olyclimber Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 Pure spring water brought right to your door. The taste you remember from childhood. Call yourlocal lndian Spring man. He's in the Yellow Pages. It's only a fewpennies a day. Enjoy the winter clearance sale at Howlands. All prices drastically slashed. 50 per cent offon ladies' coats, with the look ofleather. Come on and see at 53 Market Street at the sign ofthe winking owl. WBROL Charlestown. Channel 8's 11 o'clock movie, RichardAnthony in High Risk Devils. Don't miss it. And now back to Jim Carr's Sports Talk. Hi. Jim Carr again. Denis, I know that some in our audience don't know the finer points of hockey. Could you tell them, for example, what is icing? Well, icing happen when the puck come down, bang, you know, before the other guys, nobody there, you know. My arm go comes out, then the game stop then start up. I see. What is high-sticking? High-sticking happen when the guy take the stick, you know, and he go like that. You don't do that. Oh, no. Never, never. - Why not? - Against the rules. You stupid when you do that, some English pig with no brains... Denis, what is slashing? Slashing is like that, you know? Mm-hm. And there's a penalty for that? - Yeah. And for trip also, you know. - Oh? Like that. And for hook like this. - And for spear, you know, like that. - Mm-hm. All bad. You do that, you go to the box, you know. Two minutes by yourself, and you feel shame, you know. - Mm-hm. - And then you get free. The Chiefs are at home against Hyannisport at the War Memorial at eight. Good seats are still available. - A look at sports. - I think that went very well. At defence, for the Chiefs, number five, Billy Charlebois. At centre tonight for the Chiefs, number seven, player-coach Reggie Dunlop. Dunlop, you stink! At left wing, number ten, Ned Braden. I hate you, Braden! Playing right wing, number 14, Jean-Guy Drouin! Frog pussy! Gentlemen, ournational anthem. Hey, Denis. - How's it going, Nick? - I'm drunk. - Nah! - I'm not bullshittin' ya. Got stinkin' shitfaced on the bus. Louise left me, and that son of a bitch over there keeps playin' me when he knows I'm shitfaced. Jeez, I'm really sorry. Anybody throws me against the boards, I'm gonna piss all over myself. Take it down the other end, Ned! I thought I'd get Jerry one of those "Great ldeas of the World" sets. You can look up the ideas alphabetically, like arts, mechanics, philosophy. Yeah. Johnny always says you can just screw so much and drink so much. We got Charlestown trailing here three to nothing, with 10.48 left in the first period. Whoops! Correction, folks. That's two to nothing. We don't wanna make it any tougher for the Chiefs. That's what you're paid for, Braden. Now try winning a game for a change! Number ten, Ned Braden, with his 18th goal ofthe year, assisted by numberseven, Dunlop, and number 14, Drouin. Ned Braden is now the leading scorer in the Federal League. Time ofthe goal... Tie it up out there, guys! Come on, defence! Get the puck outta there! Hit him, Billy, hit him. With us in the press box is injured Chiefs defenceman, Dave Carlson. Dave, is it tough sitting here watching your team lose like this? - Definitely, Jim. - You injured your knee in a game. - No. - No? I thought you had. No, I have a cold. You know, the runny nose and the sore throat. I went out in that storm there last week to start my car. I didn't have my jacket on. I think it's settled in my kidneys. We got action in the Presidents' goal. Hit him with your purse, ya pussy. Jesus, look at Brophy. He's plastered. He told me so. If anybody boards him, he's gonna piss all over himself. - Piss all over himself? Good one. - Faire pipi, eh? No, no. I OK. ..these games, and I'll check my memory against the statistics as soon as I can. Joe McGrath. Oh, yes, miss. Get off the ice, Nick. You're gonna kill yourself. They're out on the ice right now, giving their all. - Get it together! - They will be ready. Ensemble number 32, entitled "Omar Sharif', modelled by Chiefs defenceman, Billy Charlebois, who hails from, if I can read the card here, Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan. - The padded shoulders give it a '40s look. - You look nice, son. Real spiffy. Keep in mind that the perfect accessory for the man in your life is a season ticket to the Chiefs' games. - I look like some cocksuckin' faggot. - Have you seen Reg or Braden? Joe, I don't care. Enough is enough. Nowhere in my contract does it say I gotta make a fool outta myself. Am I right? - Have you seen Dunlop or Braden? - I'm gonna flash 'em, Joe. I'm gonna open this faggot robe and wiggle my dick. - You will not. - Yes I am, Joe, and you know why? I want you to have a heart attack and die so we never have to do this again. - Fuckin' fashion show. - It's good publicity. You fellas have not been drawin' 'em in the way you have in the past. I'm gonna wiggle it at 'em, you cheap bastard. Be prepared, because when I yank it out, everybody in that audience except my wife is gonna be runnin' for the exits. Ensemble number eight, as we watch Chiefs defenceman, Johnny Upton, modelling number eight. - Joe McGrath. Just checking on Dunlop... We have two generations of pro hockey with us for you folks to call in and question. Player-coach Reg Dunlop, and right wing Ned Braden. Reggie, you represent the old guard, one of the iron men of the Federal League. You've been playing pro hockey now for how many years? - Quite a few, Jim. - Is that right? On the other side of the scale, Ned, who's a college graduate and an American citizen. - At Princeton you were all-Eastern? - That's what it said in the yearbook. OK. Our lines are open. Anything you wanna know about the fascinating world of pro hockey... Here we go. Hi there. Jim Carr. What's your question? Hey, Dunlop, you old fart. Why don't you get outta the game and let some... We're gonna spin some music while we wait for our next caller. Before you do that, I know a lot of kids would enjoy coming to the games to see a great veteran like Reggie skate. While we wait for our next caller, we'd like to remind you folks calling in to keep your questions within the boundaries of good taste. What kind of broad is it that calls up and says something like that? - They're supposed to be our fans. - Who cares? It's over. Idiot McGrath and his shitty PR schemes. I hate that cheap little bastard. What are these poor fuckers gonna do when they close the mill? They ain't closing it, just jacking the guys around so they'll feel happy they got jobs. - It's the old tactic, the mindfuck. - Announced it today. April 1, they shut it tight. - Yeah? - Yeah. - That's a big surprise. - 10,000 mill workers placed on waivers. What the hell are they gonna do with them? I don't know. Every sucker for himself, I guess. - Hey, who's she? - Um... it slipped my mind. Oh, yeah? Maybe your wife'll remember. You're the best girl in the whole world. Yes, you are. Yes, you are. Ruby. How's my Ruby? How's my girl, huh? You're a sweetheart. I missed you. Yes, you're a sweetheart. Are you my girl? - Beginning to like it here, huh? - No. I hate it here. I'm cracking up, you know what I mean? - You don't look bad. - Can't figure it out. I'm slippin' fast. - I think you look fine. - Slow down. You're making her nervous. Jerry, I'd like to cancel the order. - And there's another little matter... - Hello? - Hey, Joe. - Would you hold it a minute? What happens to us when the mill closes? Don't worry about it. Here, the new boys are coming in on the 4.15 bus. I wanna know what happens... Who are these guys? I never even heard of 'em. - Son, just take 'em to the hotel. - I've done enough shitwork for today. - The