Dave_Schuldt Posted August 28, 2003 Share Posted August 28, 2003 > >Flight Attendant's speech > > > > > > > >This is hilarious.... You have got to read this if > you don't ever read > >anything else. This flight attendant should be on > stage somewhere. > > > >Check THIS out -- wouldn't you love to have this > attendant on your next > >flight? Thanks to a retired Delta Captain for > sending this "paraphrase" of > >a > >memorable safety PA from their Flight Attendants. > In his own words.... > > > >"I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this > weekend, and the flight > >attendant reading the flight safety information had > the whole plane looking > >at each other like "what the heck?" (Getting > Seattle people to look at each > >other is an accomplishment.) So once we got > airborne, I took out my laptop > >and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. > I've left out a few parts > >I > >m sure, but this is most of it." > > > >Before takeoff... Hello and welcome to Alaska > Flight 438 to San Francisco. > >If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the > right place. If you're not > >going to San Francisco, you're about to have a > really long evening. We'd > >like to tell you now about some important safety > features of this aircraft. > >The most important safety feature we have aboard > this plane is... The > >Flight > >Attendants. Please look at one now. There are 5 > exits aboard this plane: 2 > >at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the > plane's rear end. If u're > >seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store > your bags by your feet. > >That would be a really bad idea. Please take a > moment and look around and > >find the nearest exit. > > > >Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. > In the event that the > >need > >arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you > did. (This is excellent > >advice, and something I always do.) We have pretty > blinking lights on the > >floor that will blink in the direction of the > exits. White ones along the > >normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows. > In the event of a loss > >of > >cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down > over your head. You stick > >it over your nose and mouth like the flight > attendant is doing now. The bag > >won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, promise. > If you are sitting next > >to > >a small child, or someone who > >is acting like a small child, please do us all a > favor and put on your mask > >first. If you are traveling with two or more > children, please take a moment > >now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that > one-first, and then > >work > >your way down. > > > > > > > >In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet > about the safety features > >of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm > having my own personal > >summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has > pretty pictures. Please take > >it out and play with it now. > > > >Please take a moment now to make sure your seat > belts are fastened low and > >tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert > the metal tab into the > >buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a > pushy thing like your car > >because you're in an airplane -- HELLO!! > > > >There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. > There is also no smoking > >in > >the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the > lavatories, we will assume > >you are on fire and put you out. This is a free > service we provide. There > >are two smoking sections on this flight, one > outside each wing exit. We do > >have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... > hold on, let me check what > >it is .... Oh here it is; the movie tonight is Gone > with the Wind. > > > >In a moment we will be turning off the cabin > lights, and it's going to get > >really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the > dark, now would be a good > >time to reach up and press the yellow button. The > yellow button turns on > >your reading light. Please don't press the orange > button unless you > >absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat > ejection button. > > > >We're glad to have you with us on board this > flight. Thank you for choosing > >Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your > money. If there's anything > >we can do to make you more comfortable, please > don't hesitate to ask. > > > >If you all weren't strapped down you would have > given me a standing > >ovation, > >wouldn't you? > > > >After landing... > > > > > > > >Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. > Sorry about the bumpy > >landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the > copilot's fault. It's > >the Asphalt. Please remain seated until the plane > is parked at the gate. At > >no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane > to the gate. So please > >don > >t even try. > > > >Please be careful opening the overhead bins because > "shift happens." > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ursa_Eagle Posted August 28, 2003 Share Posted August 28, 2003 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sphinx Posted August 28, 2003 Share Posted August 28, 2003 On an Alaska Air flight I once had a dumbfuck stewardess who fucking SANG the preflight lecture! I had to suppress my urge to gag her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
E-rock Posted August 28, 2003 Share Posted August 28, 2003 What are you talking about? People who have the courage and creativity to mix-up everyday or mundane tasks should be applauded... like the goofy bus driver who pretends he's giving you a tour, or the overly-animated parking attendant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sphinx Posted August 28, 2003 Share Posted August 28, 2003 E-rock said: What are you talking about? People who have the courage and creativity to mix-up everyday or mundane tasks should be applauded... like the goofy bus driver who pretends he's giving you a tour, or the overly-animated parking attendant. Because it was embarrassing, stupid, juvenile, and inappropriate. Totally disgusting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Attitude Posted August 28, 2003 Share Posted August 28, 2003 Like spraying on cc.com. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neversummer Posted August 29, 2003 Share Posted August 29, 2003 I used to commute regularly between The Bay and Seattle, Had this very flight attendant on numerous occasions (or one that stole her act) She was quite funny and it was cool to see her add bits and pieces to it over the course of a year or so. And watching two little kids look at mom and ask panicked which one was the favorite was priceless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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