dwindled, so we decided to cache the stash of goodies and head down the trail to the Valley.

 

"Oh well, we made $25.00. Let's split it."

 

"No, you keep it. I don't want to think about it. What a bummer day-we could have made more collecting cans in the Valley."

 

"At least we didn't get busted."

 

We were almost to Little Yosemite Campground when suddenly three rangers appeared on the trail. They abruptly confronted us and a rangerette asked, "Hey, have you guys seen anyone selling stuff up on the trail?"

 

Lying through my teeth, I answered, "Yeah, there were a couple of guys, but they went down the slabs."

 

Then Archie said, "Wow, it's getting dark and we don't have any headlamps so we need to hurry."

 

As everyone knows, rangers don't think too fast so we were about a hundred yards away when a scumbag stool pigeon said, "That's them."

 

The shit hit the fan. The rangers yelled, "Hey, you on the trail, stop!"

 

We gave them the finger and shouted, "You'll have to catch us!"

 

With rangers behind chasing us and more rangers being called on the radio, we dashed through the woods in terror.

 

"Wow, which way should we go?"

 

"Cross the river!" As it turned out, this was easier said than done.

 

"Don't fall in or you'll get washed over the falls!"

 

By this time it was starting to get really dark, and from the other side of the river we could see rangers on the trail like an angry swarm of hornets. As we dashed across some slabs, the rangers yelled, "Hey you, stop right there!" So of course we ran even faster than before. It was really hairball running across steep slabs above Nevada Falls when one slip could have meant death.

 

"Hey Gumby, let's make for the horse trail-they won't expect us to go down there. I'm sure it's this way."

 

"Maybe it's this way-I can't see a thing." THUMP!

 

"Sounds like a tree to me."

 

Finally we made our way down to just above Vernal Falls where we knew droves of rangers would be waiting for us. We were expecting an intelligently planned surprise ambush from the darkness, but the usual bright flashlights and blaring radios warned us long in advance of their presence. We jumped off the trail behind a fallen log and hid as three rangers came toward us. They stopped within a few feet of us, as we listened. . .

 

"Adolph, the offenders must come down some time."

 

"Yes, De Sade, but I think we should intercept above this quadrant."

 

"Affirmative. You cleanse the south sector and I'll cover the north."

 

"Check! We'll rendezvous above the Gauntlet."

 

Somehow they didn't detect our presence despite our being close enough to smell their strong breath. They split, but it took us awhile to get composed enough to continue our flight.

 

"Gumby, that was way close."

 

"No doubt. I was hugging this log like a lover."

 

We dashed across the bridge at Vernal Falls with three rangers in front of us and one behind. We could see their flashlights so we just stayed between them and moved as fast as we could down the trail. It was so dark we almost went off the trail for the two hundred-foot drop on several occasions.

 

For the last three hours we had run down the trail in total darkness, but somehow avoided the ranger dragnet. The bridge at the Vernal Falls trailhead presented the last crux of our escape route.

 

"Let's hide behind this tree and scan the bridge for rangers before we cross."

 

"I'll go first and if I get caught you can run."

 

"All clear!"

 

Free at last, we hurried through the Curry parking lot to our car. It was almost midnight and we'd made it!

 

 

[catbirdseat]

Sounds like every word was true!

[Dave_Schuldt]

Welcome back!

[rbw1966]

Great story. Whatever happened with your copyright issue?

[scott_harpell]

"Adolph, the offenders must come down some time."

 

"Yes, De Sade, but I think we should intercept above this quadrant."

 

"Affirmative. You cleanse the south sector and I'll cover the north."

 

"Check! We'll rendezvous above the Gauntlet."

 

renta-cops!

[EWolfe]

Great TR! Ever go back up and get the rest of the goodies?

 

Were you holding your "barters" at the time, and would that have been bad, were you caught?

[catbirdseat]

Actually, they went back up, but decided they didn't want to lug the stuff down, so they sat there and drank till it was gone. But then they were too drunk to walk so they had to bivy.

[freeclimb9]

rbw1966. I hired an expensive attorney who arranged a fair (not generous) settlement to resolve my trademark dispute. I'm driving a new car (a scooby WRX wagon), but have little else to show for my years of background work. As Ned Kelly said, "Such is life."

 

MisterE. The barter items included shots of Stoli and other stuff; Hey, it's Calfornia after all. We consumed the stash of beer on a later trip. We drank allthe Coors the night before we climbed the regular route on Half Dome. I recall feeling pretty crummy until the carbon was blown out leading the unprotected 5.9 chimney/squeeze (you know, the pitch other people avoid by climbing the A1 left of it) after the traverse pitches.

[rbw1966]

Glad to hear you got something out of it bro.