fuckin' fans call in with dirty talk. - Reg. - Nothing in my contract says... - Reg! Do you see this quarter? It used to be a nickel. Now, the golden years are behind you. One season, you'll be hanging up the blades and retiring the axe. Fuck it. Then you'll remember it was Joe McGrath who trained you for the front office. I'm sorry, Jerry. Like I say, I'd like to cancel the order. In fact, I've got some equipment I'd like to sell. The skate sharpener, the massage table, the Jacuzzi, our bus... Transways Express Flyernumber 83, forPittsburgh, Cleveland... -..ready forboarding at gate two. Please have your tickets available. Hey! Hey! - You the Hansons? - Fuckin' machine took my quarter. Who are you? Reggie Dunlop, the coach. - Grab your gear and let's get goin'. - OK. Come on, Steve, let's go. - It took my quarter. - Think they show Speed Racer here? Hey, guys! Wait up. Look what I got! - You guys triplets? - No, I'm in the middle. Steve's 20 and Jeffs 18. - Where are you from? - Iron League. - The lron League, huh? A lot of fights? - Nah. Hey, I want a soda! We paid for a week, then you gotta find a room of your own. OK, Coach. Gimme a grape or an orange, and none of that stinkin' root beer! - We go on the road tomorrow mor... We're on the road in the morning. - Bus leaves the War Memorial at 8am. - I gave you a quarter at the bus station. Give me another dime. I'm savin' a dime to call Mom. Jesus Christ. You cheap son of a bitch. Are you crazy? Those guys are retards! I got a good deal on those boys. The scout said they showed a lot of promise. They brought their fuckin' toys with 'em! I'd rather have 'em play with their toys than with themselves. They're too dumb to play with themselves. Every piece of garbage on the market, you gotta buy it! Reg. Reg, that reminds me. I was coachin' in Omaha in 1948 and Eddie Shore sends me this guy that's a terrible masturbator. Couldn't control himself. He would get deliberate penalties so he could get into the penalty box all by himself, and damned if he wouldn't, you know... - Oh, Joe. Jesus. - What was his name? "To see the three Chiefs make a scoring rush, the bright colours of their jerseys... flashing against the milky ice, was to see a work of art in motion." That's good writin', Dickie. - I tried to capture the spirit of it. - You did. - Want a beer to go along with that? - It's ridiculous for us to be here. We stick out like a couple of sore thumbs. - I'm doin' what I like right here. - It's making you crazy too. - You're turning into a zombie. - I don't wanna have a stinkin' fight again. "Rookie goalie Denis Lemieux, continuing his brilliant first season with the Chiefs..." Il parle de la game d'hier, ecoute ca. OK. "Denis Lemieux continue sa saison..." My father'd give you a job. Yours would. I'm all for that. Always good to have choices. I just wanna get out of this goddamn dump. You take the van. I'll keep the dog. Hey, Lily. Come on... - What's the matter with her? - You're bullshit. You're really bullshit. - You're drunk. - Yeah, he's bullshit. Yeah? He and I are the only decent items in here. That's great. Why should she give a shit what people think? She's just scrappin'. My heart goes out to her. You guys gotta stop losin'. Get the power play together. Yeah, we're working on it. - Is he nice to her? - Yeah! He love her. He tell me. "I love her." Maybe Braden's a faggot. Did you think of that? You crazy? He has a big cock! Like a horse! Love is good, love can be strong We gotta get right back to where we started from All right, it's comin' on, we gotta get right back Think that lady in the red dress'll go home with me? - No. She's not your type. - How much? Five dollars she don't even look at your face. You got a cute way oftalkin' You got the better ofme - God, Francine, you look terrific. - You're right. You've been had. That's his wife. I'm in a spin, you know So, how's your money holdin' out? There's a beer in the fridge if you want one. - Is that a new dress? - Sort of. Looks good. Kinda tight. I think I'm gaining a little weight. - I don't know. Maybe it's better tight. - Maybe. Is that the first time you wore that dress? Been goin' out? Gettin' around? You been seein' somebody in that dress? Makin' out? - That's none of your business any more. - Jesus, Francine. I think about you all the time. Nothing is ever over. If I wasn't so goddamn busy, I mean, I'd see more of you. I was gonna come down the other night and ask you to the Aces, but, I don't know, something came up. What? You need dough? - Save your money. You're gonna need it. - Who, me? When they close the mill, the Chiefs'll fold. - That's bullshit. - These people are gonna be broke. They're not gonna be going to hockey games. You're not getting any younger. - I got nothing to worry about. I coach. - You're no good at it. Every player on that team thinks I'm the greatest. - What? - You're a losing coach. You can't make 'em win. I was thinking about you the other day, tryin' to imagine you when you're through with hockey, and I couldn't. There was nobody there. - What are you gonna do? - I'm gonna come back to you. Too little, too late. - Hey! Charlie! Ned! Ned! I underlined the fuck scenes for ya. Get back in the van. You're gonna catch pneumonia. Go back to the van, cos you're gorgeous and you're gonna catch pneumonia. Go get her, Billy. - Back in the o" iron lung. - She underlines the fuck scenes for ya? Jeez, she must worship the ground you walk on. They teach you how to underline in college. Not the fuck scenes, they don't. Braden, you gotta learn to put out more, you know what I mean? Holy Mother of God. Ned. Ned, are you seein' what I'm seein'? Hey, Billy. Jesus! It's finally happened. - Hi, guys. How you doin'? - Hello. - Hey, fellas. - They're fuckin' horrible-lookin'. Don't look at me. It's McGrath's doing. What did he trade for these assholes? A used puck bag? I think it's a fuckin' disgrace. - Watch Braden. He's gonna do somethin'. - Hi. - Are you guys brothers? - Are you guys brothers! - What a life. - OK, bets on the trip, men. Walt has entrusted me with our ETA in Lancaster, $5 limit. OK. I'm ready to take estimates from the membership. Walt is the leading contender for the outdoor record, Charlestown-Lancaster. All aboard, son. Let's go, Walt. Where are the new boys? Oh, son. There are your brothers. - Why is the fuckin' old man on this trip? - I don't know. I'm expecting great things from you. Walt, you didn't tell me you were holding out on your old bookmaker. Ooh, and it's all right, and it's comin' on We gotta get right back to where we started from Love is good... - Who opened? - On the stick. Let's go, Denis. Two dollars. Two bucks. I'll call. - Fold. - Let's see. Two and sixes. - Hey, that's nice. - I'm out. - Kings over. - Fuck. - I lose my blouse. - Shirt. Your shirt. Shit. Denis, mon ami, if you sign your contract over to me, I'll prorate your losses. Jesus, Braden. You would, wouldn't you? My ambition is to win all your contracts, own this club and run it my way. - I'd make a fortune. - Yeah. Compulsory fashion shows every afternoon. - Radiothons twice a week. - Recycled jockstraps. - Who owns the club, anyway? - I don't know. You don't know? What do you mean? A corporation owns it. - Who cares? You get your cheques. - That's the spirit, Reg. That's it. Hey, pot's light. Come on. Who's in? What's the game? Same game. Jacks or better, progressive. Nothing wild, right? Though it's onlyjust begun You give me yourlove... -..for two to gorgeous Honolulu! - Oh, my God! You'll be staying at the all-new Leisure lnn in downtown Waikiki... Hey, Drouin. Change the channel! Changez la canal. Jean-Guy, leave it. Touche pas. - Shittiest