June Jokes

[allthumbs]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

 

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

 

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

 

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

 

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

[Dru]

An old woman is seen crying in a nursing home. An attendant asks what is wrong.

 

Woman: "My boyfriend left me for another woman!"

 

Attendant: "Boyfriend? At your age?"

 

Woman: "Yes!"

 

Attendant: "Aren't you too old? For well, you know.... getting physical?"

 

Woman: "Well, we could kiss, and hug, and sometimes I would hold his cock in my hand.... I can't believe he left me for that bitch Thelma Johnson!"

 

Attendant: "Thelma Johnson? But she's bedridden! Why would he leave you for Thelma Johnson?"

 

Woman: "She has Parkinson's!!!!"

[allthumbs]

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there -- that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?".

 

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm.

[freeclimb9]

A couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his wife and ask her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him. She kindly agreed and left. When she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put it on the counter in fornt of the clerk. He noticed that she didn't have any screws for it, so he asked her ''Do you want a screw for that hinge?''

She looked back at him and said ''No, but I'll blow you for that toaster in the window.''

[Dru]

[allthumbs]

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

[allthumbs]

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today" she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?"

 

So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to

drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer."

 

"Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.

 

Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

[allthumbs]

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives. The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

 

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to

buy any."

 

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and

says, "For the sake of decency here's $50, go and buy yourself some underwear".

 

Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Bejesus woman. You've no knickers - why not?"

 

She replies "I can't afford any on the housekeeping money you give me".

 

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of

decency here's $20, go and buy yourself some underwear!".

 

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it. "Hoots Mon woman! Wht d'ye hae no knickers?"

 

She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any."

 

The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's a comb, tidy yourself up a bit!"

[allthumbs]

A man goes to his doctor and says. " Doc, I have a problem.

My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is

sleeping over this Saturday, and my wife is coming home

Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

 

The doctor says, "You know, 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row

is pretty dangerous for a man of your age. I’ll give them

to you on the condition you return to my office on Monday so

that I can check you out."

 

The man agrees.

 

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor asks, "What happened"?

The man answers, "Nobody showed up!"