rink in the fuckin' league. - That ice is a goddamn disgrace. You oughta put fuckin' Downy in these jerseys, Charlie. Whoa! Hey, guys. Whoa, whoa. - We're in trouble. - What? Oh, shit, he's here. - Who? - Ogilthorpe. - Ogie Ogilthorpe? - You know Ogilthorpe? - Ogil-terp? - Ogilthorpe. For the sake of the game, they oughta throw him in San Quentin. - He is a criminal element! - The worst goon in hockey today. - Oh, yeah. Real cement-head. - Big Afro. 21, 22. Watch out for him. He's not playing. He's suspended. That's Ogie! 15 minutes. Let's go, now. Big crowd out there tonight. Let's really try to win this one, eh, boys? Gotta hand it to the old bastard, he's original. That man travelled 15 hours by bus to say that? Hey. - What are you guys doin'? - Puttin' on the foil. - Every game. - Yeah, you want some? No. Jesus fuckin' Christ. They don't leave the bench. Charlie, ska... Come on, now. The Chiefs are a terrific organisation. But, well, the mill is closing, and I think next year I'd be interested in a good front-office job. Al, that's why I made the trip. I wanted to talk to you fellas face to face. Excuse me just a minute, Al. Son. Push thatpelvis way up there. Way, way up there. Raise your tummy up to... Let's play it smart out there tonight. I wanna see a lot of work from you guys. Use your heads on the ice out there, will ya? We all know how to play hockey. Just play it smart. - Get out there and stick 'em! - Fuck 'em! - Let's go! - Come on! - Come on! - Let's go, now. - We need this win. We've a lot of losses... - Yeah! That's what we're here for, guys. To win. Play heads-up out there. Let's be smart. We're better than any club if we try. Come on, Braden. Our line starts. It's fucking embarrassing. - Come on, guys. We can get it back! - What for? We're history. - What are you talkin' about? - McGrath's tryin' to get himself a job. - Fuckin' team's folding. - I knew there was a reason he came. - Nobody told me anything. - He wasn't gonna tell you. The fucker was holdin' on till he could scrounge a job. - Jesus Christ. - Cover his wrinkled old ass. Fuckin' Chrysler plant, here I come. - The team, fini. Kaput. - Fini? This is the last season. It'll be announced tomorrow. I'm too old to be traded in. A one-in-a-million chance. I'm gonna be calling my brother tomorrow at the fuckin' Chrysler plant. Operator? Operator? Ah! Bernard. Yeah. They close it. Yeah. Yeah, I want to echanger. Bernard, call Detroit, tell them bullshit. Yeah. Yeah, something. Wait. Ned, what's echanger in English? Trade me right fucking now. Trade me right fucking now! Now hang up. Hello? - Wait a minute. Reg! - Yeah. Yeah. Hey! If I had to do it again, I would've gotten an education. You know what I mean? Jesus Christ, look at Ned here. He doesn't have to depend on hockey. What are you doin' here? Oh. Where's Hanrahan? I know a good bar here. The Palm lsle. Fucked the barmaid last trip. I mean, I walked into the place, she comes up to me without even sayin' hello and just rubs up against me. Ah, come on, Mo. Jesus. What? I mean, she had her jugs right up against my suit. - Nipples as hard as little rocks. - Right, Morris. Yeah. What's the address? Any of you guys know the Palm lsle in this town? Yeah. Don't move. Before Larry has his one chance at ourJackpot Bowl, is there anyone you would like to say hello to back home? - Ten bucks he says the guys at work. - Ten bucks, wife and kids. - I'm with Braden. -..the camera and say hello to anybody. I'd like to say hi to all the guys down at work. - All right! - Ha! Put my fucking car back on the track, will ya? One more lap. - Hi, Coach. - Hi, Coach. How are ya? - Two-nothing. Two-nothing. - Come on. - Brought your cars, huh? - We're on the road. - We're all set to go. - Tell us when. Oh. I'm shufflin' lines around, guys. I'll let you know when I get it straightened out. - OK, Coach. - See you later, Coach. Five-nothing. Five-nothing. - I'm beating you guys. - The thing's not workin'. I quit. I don't wanna play no more. You broke the darn car. - How am I supposed to play? - You big baby. You are the first man I've slept with since I left Hanrahan. Oh, Suzanne. A beautiful woman like you? I've been sleeping with women. Are you shocked? No. Did you ever wanna sleep with a man? - No. - Never? No. I don't blame you, though, Suzanne. You see, women's bodies are beautiful. But men's bodies, I see 'em everywhere. Locker rooms, cocks all over the place... - Do you wanna know how it happened? - No, that's OK. No, that's all right. Cos I have to tell it in court anyway. See, every time Hanrahan went out on the road, I would go over to this wife's house, and we would get drunk, and we would talk about how depressed and lonely we were without the guys. Every week, blah, blah, blah. Then, one night, we were talking about how we hated the life, and how we had never done much of anything ourselves. And I don't know why, really... We were like kids. We started playing with one another. We were drunk, as usual. The next week we did it sober, and it was terrific. At the end of the day, I think about women. I think about women's bodies. Maybe it'll change, and I'll wind up sleeping with old goalies. Things being what they are, who knows? When Hanrahan found out about it, he went crazy. He said if I was a dyke, that made him a queer. He started slapping me around. I ended up in the hospital. - Oh, Jesus. - Yeah. I'm on the lam. I'm hiding out. We play him next week, you know. Oh, God. I'm so sick of those games. They seem so childish. The Chiefs are folding. The mil"s closing, and the economy and stuff. I just found out about it tonight. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Christ. A handsome man like you, Reggie? It ain't easy. I don't see myself in one of those bullshit nine-to-five jobs. - Well, you could get traded. - Suzanne, I ain't a rookie any more. So far as the coaching goes, you know, the Chiefs are... Hey. Use your imagination. It's what I've been doing. Oh, look at me! Here I am, a no-good runaway hockey wife. A dyke. Turn it off! I hate it! I hate it, I hate it! - I don't wanna watch it! - Don't touch that television! Sorry about the Chiefs, Reg. I'm doing a tribute to the team on Sunday. "Chiefs Fold: A Sad Commentary." - Something along those lines. - Dickie. Something's afloat. This is on the QT, but I think they're gonna sell us. I can't name names, but let's just say that there's a senior citizen's community in a southern state that's in the market for a hockey team. - The Chiefs? - Actually, it's Florida. See, they're gettin' a bunch of old geezers down there from the northeast. And what do you think those old geezers really miss in Florida? I think there are a lot of shysters in Florida. Hockey. Their own team. A Saturday-night game. Those poor old people down there, they gotta have something to root for. - You're a pussy. Daddy, he called me a pussy and then he changed the station. Don't bother your daddy now. Work it out amongst yourselves. Baby, baby, baby! Now, let me get this straight. A retirement community has bought the Chiefs? - Oh, no. I said negotiating. - Well, that's not much to go on, Reggie! Dickie, Dickie, they've already built the rink! They've dumped a lot of capital into this. What they're really lookin' for is a cheap deal on a team. And since we ain't exactly the Boston Bruins... How could anybody in his right mind buy a fifth-place team? That situation is gonna be changed, I guarantee you. Watch your wing! Hey, Hanrahan! Hanrahan! Cover the point, goddamnit! Come on, Mo! Give it to him. It's along the boards! Nail him, nail him! Hanrahan! Suzanne sucks pussy! Get him outta there! Watch it behind the net! Hey, Hanrahan! She's a dyke! I know! I know! Come on! Pick it up, take it out! She's a lesbian! A lesbian! - A lesbian! - Son of a bitch! You're nuts, Hanrahan! He wouldn't dare pull anything like that on Johnny. That's it. That's all. - Hold it. That's all. - What the fuck you talkin' about? - You're out. - Son of a bitch! Jesus Christ! Good job, guys. That's the way. Two points, that's it. My allergy to those fucking fans, you know, has returned. That ends the longest losing streak ever. - What did he say to Hanrahan? - Two points, eh? Hey, Reg! Reg! What did you say to him? - I told him his wife was a dyke. - No! - Yeah! - Fuck! Jesus Christ. No wonder he flipped his lid. Anybody called my old lady a dyke, I'd go fuckin' bananas. His wife is a dyke. - Jesus Christ. Poor fuckin' guy. - Does that make him a fag? Fuck him. Hanrahan's an ape. I knew it would piss the shit out of him. She's a fantastic gal. I mean, fantastic! I knew it'd drive him berserk. You nailed him, Coach, in the fucking head. - Right in his mind. - He deserved it! Yeah! Yeah! That was wrestling shit. They didn't have a backup goalie. It was a garbage goal. No, no. You gotta twist them and fuck with them. It was a garbage win. Hey! Hey, Lily! Lil! Where you goin'? Hey, Lily! Hey, Lily. Hey! Lil! Jesus, Lily, there've been three rapes and two murders in this park in one year. - I didn't do it. - We're gonna freeze to death. If you leave, you won't have that problem, will ya? - What's the story on that dog? - What? What's the story on that dog? That's the dog that saved Charlestown from the 1938 flood. Well, fuck him. He's just gonna shock her with his views on life. You know, if you were to come up to my apartment, I'd fix you a hot drink, rub your back, and we could find a good game on TV. Great. I'd even fix you something to eat, tell you some stories, and... Well, by the time pneumonia set in, you'd be sound asleep. Well, see you around. You know, he's... he's been so kind to me. He comes in every day. He really doesn't wanna rush yourprogress right now. I think I'll invite him out to the summerhouse tonight, so that we can talk about you more. I wish I could put my arms around you. When you get out ofthisjacket, you can. - Hi, guys. - Hi, Coach. Reg. I sold your car. - My 260Z? - Yes. But that was my car. Alex, don't you remember?. When you had the amnesia, you gave me power ofattorney. I'd forgotten. - That cunt is no good. - Nice talk. I've boxed up everything. She do that to make him crazy so he don't know what he doing. Cynthia Pierce is having an affair with Carl Barton. - She's lyin' to him. - Oh, Alex. Alex. You mustn't be weak. I don't believe this. I don't friggin' believe this! Hey, you guys, listen. "Chiefs Sought By Florida Retirement Community." - Oh, come on, Dave. - No, Johnny, it's right here. Hey, JG, Jimmy, come over here. Listen to this. "Unidentified but reliable sources have informed the Times Herald that a St Petersburg, Florida retirement community is negotiating with the Charlestown Hockey Corporation for the purchase of the Chiefs." It's right there, Reg. Look at that. Yeah! Dickie Dunn wrote this. It's gotta be true. Fantastic! - Florida. - What sucker would buy the Chiefs? Jealous there, big guy? Your mother shoulda bought you skates! Cut off my balls, I'll be skating in Florida - We're gonna miss you. - Here's to the sap that'd buy the Chiefs. Hell, here's to the Sunshine State! Here's to all that gorgeous snatch in FLA. Yeah! - What's wrong, Reg? - Huh? Oh, nothing. You got an expression of sadness on your face. - I guess this is my last season. - No, it's not. We're being bought. At my age, you gotta think about retiring. I know all the other teams laugh at me. - That's not true. - They do. I hear 'em, every game. They're just saying that to get you upset. It doesn't mean anything. Thanks, kid. Maybe you're right. Drouin, open your fucking eyes! Tough news, Barclay. Sorry. What fuckin' news? Minnesota dropped you. Yeah, it's in Hockey News. I'll save it for you. I got a contract! Come on, let's go, let's go! Come on! Let's go! Know what your problem is, Dunlop? You're too fuckin' old to play this game. Take that sentence back! Too much, too soon. Dave, hold it steady. You're makin' me miss. You got him, Dave! Did you hear what he said? He shouldn't have said what he said. You don't say stuff like that on the ice. - Let's just win the game. - We are winnin' the friggin' game! You goon! You wanna say some more, you ugly bastard? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, get him! We were all there. We all saw it with our own eyes. Dave. Goddamn lardass, Barclay Donaldson. I'm tellin' you, he jumped us. Gloves off, stick down, no warning. He challenged the Chiefs! - He called us names. - Called us names! - But Dave was there. - Dave's a killer! - Dave's a killer. - Dave's a mess. OK, but Dave's out. - Who's gonna take his place? - Is the answer Jesus? OK, guys. Show us what you got. God save us. Kill 'em! Kill the bastards! I do not believe my friggin' eyes. These guys are a fucking disgrace. And I'm telling you, Broom County is just visibly upset by this display. Get places for the home games. Bring the kids. We got entertainment for the whole family. There goes Jeff Hanson into the corner. No, it's Jack. 17. I'll have to check that later. A crushing check on the boards! Things are really going on out there now! Now Steve is in front of the net. I think that's Steve. Yes. No. Yeah, it is Steve. And I think that was Jack. It was Jeff or Jack. These brothers are stomping all over... - You! Out! - What? - You! Out! - Huh? What for? - You! Out! - No! No! - Get your eyes examined, you idiot! - What are you doin'? - They're all gone! - It was self-defence, for Christ's sake! - They're gone! - How much do you expect a man to take? - Don't come near me. - Are you runnin' a goddamn dance? - Open it. - Joe, who own the Chiefs? - Owns. Owns. Owns. Owns. I don't know. Thanks. - OK. What? - He don't know. - How'd you ask? - I say "Who own the Chiefs?" - What did he say? - Owns. Owns. For Christ's sake. I don't care who own the Chiefs. I hate it here. It make me sick. My allergy, puke every time, bleugh! Like that, puke. You're a goalie. You're supposed to be like that. Somebody own the Chiefs. We go to Florida and I get the money. That's nice. I don't like the way they cover their jugs all up with the feathers, you know, Reg? They are so beautiful. They oughta cut the costumes up higher on the thigh, so you can see more ass. You make me sick when you speak, Morris. This isn't art. This is sex. Ooh! Ogilthorpe fucked her, you know. It's true. I heard it from a couple of guys. Ogilthorpe fucked the last girl on the pinwheel of the lce Stravaganza. That's her, right there. Get your butt in gear, for the love of Mike. - You gals like skatin', huh? - Sure. I mean, dressed as bluebirds with all them feathers on, racin' around the ice like that. - You should talk. - No, well, I just asked out of curiosity. - I like to see how the other half lives. - Renee, I like to skate too. - But the hair is rotten here. - Hair? Yeah. The hair. - Air. - It make me sick. - Your face is a mess. - I got in a fight. See? I don't know. It looks sorta cute. - Are you a fighter? - Nah. I'm a lover. Is your team any good? No. In fact, we're so bad that we're disbanding. What about Florida, eh, Reg? - Well, we got a win. - We won three games in a row, Reg. - Yeah. We're on a roll. - We're on a roll. We're gonna win. - How's Ogie Ogilthorpe? - Who? - Ogie Ogilthorpe. You know old Ogie. - Ogie. - You think he's all he's cracked up to be? Is he a nice guy? I'll be right back. - You're doing great. You've got 'em... - Oh, yeah. You betcha. Hey, Coach! How you doin'? Son of a bitch. Ooh, and it's all right, and it's comin' on... Hey, where the hell did all this beer come from? - It's from the owner. - The owner? Yeah. How's his family, Reg? He told me to say he's glad we're winnin', cos it'll make it easier to close that Florida deal. - You find the guy name? - Oh, yeah. - He's neat. Looking to get us bonuses. - Hey, that's good news, eh? - Yeah. - What? What? - Beats me. No one can take yourplace lfyou get hurt - What the fuck is that? Hey! Where? Oh, yeah! - We thought it'd be a big surprise. - It's wonderful! You look like my mother! You're beautiful! Yeah! Billy! Hey. It's me, Reg. How are you? We're kickin' the shit outta everybody. We're unbeatable. Listen, I got a favour to ask ya. Yeah. Remember Francine? All together in one room. Why not? My ex-wife. Yeah, the pretty one. Well, has she been in there? - We're in the Chiefs! - It's against our policy. Couple of tickets in it for you. Which bar? Wait a minute. Hold it. No, it's just everybody's going bananas in here. - They convicted Ogilthorpe. - Help me. Get the manager. Somebody help me. Eddie? Listen, this guy she was with - what did he look like? It's their rink, it's their ice and it's their fuckin' town. - But tonight we got our fans with us! - Yeah! They spent their own dough to get here, and they came here to see us. Let's show 'em what we got. Get out on the ice and let 'em know you're there. Get that stick in their side, let 'em know you're there. Get that lumber in his teeth, let him know you're there! Bleed all over 'em. Let 'em know you're there. Give 'em a good warm-up, Danny. Let's go. Come on, fellas. Good game tonight, guys. The Peterborough Patriots versus the Charlestown Chiefs, brought to you by Sheehan's Rustproofing. The Chiefs have come out on the ice for a warm-up period. They're about to try for their fifth consecutive win. They're applauded by their booster club, who have travelled all the way from Charlestown to be here tonight. There's no one to stop it because there are no officials on the ice. What has come over the Charlestown Chiefs? And the rockets' red glare The bombs bursting in air Gave proof through the night That our flag was still there I got my eye on you. You pull one thing, you're out. I run a clean game. Any trouble, I'll suspend you. I'm listening to the fucking song! O'er the land of the free No. No, no. To Mrs Reggie Dunlop, from Reggie Dunlop. Collect. Well, make it... Operator, I'll pay for the call here. Whoa! - What are you doin'? - Makin' it look mean. Yeah! Honey? We won last night. Yeah, we won. I got a good winning streak going... - Who is this? Hello? Shit! A little bit south ofSaskatoon Me and Junie Mae, we got on fine Till I had to move Gin. Eight. - Hey, Reg? - Yeah? - I think I'm gonna change my name. - Oh, yeah? Yeah. Killer. Hey, that's got a nice ring to it, kid. Yeah. I'm not gonna do it. - I'm not gonna goon it up for you. - No? Nope. I'll bench you. I'll take my chances. Keep on thinkin' ofmy honeymoon A little bit south ofSaskatoon Pick up the boosters! Pull over, Walt! Let's get the girls in here. Come on, Walt! Great. My husband will kill me when he finds out. Let's go. Their bus is coming up the street! They're coming! We don't need you here! There's no room in sports for people like you. Get outta town! Keep thinkin' ofmy honeymoon A little bit south ofSaskatoon By a big old fire and honeymoon A little bit south 7-1. There's the face-off. Charlestown Chiefs seem to be coming down the ice with the puck. Kill those Hanson creeps! You goons! You can't skate! We like to see an old-fashioned brand of hockey played here. You're a bunch of animals, you Hanson apes! Get outta town, four-eyes! - Is this the guy? - Yeah, that's him! No, he's over there! Ladies and gentlemen, look at that. You can't see that. I'm on radio. No, no, not him. That's the one! Go fuck a moose, froggy! Think we should get into this? Just a thought. - It wasn't me! - No, Jeff, no. It's the other guy. Think the old folks in Florida are gonna like these guys? I don't believe a word of that Florida shit. The fans are standing up to them. The security guards are standing up to them. The peanut vendors are standing up to them! If I could get down there, I'd be standing up to them! - What hit you? - An object, right in the face. - I know. What was it? - I don't know. Key chain, you know. - Car keys, house keys. - Keys to the camper. - Hi, guys. - The Hansons. Guys? Put the fucking bus in gear. The cops have come for the Hansons. - The cops? - How many are out there? The Hansons. I throw up my hands. I can't control 'em any more. They gotta be punished. Will you do me a favour and put 'em behind bars? They're looking for you guys. There's gotta be some misunderstanding. Look at his lip. Somebody threw a fucking tyre chain, hit him right in the mouth. Scratches, made by human fingernails. This kid has taken a savage beating. There's six of them out there for us. They're gonna put you in the same jail with Ogilthorpe. Come on, you guys. They let you make one phone call. They book you, then they give you a dime and let you make one phone call. - Call the pizza man! - Why don't you call a massage parlour? - Hey, guys, we'll see you later. - Save me a piece of pizza. - Don't eat my watermelon sticks. - Don't admit to nothing, you guys. It's me - Reg. They're puttin' the Hansons away on a trumped-up charge. Someone threw a monkey wrench. Yeah, it hit Jeff right in the face. No, they were defending the honour of Charlestown at the time. The boosters are behind us 100 per cent. Dickie? Have you seen Francine? Sergeant, you will never meet a greater champion of pure hockey than me. Sergeant, I knew Eddie Shore! - You guys back there? - Hey, Coach! Peterborough lost tonight, so as of now we're in the play-offs! Sergeant, I would like to see the bail just a little more reasonable... - Joe, hurry it up. Let's get outta here. - Sergeant, when is the trial? You can't keep them here. They're folk heroes. - They're criminals. - Most folk heroes start as criminals. Sergeant, you're asking an exorbitant sum. Joe, I got it right here. How much are these goons gonna cost us? - Hey, guys! Braden's bailin' you out! - $250 each. This young fella is in a hurry because he's got the prettiest wife you ever saw waitin'. - But she ain't happy. - Sam, let 'em out. I want a receipt. Hey, hey, hey! Hey, Coach, look, we got to keep our bracelets. Thanks a lot, Sarge. - Let's get on the bus. - Look at that. The boys and I want you to have this as a little memento. It's a Chiefs key ring. You can't buy these in stores. - Aren't those Hansons something? - Aren't they, though? - They're sorta funny-looking. - Real funny-looking. - They're probably real good guys. - Underneath. - They couldn't be as dumb as they look. - Yes, they could. They're just goons. Johnny doesn't care for fighting. He told me so. That's bullshit. If we weren't so far below sea level, the radio reception here'd be much better. Ooh, I'm getting tipsy! I've been shitfaced for the past week. I only drink in the afternoon. Or before a game. Or when Johnny's away. Me too. If I'm not tight, I can't stand it. That's terrible. It's sad So sad It's a sad, sad situation And it's getting more and more absurd It's sad So sad Why can't we talk it over?. Oh, it seems to me That sorry seems to be the hardest word - How you doin', Lil? - Hey, Johnny. Hey, Lil? Lil! Hiya. Let's go someplace. You know the Aces? - Bully! - Let's start something. - Get the fuck out. I'm going home. - Oh, yeah? Where's Braden going? I got a better idea. Let's die in bed. - You're nuts. - Jeez. You really married a weirdo. He don't run with the traffic. - Speakin' of weirdos. - Me? I'm normal. Yeah? Well, then, normal is fucked. How come you talk dirty? Cos my family has money. Leave him. My wife left me. I was drivin' her crazy. All she could do was drink and cry, like you. Every time she sees me, it drives me nuts, cos I know she's askin' herself "How did I get mixed up with a bum like him?" - Good question. - Oh, yeah? Next year you'll ask yourself the same question about Braden. He treats you like shit. He told me you only paid attention to me to make him crazy, so that he'd fight. Yeah. That's part of it. But mainly it's cos I think you're a champ. Only you gotta stop killin' yourself. My place. Hm. That's a coincidence. - Get out! - Hey. You gotta roll with it, kid. Use your imagination. That's what I've been doing. I can get you straight. Beat it. Well, I'll see you later. I'm proud of you. They're talkin' about you in the streets. - Want a White Avenger?. - No. Gimme a cup of coffee. - That was a nice tribute to the guys. - I tried to capture the spirit of the thing. This is Dickie Dunn. He wrote the article on you. Hi, guys. Nice to meet you. I was tryin' to capture the spirit of the thing. Hi, guys. See the game tonight, compliments of the Chiefs. - Gee, thanks, Reggie. - Hey! Free tickets! - Sure! Spread 'em around, guys! - Hey, thanks. Come to the game, compliments of the Chiefs. - Thanks, Reggie. - You taught that guy a lesson last night. - He was sensational. - I guess that was a big fight? - Are you in pain? - No. It hurt like hell. Oh, you poor thing. Look, I'll make you a double dose of this stuff, and you won't feel anything. Good. What happened to you? He got that in the fight last night. That is a very deep cut. Will you be at the game? If I see you in the stands, it make me feel better. Hey, Killer! Get 'em tonight! Fuckin' wearin' me out. - Reggie. - Oh, hiya, honey! How are you? - You look a thousand years old. - It was a long bus ride. - Did you listen to the game? - Of course not. We got a new attitude! It's bringin' success. - Well, any fool can fight. - No, I swear to you. The Chiefs will be sittin' pretty in Florida when this town is a stinkin' memory. You see, I personally have been talkin' to the owner, which is why I've been too busy to call you. Every wakin' hour I'm on the phone with this guy... Reggie, Reggie. I'm moving. - What? - To Long lsland. A gal who works in a shop there has a space open. Business here is just dead. Are you really goin'? You know, we have to get divorced one of these days. I mean, I could meet somebody, you could meet somebody, you know? Yeah? Well, don't look so sad. It's gonna be a big one! - See those guys? - Reggie, look. I'm late. I'll write you when I get settled. Hey. I'll try to call you before you go. - It sucks! - No, son. It looks nice and sells hockey. It ain't mean enough. Put some blood in there. Show somebody gettin' hurt. A groin injury. Put a fuckin' map of Florida in the background. Get some tits in! Put a "For Sale" sign on the bottom. I don't want any tits and I don't want any "For Sale" sign. Jesus. Remember that great Peterborough game in... '68? Yeah. What about it? Jacky St Pierre's wife left him. My God, it was snowing like hell before we even got to the motel. - Yeah. - Jacky had a whole keg sent in. Poor Jacky. He had a future. I told him to watch that drunk drivin'. God, Joe, did we ever get shitfaced! And Jacky told everybody he was gonna get Jill back even if he had to beg her. - I told him not to do that. - Oh, I think he shoulda. She was a dynamite broad. - God, did we get shitfaced. - I liked Jacky. - Yeah. He could've been great. - Yeah. And remember I went up to your room afterwards and you were dressed in chick's clothes? Yeah, you had on this black bra with tassels. You were dancing in front of a mirror with this kinda zebra-skin jockstrap. Remember how I screamed at you when you started comin' on to me and I just said "Jesus, stop it, Joe. I'm ashamed of you." Damn you. I wanted to tell you that I forgot the whole thing. Years have passed. Now I'm sexually liberated. I don't care who's a fag no more. I mean, who cares? It's natural. It's all around us. Who's the owner, Joe? He's probably calling Florida. See how the sale is going. I was in Florida once, on a Southern tour, where I met this little redhead who was an underwater specialist. The first thing she says to me was "Come on out by the pool." So I went out, and she comes leaping out with this banner, wearing nothing but this little see-through wet suit. - Hey, Reg, I want a chair by the pool. - I want some snatch by the pool. - Reg, you want a Coke? - No, I can't. I'm tapin' an interview at the station. They're playin' it at four. Don't miss it. That was some road trip. Six straight wins and a whole new rash of penalty minutes. Well, we got a whole new attitude. What about the Hanson brothers? They're not just bullies? Just bullies? They scare the bejesus outta everybody! - Deliberately? - Well... I'd like the folks to come down and watch us cream them punks from Syracuse. Anything new on the sale of the Chiefs? I think the negotiations are... you know, goin' pretty good. I have a personal announcement, though. I am placing a personal bounty on the head of Tim McCracken. He's the coach and chief punk on that Syracuse team. - A bounty? - Yeah. A hundred bucks of my own money for the first of my men that nails that creep. That's eight o'clock at the War Memorial, the Syracuse and the all-new Charlestown Chiefs. - Thanks, Reg. - Not to worry, kid. I'm placing a personal bounty on the head ofTim McCracken. He's the coach and chiefpunk on that Syracuse team. - A bounty? - Yeah. A hundred bucks ofmy own money for the first ofmy men that... - Yeah? - Are you nuts? - Bullshit! - A bounty! - We could all land in the clinker for this. - Oh, big deal, Joe. You can't put a bounty on a man's head! I just did. - Yeah? - Reg? It's Killer. - Oh. Hi, Killer. - I want that $100. Well, you gotta earn it, Killer. - My attitude's right. - Uh-huh. OK, kid. In-fucking-credible. Who is it? Yeah? - Hi. - Hi. - What's up? Jesus. Come on in. - Well, I did it. - You bet you did. You did, you bet. The wedding presents my side gave. 50-50, right? Can you get my clothes? Sure. Jesus, did you write him a note? Do you think I should have? I don't know. He's sure gonna think the worst. - Hey, Lily, we're gonna have a ball. - We are? Except right now I gotta take a nap. I mean, I put a bounty on this guy's head. If I don't get some shuteye... If I don't get some shuteye, I'll get murdered out there on the ice. Otherwise I would've given you a night on the town. We could've gone to the Aces. She won't mind. She's great to sleep with. Ned sleeps with her before every game. Her breathing makes him feel more secure. Listen, Reg, I'm gonna get a grip on myself. I'm gonna start using my imagination, go with the traffic. I've been going about this all wrong. I probably am terrific. You want some spaghetti? Reg? Run the siren. Run the goddamn siren. I'm payin' for it. Let 'em know there's gonna be blood in there. I can circle, but it's gonna cost you more. Oh, for Christ's sake. - There. Don't ever play "Lady of Spain" again! Jesus Christ. - Hey, McCracken. - Dunlop, you suck cock. All I can get. $100 bounty on the head of famed Syracuse stick man Tim McCracken. McCracken, also known as Dr Hook for his scalpel-like prowess with the stick, has been known to carve a man's eye out with a flick of the wrist. There's a carnival-like atmosphere here. The crowd is gathered and, well, you can feel it, there's an air of expectancy... Syracuse skating out now. We're looking forward to a real contest. We're ready to face off in the middle circle. The referee is ready. The linesmen for tonight... Go, Chiefs, go! Go, Chiefs, go! $100 says you're gonna crack my skull. - I wouldn't crack your knuckles for $100. - So he's bluffin'. Somebody's gonna kill you, you dumb son of a bitch, but it's not gonna be me. Good pass! Go on, man! Hit him! What's the matter with you? You're a Chief! - Come on. - Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fight back! You son of a bitch! Get over here! - Chickenshit yellow-belly. - I scored, you fucking has-been. They don't want you to score goals. They want blood. They're booin' you. Go get him, Killer! Come on, you son of a bitch. Come on! - Come on, Killer! - We win cos I score goals. Oh, kiss my ass. We win cos I make 'em crazy. - Nail him! - You don't make me crazy. I will, cos you're benched. You want ice time, come and tell me when you wanna play it my way. - You're the biggest pussy in the league. - I like pussy. Oh, yeah? Well, that's not what I hear from your wife. I hear... Go get him, Killer! Real old-fashioned guts, for Dave "Killer" Carlson to jump into that fight with Tim "Dr Hook" McCracken. Ned Braden's come into the booth. Sit down. I noticed a slight discussion with Reg Dunlop. What are you doing? You been benched? Yes, a real first in my career. I've been benched. - Why is that? - I won't fight. - Well, you could play if you fought. - Let's just say I'm chickenshit. Ned, why would someone with your background still be playing hockey? - I hate my father. - You do? - And I was having problems at home. - You are? I just said I was. Primarily sexual problems. I'm very perverse. - Holy shit! - I skate to get away from my wife! - This is Jim Carr... - We fight. She wants me to quit hockey. As you may have noticed, she's the only good-looking piece of ass in Charlestown! She also has a drinking problem, and I have no idea where she is. - Gimme that damn mike! - Why do you wear that rug? It's just sensationally ugly. You're going bald. Can't you face up to that? Well, at least I'm not chickenshit like you! What you're hearing is the truth! Jim Carr got angry... Joe McGrath here. The boys like to horse around. - Chickenshit bastard! - Sod off, old fart! - I may be bald, but I'm not chickenshit. - I wanna talk about violence. - Chick, chick, chick! - Gimme that! Son! Son! Take my guitar Forboard and room - Hey, Billy! Well, you're gonna be set, Lily. Taking your destiny by the throat. You're in the driver's seat. You're not having second thoughts about this, are you? Sometimes I think I get it. Sometimes I think it's horseshit. Well, to doubt is human. You stick with Reg. I'm on a roll. - Bye, Francine. Come back and see us. - I will. Thank you, Mrs Vincent. You're gonna need another 10 or 15 minutes. - Hiya. - Hi. This is Lily Braden, Ned Braden's wife. Well, actually she's... she's on waivers. Listen, she's in the market for a perm and I said to her "Hey, there's no one better than old Francine." - Well, I don't think... - For the works. I'm buyin'. - I'll pay you back tomorrow. - No, that's not the problem. You see, the problem is... I never laid a hand on her. It was just a kid. Listen, it's a pathetic story. It's pathetic. You look terrific. Be careful, girls. - There's TVRadio Mirror, Modern Screen. - You were married to him? For about a hundred years. It's all over. He's completely off his rocker. - I left my husband, too. - Really? I'm only halfway out the revolving door, know what I mean? Oh, it's lousy at first. You think you're dying. But then it's fabulous. - I mean, you become a new woman. - Yeah. You know, Reggie told me you've gotten terrific since you left him. He said that? Well, you know what you have to do for yourself? You have to get out there and circulate. I mean, you just can't sink into it. You have to get out there on the firing line. - Oh, my God. - No, no, no, no, no. Really. It's not bad. Look. If you did your cheekbones better, you could look like Cher. Huh? - Amy, take this in the house. - Hello there. Hiya. I'm Reg Dunlop. The Chiefs? I came to see your husband. Oh, yes? I'm Anita McCambridge. How do you do? - Hi. - You think you can help with these? - Uh, yeah. - Mom, I'm late, I gotta go. Michael, stay in the yard, put your jacket on and carry one of these in first. Where's your husband? He's in puppy heaven. I own the Chiefs. This way. - What can I get you to drink? - Canadian Club and water. - Nice place you've got here. - Thanks. To tell the truth, Mrs McCambridge, the reason... Anita. OK, Anita. Uh... you know, we all read about the possibility of a sale in Florida, and the guys are getting anxious to find out what's going on. - Mm-hm. - I guess I'm their representative. - We've been doin' real good. - My accountant is certainly pleased. Oh. Uh... How is the sale goin'? Fine. - Oh. Good. - You think you're gonna like Florida? Yeah. - Oh, you are very clever. - What? It's been so much fun, waiting to see what you're gonna do next. The articles in the paper are very funny, that sports writer? - Dickie Dunn? - You've certainly got his number. The radio interviews are fantastic, and the Hanson brothers? Oh, my God! Well, attendance has quadrupled. Yes. I am in the black for the first time in four years. - Hey, that's great. - I guess I owe that to you. Thank you. You're welcome. So, you can sell us real easy, then? - I could probably get some interest. - Oh, boy. That's great! Oh, that's just great, Anita! You know, for five months now, I've been tryin' to prove to you, without ever really knowing who you were, that you were wrong, and that we could get somebody interested in the Chiefs. We could sew that thing up tonight, you know. - We oughta cream those guys! - That's terrific. But I couldn't make enough of a profit to have a sale be worthwhile. My accountant tells me I'm better off folding the team, taking a tax loss. You mean, you could sell us but you won't? I could probably sell you. But I can't. Oh. You know... We're human beings, you know. I have to confess that I've never let the children watch a hockey game. I have a theory that children imitate what they see on a TV screen. They see violence, they'll become violent. They see someone stick up a bank, they'll stick up a bank. Heroin. You name it. - You're fucked. - What? You are totally fucked. You're garbage for letting us all go down the drain. - Are you serious? - You could sell us. We're hot. People go nuts for us. You could find a buyer. I don't think you understand finance. Your son looks like a fag to me. You'd better get married again, cos he'll have somebody's cock in his mouth before you know it. How dare you! How dare you! Our listeners'll be surprised to learn that you're a soft-spoken young man, Killer. Yes, I am. I was watching some kids play hockey the other day, five- and six-year-olds, little mites. One kid said "I'm Killer Carlson." He picked up his little stick, and he creamed that other kid. How do you feel about that, Dave? Well, Jim, the way I see it is, the kid probably would've done it anyway. Bad upbringing in the home. - That's very interesting. - Can I be serious for a minute? By all means. I'djust like to say that, no matterhow the game turns out tonight, I owe all that I am to our coach, Reg Dunlop. He's had the greatest influence on me, aside ofcourse from the Swami Baha, whose positive-thinking records have been a tremendous help. - Positive-thinking records? - Yeah. You can get 'em in any religious record store. And I know that thousands of people in Charlestown have lost their jobs, you know, with the mill closing and all. I see 'em walking around the streets depressed all the time. Well, I just wanna say to all you unemployed folks out there, you can get a new lease on life with these records. Nothing'll botheryou any more. You can go and clobber the next guy in yourbusiness life. - That's very inspirational, Dave. - Thanks. - Take care ofyourself. - Yeah. We're gonna win tonight... Jesus Christ. What a fuckin' nightmare. Braden! Ned! Hey! Kid? Hey, come on back! You don't have to fight if you don't wanna. You can do whatever you wanna do. You know, I've had it with the show business crap, too. I don't know what hit me! I'm drivin' up here, and I say to myself "Who cares about Florida?" Screw the sale. It's probably a bunch of crap anyway. No, that's bullshit. Hey? The team's history, kid. There ain't no next year. I'm tits-up after this game no matter what happens. But I'll tell you one thing. We're gonna win that fuckin' championship tonight. But we're gonna win it fair and square. Old-time hockey, none of this wrestling shit. You know? What the hell? It's my last game. I'm gonna go out with style! Play it straight! I'd like to have you there with me. Oh, uh... you know, Lily's been staying at my place. She's a terrific gal. We've been havin' a hell of a time. Reg! Hey, Reg! - What? - Want me to run in with stretchers? Get outta here, you goddamn parasite. This is Jim Carr. Jeff Hanson, I just can't tell you the pleasure you've given us. I'd like to ask one question. Win, lose or draw, this is the Chiefs' last game before you leave. - Anything you want to say to Flood City? - What do you mean, Flood City? Never mind, Jeff. I guess that's before your time. Reg Dunlop! How about a statement? Good game, fella. Good luck to you tonight. Reg Dunlop has just asked us to come back... Girls! Outta here! No hittin'. The Chiefs are history, guys. There ain't no Florida deal. Come on, Reg. What are you talkin' about? I just made that shit up. We're deader than this stinkin' town is. Dead history! I conned you guys. I just lied to you. We were never anything but a rich broad's tax write-off. It made no difference whether we won or lost. - Nail 'em! - Kill 'em! You know, we ain't hockey players. We've been clowns. We've been goons! We're the freaks in a fuckin' sideshow. We're nothing but a bunch of criminals. We oughta be in jail, that's all there is. - I'm ashamed. - Not you, Coach? Yeah. Really ashamed of myself. See, Ned was right. Violence is killin' this sport. It's draggin' it through the mud. If things keep up the way they are, hockey players'll be nothing but actors, punks. Well, I'm not playin' my last game that way. - Last game? - Yeah. It's my last game, and I wanna play it straight. No more "Nail 'em." No more "Fuck with 'em." That's finished. I wanna win that championship tonight, but I wanna win it clean. Old-time hockey, like when I got started, you know? Jeez. Toe Blake, Dit Clapper, Eddie Shore, those guys were the greats. I don't know what to say. Christ, it's up to you. - Reg is our coach. - Yeah, sure. Old-time hockey! - Like Eddie Shore. - Yeah. Coach, our line starts? - Sure. - Yeah! We got a game to win. Everybody on the ice. Come on, guys. Evening, boys. Wimpy, how are ya? Crash, how are you? Scotty. Better than Philadelphia this time! You're gonna eyeball the new Charlestown Chiefs. Well, ladies and gentlemen, this has all the earmarks of a hockey classic. The championship confrontation between the Syracuse Bulldogs... Here they come! The rags-to-riches, Cinderella contenders of the Federal League, the Chiefs! Let's go, Chiefs! Let's go, Chiefs! Let's go, Chiefs! Let's go, Chiefs! Let's go, Chiefs! Let's go, Chiefs! Let's go, Chiefs! Let's go, Chiefs! Let's go, Chiefs! I can't explain this delay. I don't know why Syracuse elected to miss the warm-up. The Chiefs have already skated over to their bench. Well, it just might be that Syracuse is afraid to come out and face the Chiefs. Oh, thanks, Bill. Good heavens. I've just been handed the Syracuse roster, and it appears the Syracuse Bulldog management is just real thirsty for a big, grudge-match type victory here tonight. They've brought back, just for this one contest, some colourful... Oh, and here they come now, led by someone we all know very well, Tim "Dr Hook" McCracken! And here's a name from the past. Ross "Mad Dog" Madison! Ross, as you know, never travels anywhere without his longtime friend and attorney, Sam "Small Print" Lyman! Here's one for nostalgia fans! Clarence "Screaming Buffalo" Swamptown! I'll never forget an interview I did with him years ago, when Buffalo revealed he liked to call his hockey stick "The Big Tomahawk". He usually refers to opposing players as "The Little Scalps". I thought he'd been suspended for ever. Andre "Poodle" Lussier, defence. Andre, of course, has been living in semi-seclusion in Northern Quebec ever since the unfortunate Denny Pratt tragedy. Not Poodle! And from Mile Forty, Saskatchewan, where he now runs a doughnut shop, number 15, former penalty-minute record holder of the Federal League for the years 1960 to 1968 inclusive, Gilmore Tuttle! Oh, gee. Hold the phone. This is an unscheduled surprise. It's him. This young man has had a very trying rookie season, what with the litigation, the notoriety, his subsequent deportation to Canada, and that country's refusal to accept him. That's more than most 21-year-olds could handle. - Ogil-terp. - Ogie Ogilthorpe! Hi, Ogie. Buy you a soda after the game? Hi. You know Toe Blake? No? We'll straighten you out, you little prick. How. - They don't call me Dr Hook for nothing. - How you doin'? All right, now. No high-sticking. No tripping. No slashing. Major surgery. Open-heart. - I'm waitin' for quiet. - Yeah, you'll have quiet. Give 'em hell! Give 'em the old-time hockey! - Good crowd. - Shirley! - Teamwork! Teamwork! Teamwork! - Eddie Shore! Come on! Get up! Get up! One with the universe. One with the universe. Nothing matters. This reporter is stunned! The Charlestown Chiefs are not fighting back! Keep the guys off me! You fuckin' moron! The Chiefs' performance has to be a bitter disappointment to these 4,000-odd Charlestown fans who have packed this War Memorial, paying good money to witness this... this fiasco. Get Ogie! Move away, Wanchuk! You're screening me. You're screening me! Move away! Give him some of that back! Don't let him push you like that! Come on! - Get up! - Get off your ass! I don't know what's wrong. You bums! You're no damn good! Get up off your ass! - OK. Let's get some speed out there. - Cement-heads. Keep your eyes open. Better passing. Better passing. We got a big period coming up out there. Try to come back with the wingers, maybe. Tonight's the night. - Who wants ice packs here? - Charlie, over here! We need some more coordination out there. - Keep your eyes open. Better passing. I'm comin'! I'm comin'! - All right. All right. - Mother of God. I want a big rally this period. A big rally. - We're losin'! - Teamwork, guys. More teamwork. They're buryin' us alive! - Eddie Shore? - Oh, piss on Eddie Shore. - Old-time hockey? - Piss on old-time hockey! You're blowin' it! Boys. Every scout in the NHL is out there tonight with contracts in their pocket, and they're lookin' for talent, for winners! Oh! All my years of publicity! All the fashion shows, the radiothons, for nothing? They come here tonight... to scout the Chiefs! The toughest team in the Federal League! Not this bunch of... pussies! Quote
G-spotter Posted January 15, 2007 Author Posted January 15, 2007 you broke it oly. you broke teh internet! Quote
olyclimber Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 indeed. it does appear to be broken. Quote
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